SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

W,

one question,

She broke NC after you told her that it woukd be a Dealbreaket??

other thing, unless your SIL phone is on her name I dont see how OM found her number? despite al the coincidences.

IMO there are some minimization or TT about who knew and allowd it and other thingd. In a brigth side she told you things you could never know.

While apart, let her know that is better to come clean about omissions, TT or minimizations than you finding out.

Anyhow IMO you have almos all you need to decide, only her attitude and doings will define your path for good

Walloped,

You have all the information you need and have a plan. I don't judge your path it is YOUR path. The only thing I wish for you is peace and healing. Your post was a gut wrenching read my friend and I wish you the best.

Walloped I do not trust your wife and I am certain she is not out of the fog. I gurantee you she has not told you everything. The opposite of love is indifference not hate and she said she hates the OM. One more thing she already broke NC once - now that she is alone in the house do you really trust her to not break it again. I hope these two things make you rethink your view of who she was and who she is.

Another comment about your wife's reaction: Why the !@#$ is she worrying about you seeking revenge? That is a glimpse into the self-centeredness and selfishness of a cheater. You should have asked her what she would do if you did have an RA. At this point I think she'd forgive it. I'm not saying you would but what pisses me off is she caused all this damage for nothing and she worried if her husband is going to have an RA? In the midst of all your suffering she's still worried about herself. She has a lot of work to d my friend - there is a real defect tin there somewhere.

Don't believe her tears or her supposed "remorse" yet. She knows the OM is a player so he is not really a long term option - what if he was. She is not stupid she likes her coddled secure lifestyle.

Just work on you and when you do you will see options you never knew existed. Choose out of strength not fear. Good luck.

[This message edited by ManWithNoName at 4:42 PM, August 24th (Monday)]

To me, the hardest part was reconciling with my new reality. Once I did that, it was from that peace I knew what I needed to do, what path to take and necessary choices to make. Walloped, it sounds like you are in the right path to reconcile with your new reality the way you see fit. You will have the clarity and strength soon enough to decide what is best for you.

Walloped

Are you surprised at how selfish your wife became?

How compartmentalized she made her life?

You, the marriage, your family at night. The OM and her Affair during the day???

HM

@H64 Good point which is why I think those that carry on a LTA means the person has a real defect in their character. Wallops post today sent my bp through the roof, especially when she has the audacity to worry about him having an RA. How selfish can you be?

[This message edited by ManWithNoName at 5:06 PM, August 24th (Monday)]

Dearest Walloped,

I wholly understand how drained you must be, it's like you don't even know what day it is or what time of the day it is. The life has been sucked out of you.

I laud you for keeping your cool through all of that, it must have been excruciating, and despite the content, you were meticulously thorough and unwavering. Sounds ridiculous, but Great job!

My heart skipped a beat a few times reading your post, my eyes filled with tears. I So wish there was a pill you could take to help with all of this, we can only treat the physical symptoms. Wounded psyche's are not responsive to pharmaceuticals (Where is the SOMA??)

At least now you will have a temporary respite, Now you can have the space and time you need to process, unfettered by the close proximity to what ails you, and as I said, resentment can be palpable when you are in the same residence daily. There is a constant reminder of the pain.

You have taken another decisive step...next on the list ....1) HEAL. I have every confidence you will do what you need to do to emerge like the phoenix rising from the ashes. Good man!!

I expect that within a few more weeks, we'll see you try out your wings and If I was hedging my bets, I would put money on you eventually soaring!

Hard work? yes; Exhausting? yes; nausea inducing? yes; liberating? partially; lightning the load? partially; making progress? definitely; out of the woods? not yet! Close? not sure.

Good luck with the next phase! Serenity Now! Or at least sometime soon!

(((((((((Walloped)))))))))

Want this to stop

Walloped, you are wise and determined. Two good qualities to get you through this mess that's been heaped upon you.

An analogy:

When we train horses, we like to keep their feet moving. A "stuck" horse is a dangerous horse. You just keep your feet moving. You can change direction as many times as you need.

Sending you hugs and strength.

You're doing awesome man. You have all the facts out there. Now is the time to do exactly what you smartly decided to do... break away and you'll just know what needs to be done.

I KNEW that the story that the SIL likely invented about the No Contact didn't make sense.

The fact that you are struggling to wrap you head around what your wife has done is something that doesn't seem clear to her..

She is gonna have to realize that what she did to you, to family has caused permanent, PERMANENT damage to these relationships..

As soon as she can wrap her head around that, the sooner she may take appropriate action to make things right..As much as that can be possible..

She may have her wishes and fears, but there is no going back..None..She will have to deal with her fears head on..

Without reassurances from you..

How us betrayed spouses deal with being cheated on is highly individual..Not to be judged..Heck, we change our own minds often..

It isn't cruel when we say enough is enough...

It is what it is..She betrayed you in the worst way...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:33 PM, August 24th (Monday)]

Don't see how there is mjuch more to say.

You have a plan, and you understand you cannot yet know what the end result will be.

The only thing I read that i might question is that OM found her at her sisters and conveniently guessed that that is where she would be. And how would she know her sister knew???? Unless her sister knew while it was going om???

Glad you are getting meds. nothing left but taking time to see where your head is at, but at least you have some control now.

@nononsense - great point! like I keep saying there is much more going on here. She is not out of the fog and I would not be surprised if during their separation she contacts or even sees the OM - who is there to watch her? If destroying the lives of her 5 children did not stop her form cheating int he first place what will?

@nononsense - great point! like I keep saying there is much more going on here. She is not out of the fog and I would not be surprised if during their separation she contacts or even sees the OM - who is there to watch her? If destroying the lives of her 5 children did not stop her form cheating int he first place what will?

MWNN

I agree with you, but Walloped has to do what he needs to do. The longer this separation goes on and the more scared she gets that Walloped is going to divorce her, the more likely it is she will suddenly not hate OM so bad.

That is why he is very smart to do the polygraph at some point, because he is NOT going to know what she is doing like he does now being separated. All she has to do is go back to SIL house when SIL is not around and call him. She knows how to reach him. He has not changed his number sl all the changes in her number mean nothing if she panics gets mad, gets depressed or misses the go kibbles, especially when depressed.

I hate separations but Walloped is a very smart man and has put much thought into this and had the courage to face the details head on. So i think we should all point out any discrepancies to her story we see, but respect his decision to separate.

What also annoyed me about Walloped's wife is she is worried HE is going to have an RA during the separation!!! This coming form a woman who had a LTA and broke NC -she is worried about him stepping out. Cheaters say the darndest things. SMH

Hi W , Like everyone here as said , you have done a great job in the most terrible situation .

Some of your WW answers , although honest are totally gut destroying to comprehend , how she could have become so lost .

There is one answer that somebody else did hint at didn't seam quite right and I don't think you cleared it up totally . The one where your WW and POS spoke about his wife and family while at his apartment , but didn't your WW during your phone conversation with POS own wife tell her she was so sorry and didn't know he was married ,only to be told by POS wife , maybe not but that she knew that she was ?

Walloped the more I think about your wifes behavior since dday the more I think she needs a polygraph test. This story is so much more layered then she is letting on. You also might want to leave a VAR (voice activated recorder) in the house and check it every couple of days just to see what she says when you are not around.

PP posted that she told you things she didn't have to, that you would never know. I agree this is positive regardless, but it is only great sign for true remorse, ONLY if a poly had not ever been mentioned before.. .

If she knew a poly was a possibility, she knew a question would be "did you lie about anything to do with the A?". Which is not to say it is not valuable - of course it is. W, you need this information so it is a plus. But I am reluctant to assign it to remorse if the poly was on her mind. (Which isn't to say she isn't remorseful, but this might not be the indicator). Wow did I cover my ass with enough permutations there??

My WF knew a poly was coming. But actually what got the truth from him on Saturday night was that I was reading him excerpts of posts from SI (without telling him the site info) about the pain of TT. I didn't actually think there was more to come, it is just that we were together all week and reading SI and similar is basically all I have done in all that time. He wanted to hear so I had been reading to him and it really sunk in. Saturday night when he told me the full story of his background, he also told me he had been arrogant and stupid enough to convince himself he could beat a poly, and that if he didn't, he would deal with it then. I had made the error of saying I would give him the poly in December - in his mind, he had ages to work something out. Now that he is reading up about his issues - the pathological lying, the lack of integrity, the lack of empathy, and realizing just how weak and selfish he is, he is beginning to make the moves to change. I see it. Slowly. Right now it is a deep desire to change rather than actual change, obviously, it is too soon. But he reads constantly about how to become a decent person, he is in IC, he is willing to do anything I need. The bottom fell out of my world again on Saturday night, but it was all about prior to our relationship (I am realizing his lying is an enormous issue). And he told me deeply shameful things that I would never have asked on a poly and he knows it. He is desperate to change. He remembers totally irrelevant lies now (from before DDay) and tells me them immediately. The poly might be helping with this but really I think it is just that he hit rock bottom. He is absolutely sick of himself and wants to be different. I am doing the poly asap as I just need to know for sure that what I believe is the full story really is. I have even told him that I will ask in the poly if he looked into how to cheat a poly. I am covering every base.

I am rambling. Sorry to digress so far. My point in saying all that was supposed to be that if you explain the poly is imminent and that a parking lot confession will be as bad as a fail, I think you will get any last hidden things from her.

In reading your story, from as far as someone on the internet can possibly have an opinion, I believe she is devastated by what she did. Selfish, immensely CRUEL, the worst of betrayals... Yes. But I do also believe that she is committed to make your marriage work. Of course if you decide you cannot, that is absolutely understandable. And I wish you all the best on that journey.

Your brother sounds like a great support. Maybe he'll play your geeky video games with you!

wantthistostop - thank you. Yes it was excruciating, which is kinda why I was the way I was Saturday night. Most of the really bad stuff came that day. And I know it reads like one conversation, but we took breaks over and over again. Twice, we stopped for close to an hour because she gave answer and I just couldn't handle it. And no, it's not the ones you might think. One was when she said she hung around his place nude sipping coffee. It just sounded so casual and comfortable. I lost it there. Had a full blown breakdown. The other is my own. But if you could picture the two of us, across from each other at the dining room table, boxes of tissues, used one, lots of tears, my phone, her timeline. It was a mess. Much of the time we each had our heads down on the table. Anyway, moving onward. Thanks so much.

Happy - yes, it does. I hope she explores this at IC. Primarily because it doesn't fit with who she's been for 27 years. Its definitely something I plan on bringing up during MC.

nononsense - could you please clarify the question? I don't follow.

eric / valentine - thanks.

Mrhealed - yeah. She did. Broke NC. Frankly, I'm not surprised. The only thing I agree with ManWithNoName on is that the opposite of love is not hate. Based on what she told me, and how deep in she was, it wouldn't be normal IMO for her to be indifferent about him. And when he called she wanted to yell at him. Selfish? Maybe. But she told me and she didn't have to. She could have lied.

ManWithNoName - I appreciate your posts, so thank you. I do want to say though that I disagree with your last 3 post nearly in their entirety. I don't know your story, but it comes across as if you are projecting yours into mine. I refuse to ignore what she has done to me, my kids, and us. I equally refuse to ignore 27 years of history and paint her with a broad brush of evil.

No, I completely disagree that wanting me not to have a RA is selfish. Is it hypocritical? Sure. But doing the wrong thing for whatever reason, but wanting someone you profess to love to not make the same bad choices and instead do the right thing? I want to be that type of hypocrite. If she was indifferent to my having an RA, well, wouldn't that be the opposite of love? And she expressed her fear. Knowing how it would sound. Not wanting me to damage us further than she already has. Frankly, I think it was courageous.

Devonman- Yes. I said this earlier bMy phrasing is the issue. When my wife and I discuss his wife, we call her his wife even though my wife thought she was his ex when they were together. So they didn't discuss his family. He'd complain what a bitch his ex was to him when they were married and now that they're divorced. Of course all of that was a lie since they weren't divorced. I just condensed it into that he complained about his wife. Got it?

We I'm furious on your behalf about not even THINKING about getting pregnant or getting an STD. That is just beyond ridiculous. I sincerely hope her 6 month HPV test comes back clean.

nononsense- I don't get it. I work. As of now, she doesn't. What's ever to stop her calling POS during that time? She's not under house confinement. Why should it matter where I sleep? Sorry, I'm not following. Don't get me wrong. I'll check phone records, monitor emails, texts, etc. but preventing her from going somewhere to call him? Unless I plan to chain myself to her, I don't see how me staying at my brother's changes her ability to do that.