SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OP

I am sorry you are going thru this. It is a gut wrenching experience that I am familiar with

all too well. My dday occurred on a Friday night roughly 14 years ago. She was gone all weekend

and come home Sunday but I wouldn't let her back in the house. She stayed in a hotel. Monday morning, I met

a Lawyer as she was getting out of her car and filed for Divorce. I didn't even have an appointment lol.

I implemented a modified 180 because we had two small children 6 and 3 years old.

Anyways, your ww isn't a candidate for reconciliation at the moment. She doesn't respect you and you

have not delivered any real consequences. There needs to be severe consequences for cheating but you are

stuck white knuckling a way to hang on. Moral of this story is all said and done I am still married to the same

woman and I do not live with any regret because of how I handled it.

You need to be willing to lose your marriage if you want to save it.

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 2:23 PM, Friday, October 9th]

I can’t escape the feeling that she has spent the last two months mourning the loss of her AP and as of now is only going through the motions waiting for someone else to make decisions for her. You make it sound like a horrible way to live and I can’t help wondering why you want to stay in this relationship. It sounds perfectly awful.

longsadstory1952 you're right. It is an awful experience and current existence.

So, do I keep the new appt with the EFT MC next week and try to explain in the open why I don't think she's reconciliation material yet and that we're wasting our time? Do I cancel everything and put my foot down?

We would use a mediation service so it's not like I have some fancy document to announce divorce. Do I give a deadline to 'get your shit together' and join me by Nov 1st or else.....? Or do I ask her to pay for her half of the mediation services to go through with all of the asset/child custody splitting in hopes it creates some movement.....then I have the actual documents to bring to the county when I decide to do so (or not)?

I do realize and feel that D is the only other option here if she's not ready to reconcile. It's hard to go through with it, but I'm also desperate to move on with my life because I have so much doubt that she will ever do any of the work in the near future. I also want my kids to understand I'm nobody's doormat. Not even their mom's.

If 'EFT' means 'Emotional Freedom Technique', my reco is to go to the appointment and work on the technique.

Desperation is your enemy. Keep reminding yourself that you can survive this and thrive. You have a number of options here, all of which can lead to a good life. I know they all seem like losing options, but they're not.

Be careful with the term 'consequences'. Many people really mean 'punishment', and punishment is neither here nor there, because the WS can't be punished without adding to the BS's hurt. But there are always consequences - sequelae, I think, in Latin - that follow the infidelity.

Focus on your own healing. Process the anger, grief, fear, shame, etc. out of your body. Starting that will help clear your head and see what you're really facing. You can D even if your W is a great candidate for R. You can start R even if she's a lousy candidate, but I hope you don't do that.

Focus on recognizing your strengths and using them. Focus on enhancing your strengths. Processing your feelings is the best 1st step, IMO. The people who do best after being betrayed are those who take control of and responsibility for themselves and give up trying to control the outcome.

Using EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique - is a good way to start.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:03 PM, Friday, October 9th]

EFT- Emotionally Focused Therapy

I personally almost always encourage filing for divorce unless there are some unique hardship issues. Divorce can be stopped but nearly everything at this point is causing pain because of uncertainty. Putting some countdown on the efforts is positive in the sense it can’t really be negatiated and it forces people, if interested, to operate with the requisite urgency.

Since I have no experience with EFT I have no way to answer your question. But I see MC is part of it so it implies more of what has been a waste up to now. I would not give an ultimatum here since she has steadfastly refused to put the work in and setting a red line will allow her to test you.

Your best option right now is to start whatever process there is for getting the dissolution going. Not to see what she does but to show fortitude in the face of inertia. If she starts getting it and doing the right things and actually follows through you will know pretty quickly. If not, you get out of the prison your M has become.

Thank you all for more words of wisdom and things to think about. When you don't have anyone to talk to besides your once a week IC it gets very lonely. I do have one good buddy I fish and hunt with that I told JUST enough info early on in this process to let him know how much I'm hurting but not enough that he would slap me across the face for not divorcing already.....And I did finally tell my parents. They are 80. I did NOT want them to stress over me or my situation. I'm an adult with adult problems that need adult solutions but I was surprised that in sharing my experience with them it did lift just a tiny bit of the weight off my shoulders. I don't think that's fair to transfer any to them and I will always feel bad about that but I value being TRUTHFUL and not hiding emotions like my spouse has been doing for 25 years. My folks appreciate the honesty and that I shared that I'm struggling through the most difficult time in my life and that my kids and I will be ok.

There are a few of us here who took real steps toward divorce and saw dramatic change. If you read my profile you'll see a pretty nasty d day and following month. It was looking pretty bad for us.

Until I started calling divorce lawyers and set up some consultations in front of my wife.

Don't mistake that as me saying it's a magic bullet to get your wife on board, because everyone is different. We don't know what she'll do, but she is saying she wants to remain married, so you at least have that. But don't do it unless you're truly ready to get out of the hell you're currently in. When I did it, it wasn't a bluff or a manipulation tactic. I thought it was over, but to my surprise she turned it around.

It turns out she really wanted to stay married.

Then she demonstrated it.

If she hadn't I would be divorced right now.

All I know is, if nothing changes, nothing will change. You could stay in this limbo indefinitely. I really don't think you want that.

Just remember, filing for divorce is not the same thing as finalizing divorce. It's a process. It takes time. You can pause or stop it at any time before the final papers are signed. If shen miraculously turns it around you can stop the process. If said miracle doesn't occur, do you really want to keep living like this?