SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you for sharing that with me here.

I think as the day's gone on, I'm going to give myself the whole weekend. I know that sounds like a short time, but even just working here for the day at my dad's has been so healing. Out of our apartment, away from the pain I felt there.

I'm writing and re-writing questions I have for her down, making sure I've got them written out how I want to ask them. And based on her responses I think I'll have what I need to make some choices. I want to try and reconcile, I really do. But I do need to be a bit firmer and ask for a few things to be tended to beyond saying "I've cut him out of the picture".

From experience, I can tell you this.

From what I’ve learned, often cheaters still try to control the situation. How much information they give you, when they provide it, continued lying AND playing the victim when you ask for support or assurances or something — anything affair related — months or years down the road.

The excuses for cheating often blame the betrayed. We often hear "you don’t love me" or "you didn’t pay attention" to "I was depressed".

What you NEED to hear from the cheater is "there is no good reason to cheat". Period.

What you should hear from the cheater is "I am willing to do anything or whatever it takes for however long it takes to make amends".

It’s been 13 years later and my H still shows up and makes a huge effort to let me know he loves me etc.

This only happened because I changed. I stopped being a doormat. I held him accountable. I stopped letting things slide.

And I took control of my own life. I started making decisions in my best interest. I stopped letting him call the shots and just going along.

Right now you need to stand up and fight for yourself. What you need, what you want and what you expect from your wife and marriage.

If she’s not willing or not on board, then you need to decide your next steps.

You don’t want to remain in a marriage or relationship where you are sucking it up to avoid her facing her pain. She’s NOT the victim. You are.

Thank you for saying all of that.

I need to make sure I hear the "I am willing to do anything or whatever it takes for however long it takes to make amends" before I can move forward with really trying for reconciliation.

I heard from her today before she went to set up for the expo she's vending at this weekend. I originally wanted to try and talk today when she was done with setup, but I told her "I think I'd rather wait until after your done with the expo this weekend. Maybe we can talk on Monday if you're OK with that. I don't want to rush this, I want to be able to get this right (note that I didn't say get this right for us, or make any other doormat-ish type statements here) and I hope you can understand my position.

She said that that works out for her, and she needs to be able to focus on the expo and mentally prepare to talk to me.

What struck me as odd/painful was that she said "I'll be honest, I don't understand, but if that's what you need then that's what you need. It's just hard to not feel like our relationship is ending. Because you need to be away from me.

I respond with "I need the space to sort my thoughts out. I don't want the relationship to end. I'm processing this, I've been trying to everyday. It's been traumatic. But I mean it that I do not want to lose you or our relationship. But if I can't come to you with an organized mind, I won't be able to discuss this in a healthy way."

She replies with "It's just hard to hear that I'm traumatic."

This is where I actually get a little upset. (I didn't actually say I'm upset, but I can tell you all honestly that that hit real hard)

I told her "You are not traumatic, what happened is traumatic. We have had a lot of good come to us as a result of our relationship and if you want to try, I will try too."

So now I'm here, working still for a few more hours and will likely go for a walk or read for a while after work. I'm going to have dinner with my Dad. Maybe play some chess with him. I'm going to try and get another good nights sleep. I'm going to write things down, I'm going to organize and prepare myself. Good or bad, together or without her, I know I'll be OK. It'll hurt either way, but I'll be OK.

Right now you need to stand up and fight for yourself. What you need, what you want and what you expect from your wife and marriage.

If she’s not willing or not on board, then you need to decide your next steps.

You don’t want to remain in a marriage or relationship where you are sucking it up to avoid her facing her pain. She’s NOT the victim. You are.

^^^This in a nutshell.

I understand you are trying to keep calm (I was very calm for a few short weeks until the shock wore off and the reality set in).

Honestly, I don't think you can rebuild on a bed of lies, you deserve the entire truth and your wife should willingly be completely transparent with her phone, emails, social media, etc. and give you a complete timeline of the affair.

Don't be afraid to ask her questions, most of us here have asked the same questions ad nauseum until we felt we had the truth.

Also understand, cheaters lie and minimize. I was told my husband and the other woman just kissed. That was a lie and so many of us here experienced gaslighting.

Just be vigilant, you are the victim, she is the betrayer.

She should be comforting and assuring you and be an open book.

I hope you get the honest answers you need.

Thank you!

I'm realizing as time goes on, and I get more helpful and compassionate responses here, I'm feeling a bit more empowered. I'm noticing that she of course is hurting too in her own ways, but it's me who's driving the conversation toward another serious conversation about the details. She doesn't want to get "dragged through the mud" again, or re-live her mistake because (I hope) she feels so awful about it.

I have to prepare myself for whatever outcome happens. But I also need to stand firmly and believe in myself here. I need to make sure she knows that I'm not going to be a doormat, or a pushover. I honestly don't give a damn if she can't handle the questions or feels a bit/more awful about this because I've lost sleep for weeks, I've lost 15 pounds from not eating, I've had to fake it in front of my coworkers and try even harder to just get out of bed each day.

I have to stay strong. I know I can do it, and everyone's support here has been helping me immensely.

I’m going to be brutally honest. Please take it in the manner of "I’m looking out for you as the BS".

Your wife doesn’t get it.

She has NO IDEA the trauma and pain she has inflicted on you. She thinks along the lines of "what’s the big deal it (the affair) meant nothing".

That was my H after his first affair (4 year EA). I allowed it to be swept under the rug. Never addressed it or him or anything. In my mind it was over. Move on.

I can I tell you what a huge mistake that was.

Your wife, and unfortunately, I don’t want to say this, but I want to point it out to you, is one of those people (based on your most recent post) that likes to turn the conversations around and paint herself as the victim. In reading your post it’s clear you never said anything negative towards her. However, she suddenly takes your statement and implies she’s dramatic or traumatic or whatever word she used.

Not a good sign.

My hope is that you don’t spend your time and energy in vain. By that I mean you explaining your feelings about her affair and then suddenly you’re defending your feelings to her.

I think you have given her much respect and have been a better person in this situation.

I want to point out that if I were in your wife’s position and my husband wanted to talk to me about something very serious, I would not be willing to wait days later. I think it’s possible that your wife will be using that time to "develop her story or narrative" and be prepared to turn this all around and make you the bad guy.

My suggestion is that you make your opening statements to her short and to the point. Don’t get into a back-and-forth. Don’t allow the conversation to drag on for hours and hours because that’s how she will wear you down.

I think you need to tell her what your expectations are and what you need in order to restore your relationship and get to a better place. She’s either on board and willing to do whatever it takes or she’s not.

You will be able to tell by her actions in the next 30 days whether she truly wants to reconcile with you and help you heal or if it’s just lip service and she’s going to be all about herself.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope something positive comes from your next discussion with your wife

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:53 PM, Friday, June 5th]

I appreciate you saying all that.

I'm still quite stunned at how helpful and kind everyone here has been. I know you mean what you've said from a place of trying to help me feel protected and prepared for what's to come. It doesn't make it any easier what I'm going through, but it helps.

Her feelings matter, but mine in this situation will be explained and heard first. I will keep my statements as short as I can. My requests/conditions will not be long-winded. I know that at first I was appearing somewhat as a doormat, "I want to forgive...I can forgive. I love you" statements were made. I know that's not what I should have been doing. I needed to be stronger first but I was so scared and hurt that I'd have done/said anything to keep things from imploding.

Now, as I've gotten support from everyone here I'm getting to the point that regardless of what she says or does, I have to be in control of the situation and be in control of my feelings.

Who knows, maybe after a few more good nights sleep here at my dad's I'll just decide it's not worth it to try and reconcile. Maybe I'll wake up tonight crying again? I certainly don't know what'll happen tomorrow or in the next hour. But right now, I'm feeling stronger and more empowered to stand up for myself.

Peter just one suggestion from a brother.

Whatever you do, don’t, and I mean never, ever ever, do the pick me dance.

It’s really important for your healing.

And it never works, it only offers the cheaters more hooks to abuse you further.

Be careful because there is a fine line between being kind and understanding and the pick me dance.

In your emotional state is way too easy to slip into that.
Just a little psa.

Good thing for me then...I can't and hate the idea of dancing. (my first attempt at a joke in weeks!)

Thank you for saying that, and I know. I'm not going back to our apartment to talk to her and beg. If she really wanted this to all work out, wouldn't she/shouldn't she be the one begging?

I can't let us move forward without acknowledging all the pain she's caused. I get it, she's hurting. She's been dealing with serious depression and she can get help if she wants to. Free therapy through my insurance and all. But at this point, I can't and WON'T let her turn this around on me. If she's waiting for me to break things off and make me out to the bad guy, that's not happening.

Good 👍

Joking is a medicine and works better than you’d expect.

Yes, she would be crawling over broken glass. That’s what a truly remorseful wayward who is changing does.
Because when you do this shit to someone and you finally realize the horror of what you did… well anyone who gets back to their senses would crawl over broken glass.

You are not nor can be the bad guy even if you breakup and leave her alone for the rest of your life.

When we meet another person and we mate, connect, have sex with them, we create a new family.
That’s why we have our family of origin and the family we make as adults.

You can’t have more than one, you have to abandon your previous family to make the new one.

That’s what she did when she cheated.

So it’s not a question of you breaking up your family.
She did that already, without asking you. She made a family with her affair partner and abandoned yours.

A shitty family, a fantasy family that’s not real and will never be perhaps. But the point is she abandoned your family for the rat (the one you and her formed).

You can’t be the bad guy and leave now, she already done it all.

Reframe it correctly:
Now is a question IF you want to accept to take her back.

And after what she did, she’s better ready to crawl over broken glass.

That’s the minimum requirement.

Stay strong

Thank you.

I'm taking these days here at my dad's to be away from her. Outside of exchanging a few messages about our cat and her care (thankfully our neighbors upstairs are able to feed her this weekend while I'm away on a "work trip") I'm not talking with her.

I'm trying to give myself the space I need to really think about the relationship. If my wife's that hurt, and that broken up about what she did, and how guilty she feels, I would hope that if I ask my questions I get honest answers to them. I can't be weak here. I have to stand up for myself and for my feelings. The more I write/talk to everyone here I've gotten a sense of having my own feet under me. I feel like I can do this. But if she truly wants to reconcile and earn my trust, she has to be willing to earn it. I was too accommodating at first, I was a mess of emotions...desperate, hurt, confused, sick...but now I think the initial shock's wearing off a bit and I'm seeing through this.

I can't let her turn this into her being a victim here. I can't let her turn the "I felt pressured to marry you" into the reason why she did this. There's no good reason to cheat, there's no good reason to lie to your partner and do what she did. Even if we weren't married, I'd have been there, her faithful and loving partner. Again, I won't discount her feelings, she of course is going to feel everything I am too. Depression, anger, stress...we all go through them. But I have to remain strong and know that if I don't get the answers I need to feel assured, safe and trusting then it's time to break things off for good and I'll go.

No trickle truths, blame shifting and gaslighting are normal from a cheater until they really realize and shift from shame to remorse you are not getting nor honesty nor empathy.

That’s why you need to put yourself first and heal yourself.

Forget about her and her pain, you come first, she is on her own, she must heal herself before you even consider any reconciliation.

Let me help you in calling out the bull and lies:

If she was so "pressured " and forced and so on… this would be a great chance to end things and get her own way (still going to be hell because she is a cheater and cheating had no excuses).

And she is telling that she is so hurt and in pain and depressed….

One or the other, can’t be both.
One has to be bullshit.

And considering the usual wayward blame shifting towards their abused partner, I bet the pressured thing is the bullshit here.

Well most or what is coming from her words will be, at least for a good while. so put yourself first and protect your boundaries.

You are the prize here.
She can try to win you back or keep swimming in the septic tank.

She can only make the choice, no one else can save her.

If she,liked the affair partner she will find a lot of rats just like him in the septic tank, that’s where this broken people chose to leave.

You like the majority of people are made from a different fabric, don’t go there, is smelly and disgusting.
She can get out and clean up if she wants to stay with you.

Is not hygienic to go there.
Speaking of which, check yourself for STD, they tend to bring that stuff often from the sewers, is really common to catch some nasty shit with this people (and since your wife joined the septic tank club, check yourself for your health)

If she really wanted this to all work out, wouldn't she/shouldn't she be the one begging?

Yes.

She has the energy and ability to focus on a vending event this weekend. So she’s not that bad off that she can use "stress and depression" as an excuse to not be doing something, anything to make amends.

FWIW I did nothing to help my H figure out what needed to be done to R. He was on his own. First I was very irate and angry at dday2. Second I had the mindset that he used his energy and brain power to cheat, so he can use that same brain to figure out how to R.

If your wife asks "what do you want me yo do?" I think you should look at her and tell her she needs to figure this out on her own. Then watch her actions. They will tell you everything.

If your wife asks "what do you want me yo do?" I think you should look at her and tell her she needs to figure this out on her own. Then watch her actions. They will tell you everything.

Absolutely 💯

Wife is wise.

(And I mean 1st wife)

Infidelity is self-destructive. We, the betrayed, are collateral damage. Whatever issues your WW has that lead her down Infidelity Lane are the very same issues that have been tripping her up for most of her life. These issues have been there long before you ever met her. For whatever reasons, she was - and probably still is - unwilling or unable to cope with those issues in a healthy way. In the simplest of terms, she broke. And when she broke, she betrayed herself (and by consequence, you).

It is hard... really fucking hard... to accept this simple truth. She will, most likely, resist it. She will do whatever she can to protect her ego, because that's what egos do. Lying, minimizing, blame-shifting, defensiveness, equivocating, deflecting... are all natural responses to avoid accepting some truly ugly truths about ourselves.

None of this justifies infidelity or the behavior so often exhibited by a WS in the aftermath of discovery. I'm sharing this only to give you a little perspective before the two of you have the incredibly difficult discussions you'll have in the coming weeks, months or even years (if that's the case).

I'm not suggesting that you "should" feel any empathy for her. The betrayal of infidelity is one of the worst things one can possibly do to another. It causes profound shock and severe emotional and psychological trauma. And while your WW may certainly have been unaware of the severity of the consequences - or chose to ignore or compartmentalize them - she still made deliberate and conscious decisions.

Her choice to have an affair is 100% on her and her alone.

Now, here's the good news. Some WS can and will go the distance. Some are truly willing and able to own and fix their shit. I've "seen" it happen here. Hopefully your WW will be able.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 5:01 PM, Saturday, June 6th]

Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 9:07 AM on Saturday, June 6th, 2026

Now, here's the good news. Some WS can and will go the distance. Some are truly willing and able to own and fix their shit. I've "seen" it happen here. Hopefully your WW will be able.

I think my wife is one of these. I say "I think" because we're just a little over a year out from D-Day. So it's still somewhat early days for us, but she's spent that last year doing everything and anything she can to demonstrate that she's willing to do everything and anything she can to salvage our relationship.

It didn't start out like that though. She spent about a month being pretty heartless and indulged in quite a bit of blame shifting until she turned the corner.

She wanted to maintain a "just friends" relationship with her AP. That was just too much. It was something I was unwilling and unable to tolerate. It took me contacting divorce lawyers and real estate agents right in front of her for her to realize I wasn't going to stand for it. I meant it. I really thought it was over for us.

That was the turning point in my case. She broke down and begged me not to go through with it. She sent a no contact message, cut all contact with him, blocked him on everything, and put in for a location transfer at work. She's been rock solid and laser focused on our relationship ever since. Like I said, that was just over a year ago. I think we're going to make it.

I share this with you for two reasons. One, people can and do recover from this type of thing. Two, sometimes you have to be willing to let go of the relationship to save the relationship. That may or may not be the case with you, but just offering you an example of how things could possibly go and what usually works if it does go that way.

When I first discovered what was going on I was so shocked and lost and all I could think of was saving my marriage. I did the pick me dance for a few weeks and it got me nowhere. I have since learned that playing that game almost never works. I wish I'd have known that early on, but I didn't even know about this forum until a few weeks after my d-day.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:26 PM, Saturday, June 6th]

Thank you everyone who's written in the last 24 hours. I finished up my work day and spent some quality time with my dad. I'm still here at his place and will be staying through sunday night I think.

I wonder if my staying here has sent a message to her, shown her that my needing space to think and clear my head means I'm weighing out my options. I know she's said "I need to mentally prepare myself to talk with you about all this" and I wonder if that means she's preparing herself for the hard questions and hard truths.

I can't tolerate trickle truths. I know what I am as a person. I'm fairly resilient, but after all this I can't keep ripping off another band every once in a while when she shares another detail. I'm going to either get the information and answers I need, or I won't. It will be painful, everyone here has said so but I need to get to heart of all of this and try and understand her decision, the details I'm comfortable with knowing, and her feelings.

If she can do that, and consider over-communicating to me so I can feel safe, I'll stay. But if she tries to turn herself into a victim, tries to turn this back on me I can tell you all that I won't accept that. I've gotten to a point in the last 36 hours that I know that as much as it would absolutely SUCK to walk away from 10 years with her, I would have to do it. I can't sacrifice my health, my well-being, my dignity to reason with someone who can't take care of themself. I can't fix her, she has to want to work on her issues on her own.

Congrats!! At least you have gotten to a place where you are putting yourself first.

That is exactly where you should be.

Because if not, and the cheater thinks they can control the situation, they will avoid any and all consequences, discussions, etc.

And based on my experience where my H’s first 4 yr EA was denied by him (I knew it was going on) and completely rugswept (by me), I am convinced it made it easier for him to cheat the second time.

And at dday2 of affair 2 he STILL thought he was going to control everything and thought I was dumb enough to allow him to sweep it under the rug.

He saw a side of me I know he regrets having awakened. But as I’ve stated in previous posts, I had to start putting myself first.

And IMO that is the only way reconciliation works.

Best of luck to you on Monday.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:45 PM, Saturday, June 6th]

Monday's so far away but so close. I'm scared, but I think I'll be prepared.

Thank you.

A few words of advice;

Remain calm. At all times. If she gets upset and starts the fight, don’t engage.

Be prepared to walk away. Again if she starts the fight, doesn’t mean you must engage. You can choose to ignore the fight or hurtful words and just leave.

Don’t be baited into defending yourself. If she takes the approach that SHE was the victim too (because of things in the past) your only response should be something along the lines of: "I’m sorry that happened and I admit I was wrong. But it’s not a reason for you to cheat on me."