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Have you looked at any meet-up groups or other things like that? Also if you are on Facebook, you can search your town name and see if there are groups there— here we have groups that walk at all different age groups, knit, etc. Getting out - even when you don’t feel like it - can be really good.

My day consists of writing in my journal, taking the dog for a walk, cleaning some area of the house, playing Mahjong, reading my book, surfing the internet (mostly reading/research) and meeting up with my friend if she's free. My sister works during the week so I can see her on the weekend if she's not busy.

What do you write in your journal?

Have you spoken with any lawyers yet? If not, now is the time. It’d be part of your daily research effort.

Knowledge is power, and power is control. You need to be in control, and feel like you are in control. Call up a law office and set up a consultation. No commitment, just asking questions.

Whatever else you write in your journal, also start writing notional plans. Alternate futures. Whats good and bad about each. Just writing a thought down makes it more real, more possible.

Have you looked at any meet-up groups or other things like that? Also if you are on Facebook, you can search your town name and see if there are groups there— here we have groups that walk at all different age groups, knit, etc. Getting out - even when you don’t feel like it - can be really good.

I have not. I'm just not ready to do that in person at this point due to anxiety issues. On-line is easier for me.

What do you write in your journal?

Have you spoken with any lawyers yet? If not, now is the time. It’d be part of your daily research effort.

Knowledge is power, and power is control. You need to be in control, and feel like you are in control. Call up a law office and set up a consultation. No commitment, just asking questions.

Whatever else you write in your journal, also start writing notional plans. Alternate futures. Whats good and bad about each. Just writing a thought down makes it more real, more possible.

I write about how I am feeling, what my day is like or things that I want to say to him, but won't. It's more of a venting outlet for me. I just delete it after awhile. I'm reaching out for legal assistance this week. Right now, my primary focus has been my therapy. I'm really struggling. I will try to write about notional plans, even though it all seems hopeless right now. You can't put a square peg in a circle. It just doesn't work and that is the reality I face. I can't pay $3500 worth of bills/rent/food (won't even have a vehicle) with an income of $2000. I get panic attacks and chest pains every time I think about it.

The legal assistance will help everything else. Their job is to help you, end of story. And they are good at it. Let them help you. Don’t wait!

Knowledge is power, and power is control. You need to feel in control, not just be in control.

Sending strength!

Hi BearlyBreathing, hugs to you.

I stayed in a marriage due to finances, children and it worked out ok. We couldn't afford attorneys, moving out, etc, and we stayed married for 12 years after my DDay. The important thing is that you focus on YOU and YOUR KIDS. PERIOD PERIOD PERIOD. Get out of the financial situation you are in, it might take years but you can move on. He's not around, start building your own life. One day, you'll wake up and realize that he means NOTHING to you anymore.

Now, it's time for your dreams and your new life. Their life is a damn mess, don't involved yourself with that. Time will show that he is beyond damaged and the sooner you move on, the better.

I've been on this site for almost 20 years now. I promise you, a new, better life is out there. Who cares if he doesn't respect you, you respect you. That is all that matters.

Take care of yourself. Show yourself some compassion and find out who you are again.

I have not. I'm just not ready to do that in person I have not. I'm just not ready to do that in person at this point due to anxiety issues.

Our social feeling- and attendant skills - is a muscle, the less you use it the weaker it becomes. There are lots of people out there with social anxiety, why not go and find them to start off with, and encourage each other. The more isolated you are the harder it is to fight off the negativity bias of rumination. I believe the best way of getting out there is a matter of feel the fear and do it anyway, incrementally thereby proving to your nervous system that it’s safe and learning therefore the fear itself is the more dangerous aspect. Take Dday as a challenge to self to get out and take up new activities, meet new people and begin to build your self confidence. That way, whatever your decision about your marriage, it will be made from a position of strength and self belief.

[This message edited by Edie at 1:17 PM, Sunday, January 28th]

I'm trying. I am trying so hard. I'm all over the place with what I want. I love my husband and I hate him. How do you un-love someone? I can't stand this constant repeating circle of emotions. Leave him, wait for him to sort his deep seated trauma issues or what? I just don't know! Therapy is intense and I'm thankful for that. I've got lots to chew on, that's for sure.

Yes, it’s a really difficult rapid cycling set of thoughts early on and feels like an impossible dilemma. Perhaps just give yourself permission to not have to decide anything for now except to develop coping strategies that will get you through the day and out into the world. You need time to adjust to this shock and assimilate the information, it’s crazy making at first. You’re journalling is a great step to beginning to figure things out, but at the moment it’s most useful to simo,y try to figure yourself out, feel the feelings and locate them somatically, that’s really about getting in touch with you. Work also on calming the nervous system down, walking, exercising, grounding and breathing exercises all are tools in your toolkit to begin to take charge and help you ride the rollercoaster that you’re on, and will be for a while. Read the thrive and survive posts pinned at the top of just found out, they are so helpful. The 180 for me is about focusing on you and really becoming a person you like in the mirror, knowing that you will be alright no matter what happens.

[This message edited by Edie at 1:24 PM, Sunday, January 28th]

JNE, did you visit with a lawyer?

How do you un-love someone?

I think know the answer to this. You don't. You don't try to stop loving somebody, but you learn to protect yourself from who they can/have become.

We are not static in who we are, we can change. 35 years ago someone I loved more than anybody else I had ever loved left me over religious differences, and her newly found desire to adhere to some (but not all) of her religious restrictions. The person that I knew, the person that I fell in love with, the person who lived with me, I still love that person even today, but the person who she became, I have no clue who that person is, and that person did not treat me with love.

Years later, my wife with whom I had 4 children, and whom I loved without question betrayed me with another man. Did I love that person? Absolutely not! I told that person to "get out". The person I loved was gone. I lived with a stranger, who treated me with despite. Gradually, the person who I loved reappeared, somehow.

HouseofPlane

JNE, did you visit with a lawyer?

Yes, I did. I didn't really learn anything that I didn't already know though.

standinghere

I think know the answer to this. You don't. You don't try to stop loving somebody, but you learn to protect yourself from who they can/have become.

This is where I am struggling.

Years later, my wife with whom I had 4 children, and whom I loved without question betrayed me with another man. Did I love that person? Absolutely not! I told that person to "get out". The person I loved was gone. I lived with a stranger, who treated me with despite. Gradually, the person who I loved reappeared, somehow.

My husband is deeply troubled and broken man. He's in crisis. I know this and he knows this. This goes back to a horrific upbringing in foster care and I guess he buried all the pain from that and it shaped him into the man he is today, one he does not know or like. He's not proud of his track record. He's very sorry for what happened and for hurting me, but he can't change the fact that he has feelings for this 'woman' and he doesn't know what to do with them. He has told her that he's in therapy to figure himself out and decide what he wants to do with our marriage. He does love me but we have drifted apart. I said that's easy to correct with the proper tools. I've offered to go stay with him a few months this year in between him coming home. He is open to that. Apparently, she told him to do what makes him happy. (bitch should just clean up her own relationship or move on. Leave my struggling husband the hell alone.) He intends to only speak with her at work if they cross paths, but because of his issues/vulnerability he says to protect me from further hurt, he can't promise nothing will happen because if it did, that would just be another promise he's broken and he's done with that. I know this angers a lot of you and I'm sorry. He doesn't intend for anything to happen, but he's wise enough to say he might not be able to keep his promise, therefore he can't.

His primary goal is to know who he is/has become and what led him here. Why did he choose to betray me and blow our life up? This was not even on his radar to ever cross the physical line. She seduced him and he fell for it. He doesn't want that to ever happen again. With anyone. He's a very confused man. He talks of retirement and coming home and doing things to the house, and in the next breath, he's not sure what he wants. It's exhausting. I've been in heavy therapy and trying to process all of this. I understand he's in crisis and he needs time. I also know what I deserve and don't. I believe that we can get past this through a lot of hard work and therapy. I believe in my heart, that he will reappear as well. I am prepared to leave if I feel I need to. There is a lot to consider. It's not so cut and dry as many betrayals are.

Look up REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER. If he was in foster care then his formative years did a number on him. I am going to beg you to get him to an expert trauma therapist trained in EMDR. Until he can pull up all the hidden memories he is still a broken, angst ridden child who trusts no one. Cheating is he way of finding some relief from unremitting despair. You can’t love him enough to fix him. He needs therapy ASAP.

He is in trauma therapy. EMDR is not an option where he is located right now. We are getting him set up when he is home in May. I am not trying to fix him and I do fully support what he needs to do to get through his traumatic upbringing.

I will also be doing EMDR for my past traumas as soon as my benefits allow.

This is a coincidence, but a good friend of mine is an expert in EMDR and she said it is very short and to the point and gets things done fairly quickly. She’s been able to pull people up out of the despair in just a few weeks. Then of course there’s talk therapy after that because you have to take all those messages and memories and look at them and take the power away from them so that you can stop yourself when you think you are going to hit rock bottom and say "Enough I know where this feeling is coming from. I don’t have to give into it." Really good therapy is a miracle.

Cooley2here

This is a coincidence, but a good friend of mine is an expert in EMDR and she said it is very short and to the point and gets things done fairly quickly. She’s been able to pull people up out of the despair in just a few weeks. Then of course there’s talk therapy after that because you have to take all those messages and memories and look at them and take the power away from them so that you can stop yourself when you think you are going to hit rock bottom and say "Enough I know where this feeling is coming from. I don’t have to give into it." Really good therapy is a miracle.

Oh wow, that's wonderful! I've heard great things about it too and am so hopeful. I truly wish he could access it now, but it's not possible. A few people in our city does EMDR and I've already had my intake done and am a great candidate. I'm hopeful for the both of us. He has a great therapist he talks on the phone with every week. It is helping and for that, I'm thankful. If we don't work out, we'll deal with it, but as long as he gets himself figured out and healed, that's all that matters. He has suffered too long.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 12:17 PM, Tuesday, January 30th]

Believe it or not you can do EMDR online. Do some research. My friend used it occasionally during the worst of Covid

I did not know that. I will have him look into it. Thank you!

I think I might have been wrong. She might have done it by phone or face time. I need to ask her but your therapist can tell you.

I've read through the thread and... decided to post hoping it helps you get through a bad day or two:

I married a serial cheater too. Serial cheaters are Cluster B personalities or so I've been told. She was fond of saying stuff like "Married 10, together 13". After 27yrs of marriage, her mask finally slipped and I saw the real person for the first time. Once the reality set in, I couldn't see her for anything other than what she was.

She was a cheater from the beginning. She was a liar, pathologically so. She was doing this while I was in the USAF, in school, while she worked at 3 different hospitals, with a guy in our Bible study, multiple times visiting her best friend (who I knew and liked), dating sites etc etc etc.

I caught her after a lunchtime tryst with a random guy from Ashley Madison. She responded exactly has your husband... like a child who was being scolded, looking down, saying the same crap your husband told you. When I exposed her, she said "You ruined me. You ruined me. You ruined me." We spoke for 3 days. She was not remorseful. She smiled while being vague about the encounter. She said she liked that "... he was not disappointed in what he saw" and on and on.

It was life shattering. I was heartbroken. It was surreal. Humiliating. Fully and wholly emasculating. Our family was obliterated (20-27, including a daughter with Down Syndrome 22 at the time). On the 4th day, she called the cops to the house, had me arrested, and I was indicted with 22.5 years worth of (3) felonies (I'll be happy to discuss later). In court, the victim's advocate said my wife feared for her life and said I would "... shoot our [daughter with DS]". Protection orders were placed on them.

Our children rallied and helped her pack. She took everything and moved back home. My children believed everything she said (I'd learn they loathed me during this time). After all I was in jail. I spent 117 days locked up. She left me homeless and broke.

Fast forward ~5 months... she overdosed on fentanyl. Our daughter with Down Syndrome fended for herself for two days before anyone checked on them. Quote "Mommy was rude, she slept for two days straight". She was stuck in a 2 bdrm condo with her dead mother on the bathroom floor, leggings at her knees... apparently she fell off the toilet.

There is much more... skip to today, 3 years later, the trauma was extensive. Per the suggestion of a wonderful therapist... to become a family again, we needed to live together. We are now in Florida, have been living together for 2yrs and change. Humpty Dumpty (what we call our family) has largely been reconstructed. We are thriving.

I tell you this because I want you to know it does get better. As bad as the day might get, as dark as the future might seem, keep your head up. Whatever you do, don't stop moving forward, don't quit, don't throw in the towel... you will be bigger, better, faster, stronger (so to speak) when you come out on the other side. I hope this helps a little bit.

[This message edited by Apollos at 7:26 PM, Tuesday, January 30th]