SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Pogre —

Am I going overboard? It's been a year, exactly a year, and this is all hitting me like it was last week. Am I being "normal," or am I being unreasonable? Am I putting too much into dates on a calendar, or is this what most of us go through for the first antiversary?

Unfortunately — you are 100 percent normal at this point.

Your brain is in full on protection mode, because you’re still processing it all.

I think I mentioned it in another post, end of year one sucks. Twelve months in is enough to evoke all the pain, anger and sadness, yet, also enough time to understand you have more work ahead. Knowing you have more healing to do can be daunting, because it gets harder to imagine better days ahead.

I think I looked forward to the numb part of the healing, the plains of lethal flatness, as I was simply exhausted and didn’t want to feel anything.

My wife’s four year A went from EA to PA exactly two weeks after our wedding anniversary, so the dates in my brain were etched in stone. I have to say, there are a couple triggers now and again about the timing of it, but I have completely forgotten about so many other calendar reminders. It does fade, or certainly did for me.

That aside, I don’t think I felt ‘good’ about things across the board until the start of year three.

You start building new days and new memories to focus on as you heal, but man, it takes too long!

Sisoon, Bigger, and Oldwounds - thank you all so much for your input. It really means alot to get this helpful feedback.

Like I said, I put her through the wringer yesterday. She cried. Hard and a lot. I had tears and snots all over my shirt sleeve at the end of it all. I felt bad, and not bad at the same time.

I'm not trying to just make her cry or hurt her just for the sake of hurting her. At least I don't think I am. It bothered me to see her so upset, but at the same time... well, you know. I've been hurting like never before for the last year. She caused this. I'm not too terribly broken up that she got as upset as she did yesterday, but putting her in tears wasn't really my goal. My goal is for her to really understand the depth of the pain I'm in. The torture of the memories, both real and imagined, that keep rattling around in my head still a full year later.

It gives me a sense of relief to see I'm likely not going overboard or struggling more than I should be at this point. Staying is hard. Reconciling is hard. I get it now. I can't stress to others enough, especially those brand new to it, just how devastating infidelity is. I think almost everyone underestimates it. I know I sure did until it was thrust into my lap.

How dare you buy an Aiwa stereo system!
I swear there are just some things that need to be bannable offenses…

OhItsYou wrote:

How dare you buy an Aiwa stereo system!
I swear there are just some things that need to be bannable offenses…

Speaking as an audiophile I think I agree with this statement, but since it's Bigger I think he can get away with a slap on the wrist along with a promise of buying a better system with at least 2 subwoofers and an eq for them for proper low end support...

It is crucial that you and your wife are going through the pain (of both) openly.

Two factors:

People develop and deepen their connection through adversity. The mere fact that you are both suffering through this, her for the pain she sees she caused and you for being betrayed, bonds you.

Second and probably most important:
Talking openly about the betrayal, even its most sordid aspects while excruciating for the Bs and in a minor part for the WS,has a killing blow effect on the affair.

Because it breaks the intimacy between your wife and the other man. It was their thing, their intimate time, you were cast out.
Revelation rips its furs out. Kills that intimacy as the betrayal killed yours when it happened.

Yes it is disgusting, yes it is repulsive, yes it is a torture for you and shameful for her.
But exposed shit stops smelling, begin decomposing, it dies.
The moment the wayward comes completely clean, there is no more "our thing" is no longer intimate or cute in any way. Is naked, in the open light, where you both can see it’s twisted deformity and the disgust that you feel will be felt by her and likely shared since she is healing.

It doesn’t resurrect your relationship that was before, that is dead. But it kill the cheating relationship that murdered it. And that also dies, fantasy and imaginary romance replaced by a brutal truth.

It was he lowest meddling in a can of worms.

If you ever done something you aren’t proud of, this is a magnitude greater.

Once both relationships and their intimacy are dead, you are even. Not exactly a blank slate, but you leveled the Plainfield. Not just the ruins of your story, but now the ruins of the affair lie next to it.

Probably there something new can be rebuilt.
A new intimacy that may spawn something else along the way.

You are not verbalizing this, but your emotions told me this story.