SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Aletheia

After you caught her going to his house did she apologize & acknowledge the deception?

Yes. Said she didn’t tell me because she knew how I would feel and how it would hurt me. Was just doing a favor for a friend. She doubled down on their “friendship” even after I was told the discussion has taken place that their relationship needed to remain professional only.

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she didn’t tell me because she knew how I would feel and how it would hurt me.

Her reply is typical when someone is caught doing something they know is inappropriate.

It's the best explanation they can think of at the time - but it's not an excuse for breaking your trust with: sneaking around/being deceitful and doing something she agreed not to.

Those same words also mean that she knew her behavior was inappropriate and would hurt you - but she did it anyway.

You should have asked her: then why did you do it?

And: why is walking a dog for the 'friend' more important than her husband's trust or her marriage?

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 6:36 PM, July 29th (Thursday)]

What are the odds that she's only been to his house once, and that you went to check her at that time?

Is it possible for you to find out if AP went to work that day? Or if he didn't really go, what sickness did he have to the point where he couldn't walk the dog?

Someone who didn't want to hurt you would have prevented it not by hiding it from you, but by not doing.

Already telling him that the work needed to stay professional shows that they have already gone further. Otherwise it would be awkward to warn someone when there is nothing between them.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 6:46 PM, July 29th (Thursday)]

Consulting with attorney today. Looking at rentals. Trying to get a couple other attorney consultations too. Trying to work through the fear and anxiety that I’ve posted about and expecting the worst but hoping that she’ll prove thru her actions that she’s worth attempting to rebuild trust with.

Good, being proactive helps in regaining a sense of control back in your life. Try and avoid being reactive, as that tends to put BS in an undesirable position.

Said she didn’t tell me because she knew how I would feel and how it would hurt me. Was just doing a favor for a friend. She doubled down on their “friendship” even after I was told the discussion has taken place that their relationship needed to remain professional only.

Well, at least now you know where you stand in her priorities; it is not first. She values her 'friendship' over you and the M.

As to the amount of effort she seems to putting into trying to regain your trust, it seems to does not value you or the M very much. As I have posted before; Little effort = Little value.

People put in more effort into things that they want, and in your case, you WS put in effort;

- keep in contact with her 'friend' even though you asked her to stop

- keep it from you (there is a lot of mental effort to do this)

- she drove all the way over to go to her 'friends' house

- walk his dog

- miss work (not sure how strict her work is, but she could have been dismissed)

The job change is important, but not the most critical. This may seem contrary to what has been suggested (myself included), but the way I see it, the WS and AP can communicate wherever they are, and as long as communication is still present, then the A can continue.

The most important thing is that communications must stop, and there must be proof that it stopped.

Her awkwardness may be due to her feeling a bit of guilt. This is not to be confused with remorse. The main difference between them, is the first is inward-looking (poor me, I got caught, and have now lost a 'friend'), and the other is empathy driven (poor BnB, how can I help him and earn trust back from him).

Well… VAR didn’t yield much but the tracker did. She went to his place again this morning. Put a retainer down with attorney to start the process. She still claims he’s just a friend but the broken trust several times now, meeting him without me knowing, the obvious distance between us since this began only tells me she won’t stop and will continue to lie. I deserve better than this. And not having an answer to what she wants when confronted this morning saying 5 minutes isn’t enough time and not fair just tells me she’s made her decision.

Put a retainer down with attorney to start the process

Sorry it has to come to this but the above should've happened on page 1. I hope she doesn't fight you too hard on the D. Protect yourself now that you decided to divorce her. Carry a VAR at all time in case she files bogus DV charges. I am not saying she would but better prepare for it.

Once you serve her papers, she might love bomb you and hope you change your mind. I doubt you will fall for it but good to point out.

Best of luck.

Thanks. Yeah idk. I think this is the nail in the coffin for that stuff. Gotta find out if she’s going to leave through the process or if I am. It’ll be one or the other because I can’t live with her.

Being aware of the risk of her marriage ending this time, going to his house explains everything you need to know anyway.

Sorry for the situation you are in, there is not much to say, you've already started doing what you need to do.

I agree you deserve a better life partner. A partner that's 100% committed and connected to you in every way. And in addition, a partner that also does not make you feel unsafe with respect to infidelity.

Under the circumstances, there is no reasonable explanation for her to visit him. Cheaters when under suspicion often white knuckle or go underground hoping things quiet down - but eventually trip up.

Either she's in denial and doesn't really believe you will divorce her without visual proof of sex; or she's still connected emotionally to the OM - or both.

And it's not just about this last visit. Visiting his home again is also further evidence that her previous reason for the visiting was a lie.

Dammit BNB - I’m so sorry. She expects you to believe this is no more than a ‘friendship’ when these issues in your marriage started with their relationship developing? Waywards are unbelievable. She sneaks over to his house to play scrabble? Even if that ridiculous proposition were true, spending time with him & lying to you about is worth the risk of her marriage? Their friendship takes priority. I’m glad that you aren’t going to take this abuse.

Drop the papers on her without delay & without warning. Tell family & friends, so she can’t lie & say you abused her etc. And you can build a support network. Since it’s no more than ‘friendship’ she can’t be upset you tell people, right?

If she wants you back, then she’ll work on it beyond sex & words - the divorce can be suspended. If she doesn’t object to the divorce, or says she wants to work on it without making any effort, the sooner you know the marriage is over & the faster you can move on.

Take after yourself exercising, eating right, hydrating & getting a good nights rest. 180 ASAP. It may be against your interests to move out, your attorney can counsel you. If that’s the case ask her to leave.

Keep posting as needed. Really pulling for you. If you still want the marriage, I hope she does the work to win you back.

Visiting his home again is also further evidence that her previous reason for the visiting was a lie.

Exactly!!!

Sorry to hear she isn't giving you what you need.

VAR didn’t yield much but the tracker did.

You said she wouldn't make the same mistake twice, but the tracker also revealed indirectly that they've found a new way to communicate. When/where/how would give you the upper hand in understanding what is happening in the shadows.

[This message edited by StableLife at 9:05 PM, Friday, August 13th]

We’re just friends is the biggest lie told.

She went to his place again this morning.

Bud, she’s not going over to his place under these circumstances to play checkers and watch TV.

So far everything you were told up front has come true.

I’m sorry but you should stop keep yourself in limbo. She’s not worth it.

It’s time to move fast.

Hey BNB,

VAR didn’t yield much but the tracker did. She went to his place again this morning.

Am going to assume you had a talk with her over the weekend, and she probably apologized to you for not telling you she went over to her 'friend's' place again.

She also highly likely told you that she went over there to 'break it off' with him, a she felt calling or messaging was too impersonal, and she did value his 'friendship'.

Well, as with the 'friendship', the personal goodbye is a favourite of WS. They valued the APs feelings more than the BSs feeling.

Anyway, if the above did happen, I do hope that you are taking the necessary steps to get out of Infidelity.