SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree Jcanada

SG,

1) Good for you to divorce. I've been nothing but supportive of this decision and your views on this topic are in line with mine so I fully appreciate it.

2) The talk show you were mentioning, it is true. There's a double standard, including on these boards at times (different marriage websites that is). The women treat cheating women at times with kid gloves but hammer the guys. I find that to be unfortunate and you were very astute to remember that. There are studies showing that women are gaining in the cheating category with men and may have already tied them. Infidelity is not sexist regarding victims and perpetrators. It is a cancer that involves all people and all backgrounds.

3) I am thankful that this didn't happen when your kids were younger.

4) This has to be one of the stupidest assassinations of a marriage that I have seen to date. Things were all on the up and up and it made absolutely no sense.

5) I applaud you for your decisiveness and know where to draw the line and have the discipline to enforce it with a steady hand.

6) Stay away from talking to the wife about banging other women. Chances are that both of you after divorce won't look back. However, salt in the wound will make a divorce more contested, create bad blood, who knows what your kids will think after hearing you talk about it and in the end, you admit your WS is not like others. She is probably avery good person who just destroyed her own life. DO NOT have enough sympathy to let her keep you in limbo but DO have enough sympathy to treat her with respect on the way out the door. Talking about sex trophies is not that.

7) I agree. Keep yourself, your morals and your conscience clean and divorce first before seeing anyone else. Not to throw a religious line in here but we all have to meet our maker. Revenge affairs are really no better, or maybe slightly better but really not god. So I applaud your thinking here.

8) Moving away is probably a good choice. new life, new scenery.

9) I agree with you that sexual cheating is worse than emotional although it's all bad.

Take care

I see BS123 is beginning to take a page out of your book which is good. His WW is a lot worse than yours but they all have something wrong with them.

[This message edited by Western at 9:10 AM, February 17th (Tuesday)]

Spaceghost,

Frankly, you sounded much more focused before than in the last few posts.

Your reasons for D sounded solid and important. I agreed with you, if that was why you were divorcing.

Now it sounds like the real reason is that you want to have some fun yourself.

I hope you're just shaken by the emotional turmoil that talking to your wife has caused, and this is not really how you feel.

Your wife is not necessarily an horrible human being. For sure she's someone that has made herself guilty of some horrible behavior.

She needs to reach a point where she is remorseful about it (it means she is sorry for the harm she caused you not for being caught and the consequences she had) and tries to make amends for it regardless of the outcome (not to get you to stay with her but to make you feel better).

She's not now (not that she could have been, I think it's a condition that she needs to reach in time), in the future... Who knows?

Now I think it's time you work on yourself and regain the focus you had before the last few days.

Good luck.

4) This has to be one of the stupidest assassinations of a marriage that I have seen to date. Things were all on the up and up and it made absolutely no sense.

I think it is the purest assassination of a marriage. Dazzling in its clarity. Strip away all of the typical external reasons that are thrown out there (Dad treated me wrong, low self esteem, marriage boring, I had too much to drink, BFF talked me into it, blah, blah, blah) which are all BS anyway, and what you have left, the core cause, is what you have here. She wanted to, she thought she could get away with it, and most importantly in the end she chose to. She acted.

I am sure in IC navel gazing they will come up with some bullshit reason that helps her feel like maybe it wasn't completely 100% her choice, or that she is A Good Person Who Made a Bad Choice. But it was her choice, and what are we really but the end result of our choices?

or that she is A Good Person Who Made a Bad Choice. But it was her choice, and what are we really but the end result of our choices?

I think the why is the hardest thing to think about and get over. Because you start visualizing the lying, the thinking process, the act and then the cover up.

It just makes you wonder,what in the hell goes into that thought process.

There has to be some amount of rationalizing a wrong into a right. But I have thought about that forever, what goes into the decision making. The leaving of the house to go to the OM while loving and lying at home minutes before.

Your strength is admirable, as is the fact you remain true to your principles. I wish I could meet you in person and buy you a beer. I think you're doing the right thing by divorcing her and living for yourself, you've deserved it. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for it!

Keep talking to us, so we can help you on your journey!

Best wishes

I think the why is the hardest thing to think about and get over. Because you start visualizing the lying, the thinking process, the act and then the cover up.

It just makes you wonder,what in the hell goes into that thought process.

There has to be some amount of rationalizing a wrong into a right. But I have thought about that forever, what goes into the decision making. The leaving of the house to go to the OM while loving and lying at home minutes before.

Yeah me too. My fWW was never able to answer the why question...to my santisfaction anyway. There where all kinds of excuses no answers. She went to therapy for a long time but the therapist was really full of shit. Oh it's not your fault blah blah whatever. fWW flat out said it was her fault she did not blame shift. But never gave what I thought was a viable reason to throw away 21 years of marriage.

OM was a predator for sure he pursued her for 2 years at least. He made sure he was meeting her emotional needs. So eventually an EA started and then after a very long time PA.

She could have always said no.

It shocked me the lying and the planning and the over all deception was just unbelievable. She started working on a lie 2 months in advance. She started telling me she had to work on new years in November. Guess what she was at a hotel with OM on new year. Unbelievable. So that was a deliberate and planned choice it didn't just happen. None of it just happened.

[This message edited by 10yearsafter at 10:11 AM, February 17th (Tuesday)]

fWW flat out said it was her fault she did not blame shift. But never gave what I thought was a viable reason to throw away 21 years of marriage.

Most of the time there is no valid reason that a rational thinking person will understand.

That is where the problem is, it is hard to figure out let alone understand irrational decisions when you think like a rational person.

Nothing but irrational decisions, that rational people can never understand. Which is very close to trying to make sense out of nonsense.

I think it is the purest assassination of a marriage. Dazzling in its clarity. Strip away all of the typical external reasons that are thrown out there (Dad treated me wrong, low self esteem, marriage boring, I had too much to drink, BFF talked me into it, blah, blah, blah) which are all BS anyway, and what you have left, the core cause, is what you have here. She wanted to, she thought she could get away with it, and most importantly in the end she chose to. She acted.

I am sure in IC navel gazing they will come up with some bullshit reason that helps her feel like maybe it wasn't completely 100% her choice, or that she is A Good Person Who Made a Bad Choice. But it was her choice, and what are we really but the end result of our choices?

Perfectly put by House of Plane.

She did it because she wanted to and thought she could get away with it. nothing to overthink about it. Doesn't matter is she is a good or bad person.

She did it because she wanted to and thought she could get away with it.

Subtle point here, but I wasn't really saying those things caused it, or at least that wasn't the core point. Because if you subscribe to that, you are saying we are controlled by our whims, and we have poor direct control over our thoughts. If we could control our thoughts and desires, BSs would have no mind movies eternally playing. We would just turn them off like a spigot. We can't.

Believe me, I spent a lot of time contemplating knocking off the OM back in the day, and I was pretty sure I could get away with it. I was likely wrong, but thought I was right. Contemplating it didn't make me a murderer, though.

She chose to do it, and that is all that ultimately matters. That was really my point.

or that she is A Good Person Who Made a Bad Choice. But it was her choice, and what are we really but the end result of our choices?

Exactly. And in grown up land those choices have consequences. And it's a long way between being bored because hubby is out of town(Oh, you know, working his ass off to provide that lifestyle that you enjoy so much) to making a choice to cheat. It doesn't 'just happen'. You don't wake up one day, bored, and then whoops! end up with some other man's junk up in your guts.

Get a hobby, learn a new skill, read a book, watch a movie. Whatever. There are millions of ways to combat boredom that don't involve cheating.

As with all excuses, they're all bullshit.

Believe me, I spent a lot of time contemplating knocking off the OM back in the day, and I was pretty sure I could get away with it. I was likely wrong, but thought I was right. Contemplating it didn't make me a murderer, though.

She chose to do it, and that is all that ultimately matters. That was really my point.

Well said.

I have been following this thread since the beginning. Lots of input from the guys but from a woman just want to say so sorry this happened to you but you have been strong and pulled yourself together to deal with it.

One comment on something brought up -

The women treat cheating women at times with kid gloves but hammer the guys.

I never did this before DDay and since I was betrayed by WH and a "friend" I want to use the hammer on any cheater, M or F doesn't matter.

I agree House.

Trustg, you are right, doesn't matter the gender, lower the hammer

We have all anguished over "WHY?!" This is a human need, to get an answer, to make sense of it all.

People who have lost loved ones to murder want to know why. Why was I sexually assaulted as a child? But really, do the answers make it any better? "Because I could. Because I wanted to."

The fact is, it's an existential question, and there is no good answer that will bring peace - the answer doesn't matter - IT IS DONE...IT IS WHAT IT IS.

The only way to deal with it is to live by one's values and push forward with radical acceptance.

I am not defined by what was done to me, but, rather, by what I choose to become.

Blessings.

They do it because they want to, because they can, and because they think they won't get caught.

SG...I admire the way you have handled things. Usually on dday the BS is scared and trying to fix something they didn't break. You sound very determined, an d very sure of yourself. I think that is awesome.

SH,

I'll reiterate something mentioned before. A bomb just exploded in your life. Now is not the time to go out chasing new tail. It will come when it comes. Right now, you are about to embark on a course of events that will leave your kids scrambling to a new norm. Don't let what she's done change your list of priorities. Not saying it has, just that it can.

They do it because they want to, because they can, and because they think they won't get caught.

In the end...this is the real answer.

I would add...

Because something inside of them is broken.

They are selfish and self-serving.

they are emotionally immature.

They have avoidance personalities.

They lack integrity.

They compartmentalize.

They have issues with honesty.

They lack empathy.

They have a broken moral compass.

They lack healthy boundaries.

...just to name a few

My XWW Didn't tell me much but here are a few snippets of crap that I do remember.

I was bored.

I felt like an orphan after my parents died

I didn't think you'd find out.

When I got my new hair cut...it changed me.

I was missing excitement in my life.

You didn't take me out enough.

I always wanted to be part of a big family.

I feel like life is passing me by.

I only have so many good years left.

...wtf???

This is all still new to me so I may not post much for a few days. I am not talking to anyone else so I am posting my thoughts here.

Maybe I should not post my thoughts and keep them to myself. I am a firm believer in we are responsible for our own happiness. I decided I would do what I want without thinking of her feelings. So yes I went golfing best decision I made. Yes I want to move on with my life. I don't want to wallow in pain asking why me. I am willing to live with my choices.

Just so I am clear I am divorcing and I told her she could date others if she would like too. My Ego is hurt and I want to move on. I Will wait until my divorce is final then I will start dating but not until it is final. I did file for divorce because she had been dating someone else anyway. So As far as she goes she has been doing that already. I plan on being divorced in 3 months. I plan on enjoying life for a while once we are finished. After this I have no plans to marry again. But we shall see.

I Am moving away so we don't see each other. She told me she would follow me to prove she is willing to do whatever she has to for our future. So things are moving forward.

For me the best thing to do was start making my life decisions without thinking about her. This has made me make my own choices and we will see how it goes.

All she had to do is not screw another guy and none of this would have happened. I don't think I am reacting like most people do but this is how I want to handle things...

SG, you're doing great.

Infidelity is pretty bad but it boggles my mind when the SO that does it knows there is previous history there - like you with your mom, or some people from a previous relationship.

She knew it was bad, she knew how it affected you and she did it anyway. Unbelievable.

[This message edited by nuance at 1:37 PM, February 17th (Tuesday)]