SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My opinion relates to reconciliation

As any opinion it is just worth whatever peanuts any other opinion is;

1. Your why however well written and true is essentially irrelevant to reconciliation if that's what you're aiming for. Your focus on it here "sounds" like self gratification and virtue signalling. In the place of your wife I would think my husband likes to feel superior to. Your writing it out here says to me that you are in a self protective state.

2. Your wife's why is essential knowledge for her. It will be very useful knowledge you because your relationship was a dynamic that you participated in.

Example: Wife: I lied to you over the years about my sexual feelings towards other men because early on in our relationship you blocked a discussion because of your own lack of desire to hear (due to your insecurities). Her why is now useful information for you even if you seek another relationship because it tells you something useful about yourself; you were not safe.

Rule: People won't talk cuz they don't feel safe to.

Rule: People won't talk cuz they don't feel safe to

alternative rule: being lied to is not your fault. People lie for all kinds of reasons, Brewbrew. There are many options besides dishonesty.

Yes. And yet his wife took this option. And he is married to her. The only way to get enlightened in relationships is to immerse ourselves in the other person's view.

I know this stuff hurts because it's gets to core of our biggest weakness, killing our egos and dropping that wall of self protection. Letting our love for intimate partners conquer our need to be right and superior and self protect.

I will freely admit I struggle daily, hourly with this. I understand the principle but I fight it with every fibre. I'm doing it now in replying to you!

Another way to look at this:

Every reply I make to argue a point is a mirror to me. Signals my blind spot and my weakness.

Every reply you or the OP disagrees with is a mirror to you. Signals your blind spot.

As any opinion it is just worth whatever peanuts any other opinion is;

Not all opinions are created equally. Your opinion might be valid from your perspective, while others' opinions might be based upon greater experience, training, evidence and logic. Your qualifing statement, right off the bat, belies your own sense of insecurity or arrogance (hard to determine which, if not both).

Your focus on it here "sounds" like self gratification and virtue signalling.

Like any other betrayed spouse or partner reeling from the severe emotional and psychological trauma brought about by the betrayal of infidelity, he is struggling with a perfectly natural and normal existential crisis. Most of us struggle with a profound injury to our sense of self-worth. And while you may be correct that it is self-gratifying to reassure ourselves that nothing we ever did or didn't do, nothing we ever said or didn't say, warranted the betrayals, you compound the error with the egregious accusation that he's merely "virtue signalling" - as if the very real and valid feelings of dehumanization requires external validation from strangers on the internet. I don't care one way or another how virtuous a betrayed spouse might be - not all betrayed spouses are saints - there is no justification for infidelity. None. Zip. Nada.

In the place of your wife I would think my husband likes to feel superior to. Your writing it out here says to me that you are in a self protective state.

My peanuts worthy opinion sees this as your own self-protection; a refusal to accept that infidelity demonstrates inferior morals, ethics and virtue.

Your wife's why is essential knowledge for her. It will be very useful knowledge you because your relationship was a dynamic that you participated in.

This is some truly blame-shifting nonsense. His WW's whys have absolutely nothing to do with their relationship dynamics any more than your infidelity can be righteously blamed on your relationship dynamics with the husband you betrayed.

Example: Wife: I lied to you over the years about my sexual feelings towards other men because early on in our relationship you blocked a discussion because of your own lack of desire to hear (due to your insecurities). Her why is now useful information for you even if you seek another relationship because it tells you something useful about yourself; you were not safe.

You justify dishonesty. You justify infidelity. You shift the blame. It's wayward thinking from start to finish and not even worth a handful of peanuts.

The only way to get enlightened in relationships is to immerse ourselves in the other person's view.

No, it isn't. This isn’t the only way to get "enlightened" in relationships. Internalizing other people's issues is as precarious as refusing to protect ourselves from the damage serial cheaters are capable of inflicting.

My opinions are the ones I like the best right now but they have no inherent value.

I can't control whether you like them or not, it sounds like you don't but this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with your interpretation.

There is no justification for it - yet his wife did it. Did she make sense to herself or didn't she? Does he want to know who she is? It doesn't sound like it and this is obviously no skin off my back if you see what I mean.

I am pointing out the contradiction I notice between what he writes and what he says he wants.

I come across a bit cold and academically I realise.

Your opinions are nothing enlightened, just flowery unmet needs bs.

There are paradox’s thrust on a betrayed person, mainly that our person stabbed us in the back. It takes years to internally resolve that, with lots of twists and turns. Internalizing blame for another adults deceptive choices is entirely unhelpful.

Marriage struggles are almost always a split bill. Betrayal is on the betrayer. Period.