SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've kept largely away but will add a few things

1) Your details are amazing. Thanks for such insight

2) 53-60 had to be horrible to hear.

69-71 OUCH

74 She turned you down while pleasing him.

That may have been the worse ?

84 Good

87 I hate post nups. Granted, one may be

needed but not as a tool to destroy someone

89 Good

Next, don't move out !!!! I don't care. You suffered enough, why move out ? Separation I am opposed to. It gives people the space to continue to cheat. I agree with Nononsense here. If she really has kept no contact for the last few weeks, when she's lonely, why would it be unacceptable to you for her to cheat while together but acceptable for her to be unsupervised and cheat when you are apart ? and potentially in your house ? Sorry Whalloped, makes no sense. Either R or D but space is bad on just about all relationships.

W , thanks for reply .

I do think getting out of that basement and going to your brothers house is exactly the right choice at this moment in time .

To detach yourself from everything that's gone down in the last few weeks and being with your brother is going to be the best medication you can get right now .

Hit the gym brother , love and peace .

I had a hard time getting through your post about your weekend walloped. I am so sorry bro. That must been one of the hardest things you have ever had to do.

At least it is done and you now have the information you needed and a solid plan. Only 3 weeks out from dday and you are way ahead of the curve. Take you time to heal and take care of yourself.

The triggers and mind movies will be hellish. It was only after I gained acceptance that the past could not be changed that I somewhat got a handle on them. Even then though, they are still around, just not as all consuming as they were.

How much contact are you planning on having with your wife during your separation? I hope you will keep it to the bare minimum, just for essential things.

I wish you well on your journey to recovery.

Walloped,

I'm sorry my posts don't seem to help you. I will cease fro posting in this thread or reading it any longer its too painful. I do want to clarify something before I go - I did NOT mean that your wife was selfish for not wanting you to have a RA you are correct she is a hypocrite- I said it was selfish for her to be thinking about it at all - I viewed it as your wife thinking about herself once again in the midst of all this anguish and torment she has caused you and you family. I view that statement of hers as selfish not courageous. Good luck and goodbye I hope you find peace and happiness.

[This message edited by ManWithNoName at 7:41 PM, August 24th (Monday)]

Western meet Devonman. Back to back posts. Polar opposite advice. The truth is I hate the idea of separating. I am terrified at what she'll do. But I can't control her. She either needs to step up or get off the pot. Time will tell. My instinct, based on this weekend, is she won't go to him. But there are no guarantees. What I do know is that I'm trigger happy right now and there's no way I can decide anything if we remain together. I need to get my act together. Get my head screwed on straight. And o can't do that with her in my face. It's too much. I prefer if she goes. But my kids need stability and I work and for now she doesn't. The right move, once I've determined that we can't stay together for a while, is that I should leave. This isn't punishment or a legal separation or an opportunity for me to play the field (no interest anyway). It's me giving myself some space to relax and heal so I can deal with it when I do come back and not be like I've been for the past 3 weeks.

Oh. And western - details are because I wrote and recorded on my phone. No way I would've remembered all of that otherwise.

Wallup -

Sometimes you need to go off of script to make a better movie. You moving out isn't the end of the world, particularly since you are reasonably certain she will not contest a divorce or the terms. Sometimes in life you need to take chances man.

Put it this way, I think you're doing all the right things for all of the right reasons.

Even if you ended up getting fucked by this decision, I do not think that you will ever regret this decision.

Eric

And #74 bothered me as almost everything does, but no, not the worst. I was actually relieved at that. Is that weird? The alternative would have been too horrible in my mind. So I was kinda happy. How messed up is that?

And yes, it has undeniably been the worst 3 weeks of my life. And that includes the death of my father in his 40's and two miscarriages. This weekend was like I was being kicked repeatedly in the gonads without a moment to recover. But hey. I'm still here.

Just heal up in time for the new Star Wars man

But with your luck, JJ will have the son of Jar Jar Binks as the new Sith Lord.

Eric - yeah. I agree. As I said to someone else, the whole situation is FUBAR so I'm choosing between one pile of cow dung and another. I won't have regrets. For the near term, balls in her court. I'm particularly curious to see if she'll come forward with some explanations for a few inconsistencies or whether she won't and it'll come out in the polygraph. I'd obviously prefer she came completely clean this weekend but my guess is she went 95% of the way there. So, I'd rather she owned up to it before the polygraph. We shall see.

LOL!!! Kinda feels that way, doesn't it? Great.

You know what? POS kinda has that vibe to him...I think I'll think of him as Jar Jar from now on when I picture him.

"Mesa big stud. Yousa wanna fuckey fuckey wid Mesa?"

Total side point - I never shared the prequels with my kids. Felt it was my responsibility as a parent to protect them.

Happy - yes, it does. I hope she explores this at IC. Primarily because it doesn't fit with who she's been for 27 years. Its definitely something I plan on bringing up during MC.

Walloped

Not just in MC'ing.

A good shrink needs to look into just how in a space of a few months your wife was able to build up such animosity towards you that she could split her life in two.

You have known her for 27 years. Now you have to worry about the next 27.

The sex is just a small part of it. She used it for control. She was getting her kicks just like her AP.

But she was a totally different person than you know.

And that should scare the piss out of both of you.

Because you no longer know the person your wife became.

And neither does she.

Again her IC needs to know about this and then focus on it. Think split personality with her controlling the split. Her alter ego is one selfish woman my friend.

I hope you find peace at your brothers and your kids understand you need the downtime from their Mother.

Walloped -

Whew! Holy shit dude! 104 questions! Your head must be ready to explode.

OK -As you've gotten plenty of feedback on the Q&A session, I want to address something else.

When you move out, and i completely understand your reasons for doing so, let me emphasize the importance to you of spending time in YOUR house with your children, on a regular basis, without WW there.

You simply cannot allow it to become normal that you are not in the house on a regular basis in terms of the children and defining the new "normal", albeit temporary (hopefully).

Another thing - after you get up in the morning, and thank the universe that you are working on yourself and healing yourself, your next thought needs to be of those kids - texting, calling, and/or seeing them on a DAILY basis.

One of the biggest issues my dumbass WH has is that *I* was the bridge between him and the kids, and since he fired me from that job, and his head is too far up COW's va-jay-jay to see the light of day, his relationships with the children have suffered terribly. It has not occurred to him that he needs to talk to the kids himself, ask questions, and make the first moves with them. But, his extra time is spent on his OP - I know you do't have that problem, but abandonment issues are HUGE for kids when the dynamic in the house changes like this.

Additionally, WW is probably going to be a mess, so they are going to need you to be strong, dependable, stable, consistent, and predictable. Set a schedule for daily phone calls, texts, or visits or whatever and come hell or high-water stick to it.

I've been that abandoned kid and I've watched CAT abandon my kids.

Be vigilant about time and attention with the kids, OK?

I know you will. I'm just reminding you....cause I have to....for my own peace of mind....

Happy - I'm right there with you, but I can't fix her problems for her. I guess I'm saying she has to decide if she's going to own her shit and take care of herself. It'll come up in MC because it impacted us so I'll bring it up. I hope it'll come up way beforehand during her IC but that's on her. That's her heavy lifting.

I'm equating this in a way to how I want people at work to deal with their jobs. I want them to own their work. Their jobs. Not to be an order taker. Be proactive. So what if it's technically Joe's job or Susan's and not yours. If you see something wrong, fix it. And don't throw data over the wall. Answer the unasked question. Think about the end user. Anticipate. Same thing here. I am curious as to how she's going to handle herself. Will she own what happened and her job of fixing herself? Does she understand that without that there will never be an "us" and even if she does what she's supposed to and is successful, there still may not be an us? Will she be proactive or wait for me to provide direction at all crossroads? We'll see.

I agree W her issues are hers alone to fix.

Down right scary when you see someone you have loved and grown up with become a total different person with someone else in the space a few months.

Your focus should be on your healing now.

Totally agree.

Walloped,

No thanks are necessary, and they are always appreciated. I am so sorry you had to suffer like that!

I had a similarly excruciating meeting Friday...so I empathize with how you feel, also sat at the dining room table, lots of tears, a hot mess! So yes, I have a very clear picture, unfortunately! 4 hours was all we could handle, at one sitting. I went home. I have left it for him to contact me for the next round. If there is even a next round. That's a wait and see in my case. I choose the positive and optimistic approach and I refuse to wallow or malinger!

In the meantime, I am going to do what I need to heal just like you. I need to concern myself with what I need, and meet those myself right now.

Noted your a music fan... do you know Elvis Costello's "What's so funny about peace, love and understanding?"

When the time comes, the path will reveal itself and hopefully we will have the confidence to choose the path that best serves our goals, whatever they may be. I don't mean to oversimplify, but this shit is complex and multi-faceted. Simplification is what the Dr. ordered! How else do you eat the Mammoth shit sandwich!

I hope that's the worst of it for you...(I hope to God!)

I don't know if you have any vacation or personal leave time available or whether you think you can take any, but you might want to consider taking some down time away from work - Either an extended de-stress or a few mini ones???? Just thinking out loud.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve it! (((((Walloped)))))

Want this to stop!

nekorb - Thank you! Yes. I hadn't worked out all the details, but I was planning on maintaining regular contact. I am going to be taking some time off and want to go away for a few days, but beyond that I planned on it. But thanks for pointing it out from their perspective. Also, thanks for pointing out the need to make sure me not being there becomes normal. Good point. And same for setting a schedule for contact. Predictable and stable are good things for the kids. Thanks.

Finally - "COW's va-jay-jay?" I'm jealous. Not of your WH. But if your ability to talk like that about him and her. I can't wait for that.

[This message edited by Walloped at 9:39 PM, August 24th (Monday)]

Wall

-

I never shared the prequels with my kids either. A few years ago they released TPM (3d or something) and my son saw the trailer before whatever movie that we were seeing. He's 9 now. To this day he still believes that it was a first run.

The new Rebels cartoon is pretty awesome. I think it's the best thing the Universe has put on a screen since Empire (as long as you factor in that it's a kids show).

And your description of Adrian Brody is perfect. My wife always watches the movie he's in, never anything that I would watch. He looks like a disgusting wet rat. I hate him almost as much as I hate Hugh Grant.

Even his name sounds like he should be an asshole.

I'm not making you feel any better am I?

Actually the one that should upset you the most is number 11. There is no passion in why she loves you. You are more of a BFF than a husband.

What would have happened if om was single. What happens if he was not a player. What if everything he said was true.

She does not want to have sex with you, no she wants to make love, ie, the same old same old. What she did with OM will remain special to her A. Maybe not OM but the person that she thought OM was. What is most important is that you will never be that person.

Key to this is that she still has good and special memories of the A and the feelings she got during the A. These are feeling she will never have with you.

Key to this is that she still has good and special memories of the A and the feelings she got during the A. These are feeling she will never have with you.

Rambler - umm...if you're trying to make me feel better, well, umm...it's not working.