SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you, everyone, so much for the time put into reading my story and providing thoughtful, helpful input. I read each and every one of them; a lot to think about.

I will follow up with answer to questions and my thoughts as soon as possible.

This community is really amazing; someday, once this is all in my past and I'm wiser for it - I will pay it forward for sure, with the experience gained.

"It meant nothing" "That guy means nothing"

OP if you two reconcile, if you find a FWB...

Your wife going to be so easy going about you getting laid? I mean if you tell her it means nothing...

I feel like this isn't a "mistake," because she was reaffirming the desire to work on the relationship, that she promised not to do anything etc prior to the event; this was preplanned, not a random drunken accident.

When you sit down and really think about it, it could not have been a 'mistake', as the planning required for a rendezvous is a long decision tree of Yes/No branches.

It is not a simple, 'Let's fuck'; Yes/No. That would have been at the tail end of the decision process if it were an unintended rendezvous, unless it was an intended betrayal, where that decision would have been made at the head of the process, and all decisions will be made to attain that end goal.

Logistical plans of time, travel, accommodation, alibis, etc., will come first, and it is quite a long process with a heck of a lot of decisions to be made along the way. This is made even longer when it requires travel to another country.

At each Yes/No juncture, your WS could have picked the 'No' pathway, but she did not. She had picked the pathway that would lead her to be able to fulfill her romantic notion of being 'plowed' by a 19yr old player.

BTW, am not clear on how you managed to get a recording of her during session with her toy boy. Could you clarify how you managed to hear her 'live and in session'?

Wanted to add, she sounds fairly delusional to be making some of the statements she has made and what the potential outcomes are.

If you go hard on D and NC, plan for her to go scorched earth on you. Make sure to protect yourself with a VAR when in alone.

No kids, RUN and don't look back !!! Don't forget to get tested for STDs, this may not be her first rodeo and you were suspicious before this A.

BTW what type of VAR did you use that went unnoticed and where/how did you place it in her suitcase/bag/purse/jacket without her noticing it ? Did you have to make her listen to the recording before she admitted it ? and if so what was her reaction/demeanor ?

Strength, it is something very difficult to deal with but fortunately you found this website and its members, you are not alone, SI is here for you. Also, it is a sad but good thing that you know the truth, it makes things somewhat less complicated.

I can say many things about your cheating wife and the relationship dynamics, but...the only important thing to talk about is YOU.

The trick to keep your head above water is to shift your focus to YOU and only YOU. In the Healing Library on this website this strategy is entitled the 180 (see Healing Library). Go and do it!

Currently, the narrative in your head is about HER and about HER AND YOU and YOU AND HER, but the more you focus your energy and attention to YOU and only YOU the better you will do!

YOU are the most important person in YOUR LIFE, and before you ever met your wife you were (also) happy in life, thus know this: Your wife is not critical to your life happiness!

Be your own best friend again, she cheated and that is tough but...now you are free to live your life again the way you want it to be! Thus, make an effort to be good to yourself and be your own best friend (e.g., make yourself a good dinner, buy that motorcycle that you always wanted to have, etc., without needing the consent or approval of your wife, be free, congratulations you are FREE again!).

There are many unhappy men stuck in toxic relationships, unfortunately you are one of those men, the very first step out of the whole mess for you is to go and focus on YOU and only YOU and to re-find your strength and to be your own best friend. And when she and her drama comes your way, then avoid and act like a submarine; DIVE, DIVE, DIVE!

Later, you may decide to Divorce or to Reconcile, but first focus on YOU and only YOU, 180 to the maximum, it is a good thing to do for you and your health.

Strength & 180 brother!

<Double Post>

[This message edited by babypuke at 6:19 AM, June 16th (Wednesday)]

At the end of your entry, you state that this is not the first time you suspected she cheated, but the first time you caught her. I would think that this was not her first affair nor will it be her last if you are foolish enough to stay with her. Move on and save yourself future endless heartache.

I would have never considered R if we didnt have kids. Even then, an affair turns your marriage into a shit show that takes forever to see over, at least for me. The way married people treat each other and society in general has me almost convinced that a bottle of astroglide and the internet is a better alternative.

Life is hard, and in the case of your wife, its wayyyy harder when you're stupid. Remove the cancer now before it drags you under any more than it has.

[This message edited by Clint at 6:37 AM, June 17th (Thursday)]

[This message edited by Clint at 12:37 PM, Thursday, June 17th]

Not only can you do better than her, you will do better than her and you'll be a happier person for it.

You are right that it wasn't a mistake. She threw you under the bus and she knew you'd take it. Prove her wrong.

highvoltage, any updates?

[This message edited by Thumos at 2:43 PM, June 17th (Thursday)]

Highvoltage, if you don’t mind, I wanted to ask a practical question.

. I used a voice recorder and as soon as she arrived in the hotel, she had that guy come up and they had sex for hours, he spent the night

.

How did you manage to record them at a hotel in another country? How did you place the recorder and control it afterward?

I used a voice recorder and as soon as she arrived in the hotel, she had that guy come up and they had sex for hours, he spent the night.

How did you manage to record them at a hotel in another country? How did you place the recorder and control it afterward?

I had to do this a few times.

First option was to hack into a phone and use an app.

I also did a lower tech option that worked more reliably. I bought a VAR that looked like a generic thumb drive. It had no control buttons and had good battery life. As with many women, she had a purse full of junk. I just buried it near the bottom and she was none the wiser. Audio was a little muffled but sufficient for my purposes. It even worked in a crowded bar when out with the girls.

[This message edited by recovering2018 at 6:10 PM, June 17th (Thursday)]

highvoltage, so sorry but what could be the positive of staying married to her?

First option was to hack into a phone and use an app.

Which one? Could you hit record remotely?

I also did a lower tech option that worked more reliably. I bought a VAR that looked like a generic thumb drive. It had no control buttons and had good battery life. As with many women, she had a purse full of junk. I just buried it near the bottom and she was none the wiser. Audio was a little muffled but sufficient for my purposes. It even worked in a crowded bar when out with the girls.

That's genius, there.

Which one? Could you hit record remotely?

The phone was Android. App was called Trackview. You could get realtime gps, record audio, record video. Yes you controlled it fully remotely. Just needed to set permissions and disable notifications after you install it on the phone. Did NOT have to root the phone. Ran into occasional issues with the phone being off or there was weak signal, hence the thumbdrive VAR.

As far as the VAR, they don't sell the exact one on Amazon any more, but you want to buy the most basic looking one so it looks only like a cheap thumb drive. They also sell pens, keychains, etc. Just need to find something that won't stand out.

[This message edited by recovering2018 at 2:39 AM, June 19th (Saturday)]

Still there?

Your wife likes the attention, the sex, having a BF

But she also knows a 19 yo can not afford to give her a life she wants. He can not pay the bills.

She wants your money to keep her life style,

She does not want to be the mother, maid, living in a dump with her lover.

Bump!