SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just out of curiosity, did you recommend SI to the other BS?

I am trying to figure out where I should move to. Can't help feeling like people are laughing behind my back. When I came here I thought my wife did not love me and I was confused since she acted like she did... Now I am confused since I know she does love me and threw it away on some ass hat?

No one is laughing behind your back, something like this gets others to think hard about life and their own marriages. It is not a laughing matter.

Only your wife can tell you why she did this. When you talk to her therapist again, ask the therapist why your wife did this. Took such a huge risk for no benefit.

Has there ever been any conversation about the OM being her boss, and the fact that this could have been job promotion type related?

It doesnt sound like it, but a thought.

As you continue to think about everything that has happened, you continue to change your thoughts and thinking, which is what every good thinker and analyzer does.

You are struggling with what a lot of us are. My husband has always told me that he loved me. That he could love no other. So the fact that he was willing to throw that away for a piece of ass and ego kibbles is mind blowing to me still. He doesn't have a good answer either. Except stupidity, selfishness, and narcissism.

I have stated many times, to cheat and then want to still have a marriage is the utmost selfishness. If you are going to cheat then be ready to leave because this aftermath is horrendous. I am staying because I do love him and I want a stable family for my children. This is hard, hard, hard. Staying to me is just as strong as leaving. Right now it would be easier for me to leave, but.....I am willing to stay for my children. They are happier with their parents together. That is all I need to know. My husband was willing to put aside their happiness for his own selfishness, I am not wiling to do that. If my children were all grown and out of the house, I may feel differently.

You did the right thing as far as the OM wife is concerned. She has the right to know and you are helping her in her search for information.

See he lied just like we said and you beat your wife and are crazy.

Your kids will get through this. They may or may not want to go to IC. It is their choice. The best help for them is for your WW to sit down with them and explain her actions. The will see first hand the devastation that infidelity causes.

I see no need for you to see your WW therapist. Find your own if you feel you need to seek IC. I agree with that 100%.

Florida for golf. AZ it is too hot for me there but golf is good. How about the Hilton Head area. Man that is nice and so many golf courses.

I actually live on a golf course here in Texas I love it I can hop in my golf cart and be on the tee box in 3 minutes.

When my own parents went through a hard time while I was an adult, they started playing each other off of me a little. I basically told them I didn't want anything to do with either of them, no matter whose fault it was. I was disillusioned with both, figuring as adults they should have been able to sort things out. Be prepared for some of that, or at least don't be surprised if it appears. My sister was much more understanding.

she is showing so much remorse for what she did.

What did she do that tells you she's remorseful?

I see a lot of regret over losing you and her marriage and everything she built with you... But that's regret... She's sorry for what she lost, it's about her.

Remorse would be being sorry for the harm she's done to you and trying to make amends for that independently from the end goal of getting you back.

Even the counselor episode looks like trying to trick you into going to MC with her, rather than trying to fix herself with IC.

I have to agree with Italianjob, I see regret not remorse. She's still trying to manipulate you back into the m, which isn't surprising, seeing that she wants to save the m. A regretful wayward is a dangerous animal, watch your back.

I have to agree with Italianjob, I see regret not remorse.

I trust SG in his appraisal.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 12:02 PM, February 18th (Wednesday)]

Here's my take. I think it is no coincidence that she waited for the kids to grow up and leave home before embarking on this affair. While they were growing up she had to be the dutiful wife and mother. Once they were gone the restrictions were gone. She could continue to have loving husband at home and have a little fun on the side.

My feeling is she had been working up to have an affair for a couple years now. She was contemplating it and biding her time. This boss had probably been showing her interest for some time, and given his status she found him attractive.

This affair didn't just happen. She didn't "fall into it" like so many waywards say it. She went looking for it. That makes it more hienous in that it was premeditated before the OM even came into the picture. It really could have been any guy who came along and caught her fancy. She was ripe for an affair. JMHO.

True...Arizona is hot. But Florida is humid and sticky and gets bowled over by hurricanes. The only natural disaster that Arizona suffers from is the Cardinals.

[This message edited by BeerParty at 11:01 AM, February 18th (Wednesday)]

SG

Where is the remorse??? Yup, she is sad. She fucked up her entire life and yours to get laid. Who would not be sad????

Two weeks ago she was looking you right in the eye lying to your face and my guess is if you had the VAR in her car for any amount of time, you probably heard some pretty hurtful shit on conversations with her girlfriend and OM that you have not shared here. Up until the server walked in her office she was having "fun" You do not go from doing that to total remorse in two weeks.

She has tried to manipulate you into MC where her therapist probably has a prepared plan for you since she had a week before you got home.

It has been four months for me. I would have been right where you are EXCEPT for one key thing. When I confronted my wife she did NOT lie and came clean right away on everything I asked for. And i am still questioning her remorse. Your wife did not such thing.

You are mistaking regret for remorse. Italian Guy got it exactly right. She may eventually be remorseful but all she is thinking now is how to get her ass out of the mess she has created.

You might want to consider renting a place somewhere warm after you sell your house before you actually buy in a different location. Good luck in starting your new life and not compromising your integrity.

It looks like remorse to me. I know it's a hell of a lot more than I saw from my XWW.

Now I am confused since I know she does love me and threw it away on some ass hat??

And this is the eternal question we try to answer. Unfortunately, I really don't think there is an answer, and that is what makes accepting what our WS did so hard.

There sure is a lot of speculating, assumptions, and projecting going on here.

Speculation and assumption are part and parcel of a discussion forum. The OP can pick and choose which information he finds useful and ignore the rest.

[This message edited by BeerParty at 12:18 PM, February 18th (Wednesday)]

The OP can pick and choose which information he finds useful and ignore the rest.

Thankfully

SG,

I've followed your thread since the beginning. Your story is all too common, but your reactions are quite different than most - which is why there are so many posts here.

I applaud you for your strength and conviction to do what is best for you. If you think moving on is the way to go, then do it. I completely understand the thought of her having another man ruins your image of your marriage.

And I'm not for false R. So many people are scared of the unknown, or co-dependent, or fear financial repurcusions that they stay. You apparently are ready to move forward without her.

I think the reason why there are so many varying opinions on here is the way in which you tell your story. For some odd reason I found myself hoping for R. Not because I'm some hopeless sap, but because the way you describe her and you.

Not being there I have no clue, but I get the feeling from you she's showing true remorse. I do think she compartmentalized and fucked someone for the thrill and challenge without facing the consequences. Compartmentalization is a necessary psychological component that allows us to deal with varying issues at the same time. Unfortunately it can also be mis-applied and lead people into the wrong choices.

I'm not here to tell you what to do. You've clearly thought this through. And if you cannot see her in a different light than an adulterer then it is time to move on. But if you happen to see her through the prism of your history, please pause to examine it. Forgiveness, when delivered in justified situations is a far stronger choice than moving on.

In the end though, this is now about you and what you want. Be careful though, of burying these emotions and feelings. They will surface at a later stage in a different realtionship. Deal with the pain like you've dealt with the infidelity - head on. Go to IC.

OK, that's all I've got. You're a strong person who has handled this shit storm with aplomb.

Good Luck.

Hi again of course my wife has regret. But she is also remorseful and she is not blaming me at all. She is taking responsibility for it.

As far as nononsense I think I read your story. Your wife had sex with 2 different other men. And if I recall she had a 3 some with one of the other men so she did admit to having sex with at least 3 guys. Now I guess she admitted it but what are her consequences?

My wife could have told the truth to me but she did not want a divorce. If she would have admitted it boom we are done. So my wife is not a monster for trying to save her marriage. She was trying to protect what she had. But the affair was the deal breaker.

In your case your wife got to have sex with other men and still stay married. Please understand I am not critical of you I just can't do that. That does not make me better or worse than you it just makes me different. So my wife is willing to take a polygraph at anytime so I know she is being truthful. She said she could not admit the affair and she still wanted to stay married so she lied to me.

So I hear what people are saying but I am close to this and she is heartbroken at what she has done. One of our neighbors got divorced. They like us seemed like the perfect couple. I saw a car at their house during the day when he was at work. It was the School Superintendent. I Told my wife I thought she was cheating. My wife said leave it alone so I forgot all about it. One day their house was for sale and I went up to the wife and said Are you moving?

She said no we are divorcing! I Told her I was sorry and she got angry. She said I am happy we are done and I walked away. I talked to her husband and he told me she was having an affair with the Superintendent! I Felt bad for him he was a good guy.

My wife is not acting angry or blaming me. She knows she blew it. If anyone deserved consideration for a second chance after messing things up it might be my wife.

But I can't deal with a wife who would screw other men.

I have always been a big believer in personal responsibility. If I was a crappy husband and so she needed to cheat then I should have been a better husband. If I was a good husband and she cheated then shame on her. That is what led me here.

She tells me it was all on her and it was not me. She cheated because there was something wrong inside her and she is in therapy for it. That is why I want to end this ASAP.

I Feel I am spending to much time on this. I really don't want sympathy but I am trying to understand the why and I guess it really does not matter. She did it and now we are probably not going to grow old together. And for that I am sad.

I really do not need convincing I just have a place I can vent and for that I thank you all!

Vent away Brother. Say all you need to say get it of your chest. I certainly will not judge you. I am sorry you must go through this. Doing it alone makes it harder. If this can be your sounding board...your vent place we will lend you a sympathetic ear and words of encouragement.

I trust that all who post here will do the same and NOT judge or convince you to do things you have already stated you will do or not do.

SG, sorry this is so hard on the kids. Your situation and solution reminds me of another WW and BS. (another site)

Like you, he found out about his WW affair, and set his plans in advance - executed them in a similar manner, no turning back. Kudos to you for that.

Consider, this is what they did for the kids... The marriage was broken, divorce was imminent, but both parents worked at bonding the kids. They came to the conclusion that doing things together with the kids really helped everyone. It tore at the WW as she knew what she had brought upon the family unit, but it allowed a mutual interaction - when kids were present. Parents lived seperately, no vacations, but dinners, evenings together and things.

Maybe this isn't for you, but something along this line might ease the pain for them. I believe you will benefit too.

SG,

Here are a couple of thoughts for you, as you continue to sort all of this out.

You've come to the determination that your wife did, in fact, love you while her A was going on and still loves you now? You are correct. Yes. She did and does. It's counter intuitive, but she did and does. Her feelings for you didn't have anything to do with this, it is important to keep that in mind.

Why did she do it, then? I don't know that anyone can get to a "why", but here's my shot at "how" many affairs (including your wife's A) happen(ed). I'll call it the dysfunctional bubble.

Dysfunctional bubble consist of the following:

Temptation: due to attraction to the other person.

Opportunity: due to working with him daily.

Denial: thoughts along the lines of the A being short term, victimless, no one will ever find out, no harm no foul.

Impulsiveness: what the hell, let's go for it

Rationalization x 10: I've never done anything like this before and never will again. A million other possibilities for rationalizing, including "I deserve and want some "fun" in my life.

Compartmentalization: Nothing else exits while I'm involved in this "victimless" act(s)

Suspended morality: See all of the above

Selfishness: Let me think only about me during all of this. She didn't think about you, SG. She didn't think about your kids. She walked into a fantasy bubble and thought only about herself; otherwise, she could never have done it.

Immaturity: Let me think about my short term desires and immediate gratification and dispense with adult thinking about all of the things I know are important in life and which I have worked hard to teach my children.

All of the above and more, I'm sure, combine to lead some people down this horrible path which has impacted everyone on this board.

So, the A happens. then, inevitably, B....O....O....M. The dysfunctional bubble is burst. The BS finds out. So, the WS reacts in different ways. Some choose to hang onto some of the ingredients that got them into the affair in the first place (see above). Some simply stay in their dysfunctional bubble and feel little regret and no remorse. BUT, when they feel HUGE consequences, (which is what is often recommended on this site and is exactly what you did, SG) sometimes their dysfunctional bubble bursts completely and they turn into mush. They realize what a huge, huge mistake they have made. This sounds like what has happened to SG's WS.

SG, your wife never stopped loving you. She just created a dysfunctional bubble for herself and screwed up your world, your kids' world and her world, and in your case, it does not appear recoverable. She THINKS it might be recoverable ("I'll follow you if you move, to prove I want only you, blah, blah, blah..."), but the damage is done. The consequences have arrived. And, just like a jail sentence imposed by a judge in a courtroom, a defendant promising that they are really a good person who made a big mistake and that they will never do it again, is generally not enough to prevent their jail sentence from being imposed.

I have no grand conclusion to this, but I can tell you this, I feel your pain, and I'm sorry this happened to you.