SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Any way you can vent and verbalize feelings is a very good thing. I learn something new about myself each time I express thoughts related to my husbands affair.

We can all see that you are still in love with your wife and those of us that are experiencing a successful reconciliation want the same for others. That is why there are so many varying opinions here. Some of us divorce, some are in limbo, and some fighting like hell to move past the affair with the cheater. The beauty of Si is the ability to vent and access so many different types of infidelity situations.

You say you are certain about divorce. Are you certain about how to deal with the pain of this betrayal? Of the hundreds of pieces of advice you have received here, I think AprilFoolsDay had the best of all:

In the end though, this is now about you and what you want. Be careful though, of burying these emotions and feelings. They will surface at a later stage in a different realtionship. Deal with the pain like you've dealt with the infidelity - head on. Go to IC

You are on our hearts and we are all have one common bond....helping others deal with the pain of betrayal. If it helps you to post, then keep doing it. If coming here causes you more pain then take a break from us. We won't take it personally :)

I really do not need convincing I just have a place I can vent and for that I thank you all!

Great! Come on over! Lots of venting back and forth in the Betrayed Men thread. It can be cathartic. I'll even point the way to the current thread here -

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=549906&AP=781

Jump in anytime. Newbies bring the beer (virtually).

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:14 PM, February 18th (Wednesday)]

True...Arizona is hot. But Florida is humid and sticky and gets bowled over by hurricanes.

Also, during the spring and summer Florida has an even money chance for rain...every...stinking...day.

You know the old tale about how the Vikings gave Greenland it's name so invaders would think it was a nice place and go there while leaving the Vikings alone in Iceland? My theory is that Florida got the name "The Sunshine State" in much the same way. It's just a big lie.

[This message edited by PlanNine at 2:10 PM, February 18th (Wednesday)]

SG

Trying to find her "Why" will drive you crazy.

The OMW saw you are a package. You look in the mirror and see a good looking man. A man that loves his wife. A man that is a good father and provider. You are not selfish in any of your actions.

Put your wife in front of the mirror.

You will see a beautiful woman. A woman that loves her husband. I dont' doubt that. A woman that is a good wife and mother.

But she is selfish. She not only disrespected your marriage but she disrespected her self.

Is she damaged goods? Right now she is.

I think you are right to let her go. To show her consequences.

You are hurting because she is hurting. That is natural.

Support her going forward by encouraging her to talk to a good therapist.

Encourage her to move forward and slowly start a new relationship with the kids.

Then be your own best friend and start thinking of your own future. It might be without her or maybe someday it might be with her.

Her remorse will grow as time goes by.

Hopefully she will look in the mirror someday and see the woman she was when she married you.

HM

SG just wanted to let you know that I experienced the feeling people were laughing at me as well - especially my wife's friends who knew about the affair.

It is natural, but inaccurate.

Most people I have learned take our experience (or the story they know) and congratulate themselves that they aren't in the same situation. That is, they look for reasons to say 'our marriage is different'.

There is an element of pity (which I hated) and yes, those who say 'well something MUST have been going on in the marriage to make her do that...' - but I noticed if you really looked at WHERE these comments were coming from, the people behind them just weren't that bright...

I continue to applaud you for your strength of conviction as you navigate this nightmare.

There is nothing wrong with you - I think you know that, but don't forget it!

I still occasionally wrestle with the 'why', but the fact is, we are trying to figure out a logical reason for decisions that were made by an illogical brain. You can't do it.

Personally I think your doing the right thing for you. You need this to move on with your life.

Sometimes I wish I'd done the same thing. My fWW knew before we married how I felt about cheaters. But she did it anyway. Rather than split up my family, I sucked it up and stayed with her. Big mistake. As I found out much later, it was an attempt at an exit affair. Only problem was that the OM only wanted one thing and we all know what that was.

As for moving, pick a nice warm place with plenty of golf courses.

Spaceghost, you have the support of many here and I can see from your posts that you are well able to take what you need of other people's thoughts, advice and suggestions and leave the rest.

You have made your choice, you are comfortable with it and I wish you all the best as you concentrate on yourself and begin to move forward.

I posted early on here and just revisited. This story, quite frankly, makes me sad.

I have always been a big believer in personal responsibility.

She tells me it was all on her and it was not me. She cheated because there was something wrong inside her and she is in therapy for it.

That, my friend, IS what personal responsibility is about. Your wife isn't hiding from what she did, she's standing up and taking responsibility for her actions. Not everyone is perfect. Affairs, by their very definition, are a reflection of an underlying problem - and the fact that your wife is clearly remorseful and willing to take on the mountainous efforts to win you back is a measure of just how personally accountable she is trying to be. So many of us here would love to have a WW who truly understood what they put at risk.

My question for you is where is YOUR personal responsibility?

Do you not owe your wife of however many years SOME measure of chance? Do you not owe her some opportunity to fix herself? To show you that she's not the person she was during the affair? We're not talking here about someone who has repeatedly lied, blameshifted, and done the hundred other things so many of us have experienced. We are talking about someone who, upon discovery, has immediately turned around and recognized her wrong-doings. Is there no sense of "in good times and bad" - on YOUR end... regardless of whether or not she broke HER vows?

It doesn't condone her affair. It was an awful thing - believe me, I know. But that part of her life is clearly over. She did something reprehensible because, deep down, there is something inside her that didn't allow her to manage her life more appropriately. And now she'll never have the opportunity to make up for it. To me, that is very, very sad.

I don't know, SG. You're obviously free to make whatever decision you want. But, as a casual observer, I will tell you that the routine comments of you wanting to go out and fuck someone else and calling your wife "used goods" is the sign of (1) someone who is too early on in the process to make a good decision or (2) is quietly happy that he's now able to go out and play the field again.

Sorry. I feel bad for your situation, of course. No one deserves to be cheated on. But a woman who loves you and is truly remorseful - and someone who you've spent most of your life with - deserves AT LEAST an opportunity to demonstrate their remorse.

Cutting them off before they even have the chance is not a good decision.

I know - let the barbs fly. But I stand by what I wrote.

There is a stark difference between coming forward and admitting to an affair versus being caught in an affair....and you want to point out "personal responsibility?"

She was given three chances to fess up. Where was that "personal responsibility"?

But if you happen to see her through the prism of your history, please pause to examine it.

My WH said something similar to me as I told him I was done with him... But the thing is...(and what I told him)...I was NOT the one who forgot our shared history...our family, our friends, vacations, holidays... and what exactly all of that meant. He's the one that lost the plot...and that's on him.

SG I am one that truly admires your courage in the face of betrayal and for being so resolute in your position and decisions. You are a good man. It seems maybe she lost sight of that. That's her loss.

Edit to fix typos...

[This message edited by Seriously??? at 5:46 PM, February 18th (Wednesday)]

LifeIsCrazy:

Do you not owe your wife of however many years SOME measure of chance? Do you not owe her some opportunity to fix herself?

Respectfully, NO. Hell no. SG may choose to grant that chance, if he concludes that it is worthwhile to do so. But he absolutely does not owe this to the woman that defiled the marriage.

To say otherwise strips SG of his dignity and humanity.

Richard1783,

You have a PM.

I really don't want sympathy but I am trying to understand the why and I guess it really does not matter. She did it and now we are probably not going to grow old together. And for that I am sad.

Don't waste time trying to figure out the why because you won't figure out why it happened. Not really. Instead, do what you are doing: invest in YOU. It takes time to put yourself back together after the betrayal of an affair. You will never be the same man you were prior to D-Day. However, you will find your way forward and, based on all you have written here, you will do just fine. I so admire you for how you have handled this mess.

At some point based on your story you going to become very frustrated with the lack of an explanation

Why? Why did someone who loves you and finds you attractive screw everything up. The two of you had a good life. Why did she blow it up?

She clearly regrets it. The thing is she may search for years and still not understand.

As time goes on and you realize what you was special the question will grow more frustrating. It is what all who have remorseful spouses struggle with

Do you not owe your wife of however many years SOME measure of chance? Do you not owe her some opportunity to fix herself?

Respectfully, NO. Hell no. SG may choose to grant that chance, if he concludes that it is worthwhile to do so. But he absolutely does not owe this to the woman that defiled the marriage.

To say otherwise strips SG of his dignity and humanity.

Totally second this mhca. When a partner cheats, they consciously, volitionally choose to participate in an action that will end the marriage. They know it, they still do it. So no, the BS does not owe them any chance at all.

SG- This

She did it and now we are probably not going to grow old together. And for that I am sad

You could still grow old together.... what your WW has done is no reflection on you, it was all about her, she made a terrible choice to cheat on you, she lied when you confronted her, she did this to try and stop this all coming out because its you she loves and wants, she knew what your feelings were and she knew what the consequences would likely be when you knew, sadly cheaters never think they will get found out, they never think of the consequences, they believe they will never have to deal with them, its their secret but its what she does now and going forward that counts. Good partners, lovers and friends are hard to find....I made the choice to work through R with mine, he is worth it, I just have to live with what he has done, its really hard to do but I don't feel any lesser person for making that choice, in fact I feel empowered by it. Nobody is laughing at me, I am a strong, brave person who is doing what is right for me and my family, who gives a shit what anyone else thinks, nobody else matters.

Warning: projection here...

I think SG must ask his WW one thing: if she loved him, why did she not end the affair on her own prior to getting caught.

Let's face it...even when she suspected SG was onto her, she did not end the affair on her own. She was given one chance to fess up and she gaslighted and took the affair submarine. That's not love, and I'm pretty sure that was the last nail in the coffin for SG.

My WW would have not ended her affair had I not caught her. She had a good thing going...the old man at home who doted on her and the sexy young OM who rocked her world sexually. She had it good. No reason to end having her ego fluffed by two men. Greed...plain and simple.

My WW is coming to terms with this and has taken ownership of her greedy behavior. She recognizes that this covetous, greedy behavior extends into many facets of her life: overspending, partying, seeking validation from others (mainly men)...

She's working hard on this aspect of her personality and that by itself is one of the reasons I'm choosing to postpone divorce and see how she does.

But I can understand for SG the affair was a deal breaker. I support his decision to put the marriage to rest.

[This message edited by BeerParty at 7:02 AM, February 19th (Thursday)]

You have been most defensive about your WW and that shows you have a good heart, but look at this adultery from another viewpoint.

Most wives in good marriages don't cheat because it destroys the image of the marriage from their own perspective. Infidelity degrades the relationship and even if hubby never finds out you have trashed the marriage in your own eyes. So we know that your WW didn't have a sterling opinion of your union; wasn't worth staying faithful for. This is why you need to divorce.

You may be curious about the physical details of the betrayal which could have a mitigating influence.

1] Did she insist of the use of a condom? This would protect you from STD's and herself from pregnancy.

2] The use of a condom would ensure that you never exposed to contact with the OM's contribution to love-making. Trying to be discreet here.

3] Was sex with you immediately after sex with OM? Was their a decent time interval between the events?

4] Was their any sign of shame or guilt after she returned from her liaisons with the OM?

All of the above may not seem important if you have decided on divorce, but still the answers to the questions would indicate whether there was any small respect for you or the marriage. Could make a difference down the road.

Side note: SG, you said this is your most recent post:

I Feel I am spending to much time on this.

By "this" did you mean discussing why divorce is a must for you and reconciliation is off the table? If so, I understand. You can only explain your point of view so many times and then it is what it is.

If, however, you meant that you are spending too much time dealing with your wife's affair, THAT I would like to respectfully suggest you reconsider. Many/most of the people on the SI site have been here for years, myself included. Just look at the number of posts under each person's comments.

There is so much to process, so much to understand and so much change to deal with. It is fair and reasonable to allow yourself A LOT of time for this, regardless of how strong/stoic/resolute you are. My opinion is that dealing with an A is, at the very least, a special exception to the "not dwelling on things" rule.