SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We did have that discussion Torso. I have explained it. Coco was just supporting me, she didn’t make any statements about what you could talk about. Can we please move on now?

Has your CW cheated or not?

I don’t know if he will come back and answer or not, but no she hasn’t. I believe what happened at the time is the fellow writer was being flirty in a follow up email after his wife was attending a seminar and he felt his wife was being naive so he asked her to cut contact and she did.

Personally, I can understand because those rewriting retreats are intense and she is being honored. I can see how she might want to go and fully soak it in. I am not stating she is not cheating but I could also see how this being a unilateral decision she is making without any discussion would feel triggering for him.

I could think of many other scenarios as to why she doesn’t want to have a big discussion on it. And while I agree it’s insensitive, he says their marriage has been great so I don’t think she is likely routinely insensitive or overly selfish because most people married to someone like that wouldn’t describe it that way.

He has not asked her if she is cheating, he has only asked her why he can’t go. I could think of scenarios in which that isn’t connecting for her because from her standpoint she has been faithful. She never agreed with him that she was on a slippery slope with the other writer. We know that’s what people who are having an emotional affair would say but it’s also something someone who wasn’t leaning in that direction would say. Hard to really know.

Edited to add: here is where he mentioned it earlier in the thread, but the other details I wrote about her being naive I simply remember from

Past discussions:

A few years ago (or so) she was emailing with a guy who writes. He gives seminars and she went to one. A few days later he sends a personal email and compliments her- something like she "brightened up the seminar". She replies and gushes over his writing and then he calls her his "little verb" (wife is 5’0, 100 lbs and very fit). That did it for me. I put an end to the emails. She got mad and felt there was nothing to it, but I wasn’t going to let it go any farther.

I have sort of wondered if he is going to be there and she wants to avoid anything awkward. I wondered if that was what BP guy was hinting at -that someone is going to be here he wouldn’t be happy about.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:51 PM, Thursday, February 12th]

Thanks, HO.

I agree that the unilateral decision is not ok. Since the situation is upsetting, for whatever reason, it should be discussed.

I also agree that those emails were inappropriate. I would recognize that immediately and shut it down. It is concerning that she didn't and instead got angry when BP did. It's also concerning if she's worried about awkwardness from that other writer being there. Why care if it's awkward? If that guy was trying to get something going with her, he should feel awkward. What he did was not OK and he should feel uncomfortable about it.

Torso, I didn't say anything about what anyone could or could not say. Maybe because I know HO, or maybe because I'm so far out from dday, I didn't get the same feeling about HOs post. I wanted to give a different pov based on my experience on this site for many years. Do with it what you will.

If my wife was being honored for something and didn't want me there that would be a red flag. Now, if she was being recognized as employee of the year, at work, during work hours and it was just for employees, that I could understand.

But since she has not provided any sort of explanation and she has a history of what I would consider an EA with another writer I would assume she doesn't want her husband there because she is planning something with another guy

Even if the EA writer is going to be there she should explain this to her husband and let him make the decision as to whether or not he goes and if she goes. This might appear controlling but once you have an affair the rules change

Imagine the fallout if he finds out down the road that the reason she didn't want him there is because the EA writer would be there and her explanation is "I didn't want to make it awkward for you honey". Whether or not this is true I would assume she is lying. You do not get to make that decision for me

[This message edited by WB1340 at 8:58 PM, Thursday, February 12th]

In an adult mature marriage with mutual respect, there would be a logical explanation.

In this case, absent a discussion, you are left to wonder what is really going on.

Once deception creeps in, all bets are off as to whether you get the truth or not.

It’s a shame it has to be this way. The OP certainly deserves better.

I didn’t think bpguy was wrong for shutting it down. The idea she was a bs who married another bs, you would think she understands his anxiety.

I could imagine (and I don’t say any of this is true other than BP guy is a good man part ) that when they got married she felt she understood his sensitivities, and had some of her own.

However she married a very very good man. One that she has come to trust, he has great values, no one hates cheating more, he is engaged with his marriage, and I bet he is a good provider and protector. And he hasn’t grown trust in the same way because she does things like not shut her teacher down, and sees nothing wrong with it. From her standpoint she thinks has been as faithful and loyal as him. Maybe she had hopes that he would have grown to trust her more.

I do understand why she doesn’t want him there IF it’s not for cheating or hiding the fact she is being around someone she is supposed to be no contact with. I have been to these many times. My husband isn’t a creative, and it’s like you are trying to focus but you know he has to be miserable. And so knowing that, it dampens things. And then I usually compensate by giving him more time but then I feel like I missed part of what I wanted to do here. Being honored means that this is center stage time for networking. I could see how for some people that part would be very draining, and I don’t want to come back to the room and then not be able to decompress because I would feel guilty after leaving him alone all day and then not being engaging with him.

However, why not say that? So in other words, my two scenarios of these more innocent issues does not play. Unless she just doesn’t want to be talked out of her decisions.

My bet is on the NC guy is going to be there. I am not saying she is hiding it because she wants to cheat with him, though that could be a reason. It’s because she wants to go and not have BPguy see him and get upset. Which no matter which it is is a form of betrayal.

My biggest advice is to work this out before she goes because if not that’s going to be the longest most miserable weeks. If it were me, I would tell her that, and that without her explaining all this in a way I could understand, that she is setting me up for a traumatizing week because it feels like she is hiding something. Then I would listen very closely to what she has to say about that.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:37 PM, Thursday, February 12th]

I would not be supportive of my fWH going away for a week without me if he told me he didn’t want me there.

That would trigger a response in my brain screaming "WHY NOT!?!?!?!"

And if he resisted my attending with him, I would likely shut down and then do a 180. He would get no further input from me.

While he was gone, I would refuse calls and communications. When he came back I would be gone.

Because if he doesn’t want me with him, then I won’t be with him.

I don't want to take the post further off topic and make it to be unhelpful to the original poster.

hikingout,

I certainly don't have a problem with you personally. I do often find your posts interesting and thought provoking. I left the conversation for a while because I only have the mental energy to deal with each topic in a limited fashion and need to think on my own about all of it.

I was curious about your response and whether you thought thatbpguy was genuinely reacting in an inappropriate manner to the situation. It seems you do, no? If we could just stick to what you think about his situation and the post, I think that would be best.

end.

I haven't fully gone through all the responses and processed everything. My initial reaction is that bpguy did say his wife had an EA. That's what HE thought of it, not flirty texts. When he talked to her about that, she didn't appreciate how seriously he felt about it according to his post.

Maybe bpguy is reacting too strongly about how his wife is behaving now. I certainly don't know his full history. Maybe I have been through a similar situation with my infidelity and feel a strong response is best. Others were expressing a similar thought. I would likely react strongly to the situation, particularly if I found that my husband was lying to me about what's going on with the trip. If he can't be honest now, for whatever reason, I'm going to react strongly. But this is bpguy's wife and not my husband. I can only speak for me. Maybe that is unhealthy. I really need to think about it more and come back later.