SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey friends -

Thanks for the support and input.

G5 is away for work for a few days, so I have a break during the week, currently. I honestly can’t decide if that makes it better or worse because there is that delay in being able to resolve things. OTOH, it’s giving me time to reflect and be thoughtful about how I’m going to bring up certain topics that I’m feeling really angry or otherwise emotional about in a constructive manner.

This thread is definitely the anti-FB reel of our relationship, meaning I’m here bitching about all the bad and not sharing the good. There is actually a lot of good about our relationship and G5, but these particular topics (family relationships/forgoceness) and the recent "breakup" have really done some damage that needs to be addressed by a bigger conversation than a few minutes before he leaves for work saying he’s sorry and I’m the one for him.

I do try to be cognizant of the sunk cost fallacy. G5 has a degree in finance, so I’ve heard about it! lol I think he is also very aware and invested in not staying together at all costs if it isn’t working.

IDK.

I have some issues to bring up, clearly.

I’ll keep you posted. I really appreciate everyone’s honest feedback. I want to be accountable for things I need to improve upon as well.
Breathing deeply.

I will be ok no matter what.

Non- ipdate -

Yesterday we were talking on the phone and somehow it came up that I needed to talk to him about some things. I told him I’ve been struggling since our argument, but that I really don’t want to talk about over the phone because important conversations should be face to face. His first comment was,"Why, so you can tell me to leave?".

I’m really starting to feel like he’s projecting his own wishes on me, but he can’t bring himself to do it. Idk.

Anyway I said no, I’m not planning to ask him to leave. Things were weird between us today. He will be home tomorrow.

I decided I’m going to open the conversation by telling him how depressed I’ve been since that day and that I’m nearing the point of needing to do something about it (therapy, meds…SOMETHING).

I don’t know if tomorrow will be the time to bring up any of the items that have been bothering me. I feel like my thoughts have been all over the place.

Anyway - please send good vibes my way.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Just seeing this. He certainly didn't react with anything like empathy when you tried to share your feelings, did he. He was more about defending himself from anything he doesn't want to hear.

That’s a really good point, Superesse…

Finally caught up on the latest! How's your weekend going, nekorb?

Hope you're able to get some answers. Even if they aren't the ones you want to hear. Limbo is hard. ((nekorb))

Hey everyone!

Well, it was a rough start but is improving.

Cliff notes version:
1. I told him how I was feeling depressed, etc., which led to him feeling guilty, angry, "Well what about the time you..", and so on.
2. There was a lot of tension and crying (me - that’s just how I am!)
3. He ultimately agreed to go to couples counseling (I did not persuade or beg, just said I thought we needed it)
4. In the spirit of compromise I suggested we do our own research and give it a shot on our own first - he agreed (he is not a "believer" in counseling)
5. He was first to send an article on conflict resolution/steps to take, etc.
6. We both have apologized for invalidating feelings
7. Before he left for work today (he will be gone a few days) he came to me and said "Let’s end things on a good note" and proceeded to cite something I do for him that he finds so extremely thoughtful and nice and expressed that he really appreciates it. States that he wants to be here, he does not want to leave, values me, and so on.
8. I also provided positive feedback about something he does for me

I think it went as well as could be expected. I don’t think anyone (myself included) enjoys hearing criticism or things they need to improve about themselves, and we both need to work on delivery.

Overall, positive interaction.

Growth HURTS!!

You're right on so many levels. Hang in there, nekorb. We got your back.

Just read this thread and the original post is WILD to me. I'm providing a different viewpoint, months later and a question for my edification even though the original issue has probably been long resolved because I just can't help myself. I haven't been on this site in several years but I remember nekorb's posts and the beginnings of G5 very well. Glad to see the relationship is still going strong even though there are ups and downs.

Coming back to the son-in-law, is this an acceptable American thing? Saying feck you to a FIL-like person? I understand casual relationships that are friendly and informal but my god. I think G5 behaved with unusual restraint in saying it wasn't personal following that remark. In my view, son-in-law was unpleasantly surprised and taken aback and gave a toddler level reaction by lashing out. Was G5 rude? If not, what was the reason for such a strong response? Is it common in your family to say "feck you" to each other? If so, perhaps it makes sense even though I still feel as if I've wandered into a twilight zone. These are genuine questions as I try to understand because my jaw dropped open in surprise, mostly at the lack of reaction from nekorb and everyone else in this thread.

To be clear, I'm not generally defending G5 here; threatening to leave is clearly emotional manipulation along with all the other problematic behaviour but I find myself firmly on his side only on that singular topic.

Hi everyone -

Good to see you again UB!

To answer your question in short, no it’s not normal.
That said it’s really hard to explain how the whole thing played out.

I’m going to try to give an unrelated made up example:

Everyone is preparing to leave.
SIL goes to shake G5’s hand.
G5 loudly and odiferously passes gas causing SIL to step back and give a questioning look.
G5 apologizes and says he didn’t mean to do that, his belly has just been really bloated.
SIL chuckles and says he wondered when we started communicating with each other that way and leave the house.

My interpretation of SIL’s response was he felt like G5 pulling back from the handshake was a feck you and when G5 apologized that it came off that way SIL chuckled and said yeah well feck you too - he was laughing, and that was it.

To your point, G5 commented that he’s never heard anyone in our family speak to each other that way. Now that I’m thinking about it, I wish I would have said that no one in our family also doesn’t hug each other or refuses to shake hands, but you expect my family to accept that behavior from you and not feel any sort of way about it.

You know, like when someone does something that seems really off the wall and you’re like when did we start doing THAT? They say oh no, no, no and then you respond with what your response would have been to that perceived situation.

My lord did that make sense at all??

I should couple this with my observation that G5 has conflict with more people than anyone else I’ve ever met in my entire life. He got into a shouting match with a woman at our local casino over who was going to sit in this certain spot - the dealer intervened, other people at the table were trying to diffuse it, etc. So I guess when I see him getting into conflict with people that generally seems out of proportion to the situation everything comes in through that filter, including the incident with SIL. It’s definitely something I will be bringing up. (High conflict)

My issue isn’t that I think he shouldn’t be upset, it’s that his chosen method of handling it (silent treatment) is unhealthy and in and of itself emotionally abusive. When I found out he was upset (months later) I was ready and willing to get on the phone and say something and work toward restoring peace. He did not want me to do that and instead has just held the emotions of everyone else that cares about the situation hostage over it.

This is a problem for me.

Something else that has been bothering me (and the list is getting longer as I start to unpack all of this), is that I don’t like that he was willing to take the gamble of breaking up with me, assuming that I would take him back. Maybe I’m reaching on that one just because I’m pissed off.

I got the five love languages from the library. They are holding it and I’ll pick up tomorrow.

To his credit he has been willing to do anything that I have asked so far. This week we took the apology languages quiz online and shared our results with each other.

Something I’m concerned about in the big picture is I’m afraid our core values surrounding family may be really out of alignment. I thought it was a matter of him not feeling comfortable with them and I thought it was getting better, but I’m back to feeling like I’m begging him to participate in family things that I would be bending over backwards to accommodate for any of our kids.

There’s also a lack of empathy for certain situations, but I think that may be a learning point or self awareness - aka I don’t think he realizes he comes off the way he does.

Whew. I hope this isn’t a jumbled mess. It feels jumbled in my head.

Thanks for listening and I appreciate everyone’s feedback!

Hi Nekorb! I've followed your updates, and as you further describe the dynamics with your SO, I'm wondering: is there a possibility he is somewhere on the autism spectrum? Have you guys ever done personality testing? Myers Briggs types? Testing for 'aspergers' (which is now blended in with autism spectrum)?

The lack of instinctive empathy is a tough one to deal with.

[This message edited by Superesse at 3:25 AM, Friday, March 28th]

Superesse -

So weird that you brought that up as that thought has recently been wandering through my mind re:some spectrum somewhere. But, I also wonder if he just doesn’t realize how he’s perceived when he says this or that. I’ve seriously started evaluating his behaviors against Sheldon from Big Bang to see if I would be surprised to hear xyz come out of Sheldon’s mouth.

For instance, my daughter is pregnant with her rainbow baby. ❤️❤️❤️ When she told him (She was with me, we called him), he said, "Good for you.". I’m sorry, what? It’s like he was unable to feel that joy and relief for her. Or something. Does that make sense?

Have not done Myers-Briggs. Maybe I will weave that into our activities this weekend.

Thanks to everyone for keeping up with these NOVELS I’m posting!!

So, I may have lost my shit a little bit today. I told G5 I thought we were going to make better progress if we see a counselor. I explained that I feel like I’m acting as a participant and the therapist, and that role is way outside my lane. I also cited it’s impossible for me not to be biased to my own opinions although I try to be really self aware and reflective.

He agreed to go.

I’m delighted and flabbergasted all at the same time. I cited feeling anxious about this because he has forever stated he is who is and isn’t going to change. He again stated a willingness to go.

I also addressed the topic of my ex. The short version is, he’s going to relax about it and not get worked up if the ex should talk to me, talk to him, etc. I reiterated the ex is not a threat to him and explained that G5’s nuclear response to him makes me feel as though the ex still has power over me and is affecting my life. I also explained how difficult navigating my parents divorce and their disdain for each other was for me, and that I don’t want that for my kids. Clarified I do not now nor will I ever expect him to be friends, buddies, hang out with the ex, etc.

I got some things off my chest regarding the kids and his perceptions that literally everything they think or do is somehow about him, about them not liking him, etc, and was able to provide an example of how his son interacts with me in a similar way and I don’t think twice about it and certainly don’t perceive that he doesn’t like me.

THEN, my middle daughter came over. He hung out with us for awhile, went to the gym, and came back and he and I hung out together and relaxed. We had a little more conversation, and took time outs without things getting heated.

I mean, this man is putting in effort. I don’t even know how to act! lol

I’m feeling really encouraged.