SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Infidelity is a loss for everyone involved. That’s the tragedy of it. The BH is hurt, humiliated and upset because In his eyes, the wife doing things he would have liked with an AP, is a slap to the face, and just unforgivable if he doesn’t get the same level of sexual treatment.

The WW has a coming to terms realization, and may realize that what she did in the affair wasn’t genuine, or authentic, but desperate, and wants desperately to move forward without the scars of the past, but the BH ego and sense of self respect can’t see it like that, because no matter how you cut it, another man got better, he just did. He got whatever he wanted and enjoyed it, with no real sacrifice.BH signed the contract and put the commitment in, but doesn’t get what he wanted. It’s impossible for him not to feel like he takes second place unless the WW goes above and beyond for him, what she gave the AP.

This can be hurtful for the WW, but she can’t see through her BH eyes in this regard and doesn’t understand the totality of it, just that she wants to heal and she wants him to heal.

Sexual freedom, exploration, kink,and intimacy is never wrong in a committed relationship with two willing partners. But it is wrong outside of the marriage. Virtuous and pride in a marriage, Wild and inhibited in the affair is literally backwards to how it should be, but it seems to be quite the usual situation. And it’s devastating. It’s not what you do sexually, it’s who you do it with that can be wrong.

As a man, I would never view my wife as less than, or slutty because she was uninhibited with me. In fact, it would incetivize me to treat her well, because she is a keeper based on my wants and needs. Conservative to the outside world, free with me.

But this topic is something that unfortunately, leaves everyone unhappy. It’s all about compromises

We did it SI! Yeah!

Also...

We stay. We find a way to accept. Most of us never

got what we needed to heal. Our wives know why we

are not happy, they never acknowledge that they

know why. Quietly they wait for us to get over it.

oldtruck, right on man.

It’s impossible for him not to feel like he takes second place unless the WW goes above and beyond for him, what she gave the AP.

It's impossible for him not to feel that way because there's this little thing in the way of that feeling called "reality". And the reality is, he IS second place sexually, maybe not in the WS's mind, but, in any other measure, he is. It's not a "feeling" that's off, it's coming to grips with reality. And there are a lot of feelings this causes, "she loved him more", "she was more turned on by him", "he was willing to sacrifice for her and not me". And I think those feelings are what are most upsetting for many. But the reality of "you are second place to him/her" is what really stared me in the face and had to be resolved. It wasn't just the feeling though; it's the feeling coupled with the reality that's impossible to overcome for me (and others).

Sexual freedom, exploration, kink,and intimacy is never wrong in a committed relationship with two willing partners. But it is wrong outside of the marriage. Virtuous and pride in a marriage, Wild and inhibited in the affair is literally backwards to how it should be, but it seems to be quite the usual situation. And it’s devastating. It’s not what you do sexually, it’s who you do it with that can be wrong.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing that we've discussed in this this thread, anal, BJ's going down on a woman, or anything else that approaches the level of "kink" as "fuck another man/woman outside of the marriage". I think that's the other mind f**k here, if we're putting together a quick scale (just to illustrate the point) of kink:

Missionary: 1

BJ: 2

Swallowing: 3

Going down on a woman: 3

Anal sex: 5

Sex outside of marriage: 100

Lots of people, every day, do the acts that people talked out here without an A; it's not like every time a man goes down on a woman it's because he feels guilty or obligated to (I've never felt that way, in my life). Or any time a woman offers up anal it's because she's being forced. People enjoy these acts and do them for fun.

But, VERY VERY few people sleep around in their marriage for fun. Yes, there are some who do, hotwife/cuck stuff and men who openly keep harems, but that's WAAAAY out there. But.. That's what you did (as the WS). You kept a harem. You made your husband a cuck. And you did both without their permission or consent. That's so far beyond "I'd like a little booty sex" that it's nearly ridiculous to compare the two. And yet, here we stand, not only comparing the two, but saying that the "kink" of an A doesn't open the marriage for other kinks that were explored in the A.

Virtuous and pride in a marriage, Wild and inhibited in the affair is literally backwards to how it should be, but it seems to be quite the usual situation.

Yes it does. Or roses and flowers in the A, "make me a sandwich" outside of it. Which, let me state for the final time, is EQUALLY UNFORGIVABLE. If I spend my A buying roses, I'd buy a goddamn nursery if I wanted to help win my W back and help her heal to try to control the costs of having a truckload of roses delivered per day. Or buy stock in Bic pens because of all the poetry I'd write. That's fair, I stole those roses from my W, and I need to put all of them back and then some. Not tell her that I have an allergy to roses and ask her how the sandwich is coming along.

<some humor in there, in case people are missing it>

But, VERY VERY few people sleep around in their marriage for fun.

Not sure what you mean, lots of married people have affairs and they don't do it because they hate it.

More about sexist double standards especially in regard to infidelity. On a Reddit group I was venting recently about my involuntary celibacy and how a few guys had recently made a negative comment about my ugly legs when rejecting me. Most of the people responded by essentially slut shaming me, saying that as a woman I shouldn't be trying to get flings or FWBs, that I should instead focus on finding a serious BF. Yet none of these slut shamers mentioned a thing about the XBF who I'd mentioned had been cheating on me and denied me sex for a long time, hence my need to go out there and have a good sex fling. At least I waited until I was single to start trying to seek out ONS or flings. Most of the Reddit responders were females too and they still slut shamed me without even commiserating on what my XBF had done by cheating!

Most of the Reddit responders were females too and they still slut shamed me without even commiserating on what my XBF had done by cheating!

This doesn't surprise me. Most of the slut shaming done is woman to woman. I've heard men say "she's a slut" before, but it's often right before they then say "I'm going to try to sleep with her". It's not that men don't like sluts, they just don't think they are LTR material. But many of us, myself included, are very happy to take up a short term thing with a woman who sleeps around, in fact, it's often so appealing that we'll break our vows for it. So, to be clear, most men don't "hate" sluts, we like them because we like sex and they are good source, we just don't want to marry them.

Women, on the other hand, have a lot of reasons to hate sluts. They lower the value of commitment for men, and make it much easier to men to have short term relationships, something that's more in keeping with the male goal than the female for a relationship. There's at least one fantastic anthropology study on this looking at how gender ratios change the norms of sexual behavior, basically, if men are in the drivers seat (more women than men) the mating patterns are generally polygamous, if women are in the driver's seat (more men than women) monogamy rules. Because that's the "natural" tendency of the sexes; not to say that it can't be overcome (it is, all the time), but society generally floats one way or another depending on who's doing the driving.

So, I have to say I get the men on here. I agree with them.

If I were a WW and my BH asked me to do things I did with the AP but I refused, I would be showing my BH he was not valued like the AP and that I felt closer to and wanted to please the AP more. Why else would a WW do such a thing? If a WW is going to whore herself out for the AP but doesn’t feel comfortable enough to do so with her BH, then what kind of relationship do they really have? If helping her BH doesn’t matter as much as how she made her AP feel, then that is not much of a relationship.

BeingheldbyJesus, I just want to say Thank You for your last post.

That's exactly how I feel but the counter point is that OM was abusive and made her do things she only did because she wanted to impress him or they were pressured. Now that they are healing they "aren't that person" anymore and that behavior was unhealthy.

It was only unhealthy and wrong in that situation with that person. In the right situation, with your loving husband who you are emotionally and physically connected to should be the only situation where you should be doing such intimate things.

It's wayward thinking to deny your husband what you gave your AP. Yes you were unhealthy, so get healthy and do those things with your husband. WW's aren't going to stop touching their husbands penis because they touched APs. How can you deny your husband only certain things and not everything you gave AP? Anything less is just unacceptable and will cause resentment which will hinder or stop reconciliation.

BeingheldbyJesus, I just want to say Thank You for your last post.

I just finished reading the whole thread and your conclusion, CT, to encourage WWs to lie, just made me sick! I cannot believe that your advice and that is what you got from this thread.

As a BW, I needed my WH to be honest with me. His TT has killed my feelings for him. I just do not trust him and I don’t know how I could R. I didn’t want his ACC to have info I didn’t have. I needed to know what they did so it wasn’t their secret any longer.

WHATEVER a BS needs to heal should be given out of LOVE by the WS. If the WS doesn’t want to give, then the BS must decide if R can still be possible or may come to the understanding that the WS doesn’t truly get the pain he/she caused or just doesn’t care enough for the BS.

My WH threw away something I held very dear. We were onlies and I am truly grieving that and feel all alone in my grief. He obviously didn’t value that like I did. I don’t know how to move past that. There is no way he can help me with that. Ever. And can I believe him when he tells me the sex was just sex and there was nothing kinky when she was a Fifty Shades fan and I read the email when he told her he would bring the ties????

I may not have the truth, but I think the truth should always be encouraged. Don’t encourage WSs to hide the truth and stay in the affair/wayward thinking!!!!

It all just sucks.