SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There is hope when you weather the storm of Infidelity!

I have weathered the worst part of the storm called "Infidelity" and I understand that it will be a lifelong journey in reconciliation. I have learned a lot through this journey so far. But I find myself compelled to help others get through the pain and begin reconciling. I will not sugarcoat the process, it will take time and lots of hard work from both parties. My personal experience was with an unusually LTA which most people would write off as a death sentence to any relationship. Infidelity is very unique to the people involved but for those of us that are getting through it shares many things in common. Reconciling is learning to love all over again but it is much harder this time because of what we know now. We see the one we love so much differently now, yet the love is still there, damaged and bruised but still there. Lots of things were shattered with infidelity but it doesn't have to be a death sentence. Weathering the storm of infidelity and the waves of sorrow and pain and regret in those early days, months and years ahead will be the challenge of your life. But the new love and marriage that comes out of this storm will be stronger and worth the work you put into it. I so appreciate everyone on these forums that helped me through my storm and I want to pay it forward to help others get through it too. You are never alone in this journey and reconciliation can happen if you both put in the work.

Lost1313

A little update from the post above from January. The WS's responses to many of my questions through the storm have been such a big help in understanding what goes on inside the mind of a WS. My wife's LTA gutted 15 years of our marriage but with both of us in our mid 60's we have managed to straighten what appeared to be a sinking ship. There is a different feel to our marriage now, it's much deeper and appreciative toward one another. Infidelity never really lets go of us completely and rears it's ugly head out of nowhere sometimes but you learn to deal with it and move forward. I have learned that there is so much that we can't control in our lives and that life never turns out like you expected but I do believe that we were wounded by infidelity but those that survive the battle and recocile will be both stonger, closer and more appreciative of each other.

I hope this helps someone!

Lost1313

I hate June.

I remember saying those words often during June throughout these 12 years since Dday...I HATE JUNE. My H had his A while working overseas. His A started around the middle of May and ended the day he left her country around the middle of July...68 days total. But in June my H talked to the adultery co-conspirator every single day. So EVERY DAY in June my H had some kind of contact with the adultery co-conspirator.

What a trigger this month was!! After Dday I made calendars for the three months of A season and put down as many details as I could for each day. Because of all of the expense reports...time stamped receipts...google timeline...etc...I could practically tell how long they were together. It was excruciating to see it all laid out...but I knew I had to know as much as I could in order to tackle this BEAST. I was going to FIGHT...for ME...and in order to do that I needed to know what I was up against.

My H helped fill in the rest. We went through all of the information together that I had gathered...and this would give him insight into what was happening on a particular day. I actually found out about the google timeline a few years after Dday...and except for a few dates that were a little mixed up...I was pleasantly surprised to be able to corroborate everything that my H had told me from his memory. Well...pleasantly surprised is NOT how I felt when I first saw his movements on the google timeline !! But as the years rolled by I have come to see that my H really was trying to help my mental state after he destroyed it...even though it was personally devastating to him to relive something that he saw as the WORST thing he ever did in his life.

I remember how I dreaded this month the most in the years that followed. Especially since I had 2 medical procedures during June while he was having his A. I travel with my H on the projects he works on...and was even in that country before having to go back to the United States for a family emergency. Since I was already back in the United States...an opportunity came up for me to have a few medical procedures done that I had been putting off because of our travels. My H was supposed to go to another country later in the year...and I needed to get myself healthy in order to go with him. He was so supportive about me taking care of myself for a change (his words)...and it encouraged me to get these long overdue procedures done. Of course...after I found out that he was having an A...and me going to meet him instead of having these procedures would have meant he had to end his A...his "supportive" words would later come to haunt me. Sadly...for me...June would always be a month of HELL.

Except...it isn't . Even though the consensus on here is that it takes about 2-5 years to heal...it took me about 7 years. I am a little slow I guess !! I would like to say I was thorough ! We are now in a different place...a different project...and much to my surprise...June 1st this year already came and went !! WOW!! I mean...I knew when June 1st was...but I didn't even think about it being JUNE that I used to hate so much!! One more thing I have healed from...and I'll take it !!!

Honestly...I started feeling sad when I realized it was JUNE...but also honestly...that feeling didn't last long . We are going to be going home in the next few days...and we will be having a get together with our kids and family...and that is something I am definitely looking forward to !! There is so much MORE to our life together than just the 68 days of the A. And truth be told...before my realization about this being June...I was actually ENJOYING this new place where we will be for a bit . I am going to dwell on what IS rather than what WAS...or I would waste THIS time together thinking about something that happened YEARS ago. WHY would I do that??!!

Well...I DID do that...for YEARS. Looking back...it was part of my healing process so I can't say that it was a waste. Our brains are pretty amazing...and my lizard brain...or limbic system...needed time to HEAL from the trauma. I would come on here and write what had happened during my H's A...it was cathartic . We haven't told anyone about my H's A...so the lovely people on here endured my writings so that I could get it out of my head and into the posts I made .

The AWESOME people on this site became like family to me . One day my Lil Bro challenged me to just STOP writing the details down. He was right...and I am very THANKFUL that he encouraged me to quit posting EVERY...SINGLE...DETAIL. I was making ruts in my neural pathways that kept me reliving the awful details over and over...and over again. So here I am today...looking forward to what June has in store for me !!

What brought me here today is something I read . God has been very IMPORTANT in my healing...the MOST important actually. What I read today brought back how supportive He was in my healing process as well! The devil thought he had me...and I did get very ANGRY at God at first. But thankfully it didn't last long and I have been truly BLESSED during this whole healing process and beyond ! This helped me today when I started feeling down...and maybe it might help one of y'all too .

Satan got Adam and Eve to focus on one fruit when God had given them a whole garden. That's how he works. He gets you to focus on the one thing you don't have instead of all the blessings you do have. Trust that God knows what you need and will supply it when you need it.

I fell for W2b in the middle of a session of the class we were in; that was late September or early October of 1965. We started meeting for coffee after that class 4 or 5 days a week, but I was afraid to ask her out, for 2 reasons. First, I was afraid she'd refuse me. Second, I was afraid she'd be bored, and I didn't want to have to see her in class every day after failing to win her heart. (Well, and other parts blush .)

In the Spring of 1966, I decided I was not going to pine for someone who 'got away.' I had to know if she'd say 'yes' or 'no.' In fact, we both had very low self-esteem; she thought no one would ever pick her. If ours had bee a little bit higher, we both would have realized that talking for an hour or two 4 or 5 times a week was pretty much indisputably an indication of strong mutual interest.

Our first date was 60 years ago today - June 3, 1966. It was a dance on the college green 3 days before commencement for alums, students, faculty, administrators, parents of students (especially parents of graduating students), friends of the college, etc.

We started with a cocktail party at my parents' house for me, a few of my friends and our dates. Then dinner - plainsong had her first and only lobster in her life (though she has eaten 'dragon shrimp', which are often called 'lobsters', many times). Then the dance. At midnight, my parents left. My mom said to plainsong, 'I do hope to see you again.' That made me wonder if I my mother and plainsong got along too well together.

It didn't take long for limerence to reassert itself. We left the dance about 1:00 and walked over to a park that overlooks the city and talked for a couple of hours. We kissed - frowned upon at the time on the 1st date. I asked her to visit during the summer so we could go to one of George Wein's music festivals (jazz, opera, folk that year).

The dance was magical to both of us. It was the first of a number of very special times beginning that Summer. (They're still happening - I just received photos of our GS dressed for a prom tonight. Maybe his 1st date is on the same day as his grandparents'. smile )

After d-day, memories of those special times together intruded into my consciousness and hers again and again. We both thought and hoped that we could experience new good times and build new good memories, and those thoughts dueled R for us.

Several years after d-day, I read that Gottman noted that couples under stress who remembered good times tended to stay together. Worked for us, but I wished I had read the book much earlier - I would have been less nervous about the success of R.

*****

Sixty years is a complete Chinese astrological cycle. Neither of us have any known Chinese ancestry, but we both have an affinity for things Chinese, and the 60 year cycle carries weight. Besides, 60 years is both a short and a long and, perhaps, a very long time.

Living 60 years didn't surprise me. Being in love for a whole astrological cycle - I never expected that.

It's a gift, not an accomplishment. I'm very, very grateful to the Universe. SI played a part, so Thanks, SI.