SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can agree with the unmet needs - I had unmet needs, therefore he had unmet needs, and round and around. I have always taken responsibility for the reasons why our marriage failed but I will not take responsibility for his A. That was his choice and it had devastating effects on our family. I learned lessons though and if I am not meeting someone's needs, I want to understand that and seek help together or individually so as not to get to that point in another marriage. I now have lasting effects on my self-esteem from the A and triggers that I work on daily.

It doesn’t matter-

You were both in the same marriage and you didn’t cheat!! A marriage is 50/50 but the second one person engages in bad behavior it is 100% on them.

I apologize if this has been said already - I didn’t read the whole thread.

I for one can say that I was pretty much blindsided by the affair reason. Empty nest, getting older and afraid of losing her looks, WTF am i supposed to do about that? I told her how great she looked all the time. I guess it means more from an electrician 20 years younger.

The one thing I did do, which was do that fucking renovation which was a project designed to give her something of purpose, backfired in our faces.

I take no responsibility for her affair, or with any problems she thinks she might have had with our marriage.

It's hard not to get mad about accepting some of the blame for my WW's affairs. But in my case I think it's true.

BUT... I don't think it's true the vast amount of time. I think a lot of affairs are just opportunity. People fall into them because they don't realize the warning signs that a friendship is turning into something else. Or other times, I guess more with men, they just want a little extra on the side and they are completely satisfied with their marriage. So yeah, that's BS that people tell you you HAVE to have some of the blame. Check out the book, NOT just friends.

You were both in the same marriage, abiding by the same commitments.

It is not your fault, and it is bull for anyone to say you need to share the blame.

I don’t enjoy being lumped into my WH’s ‘why he cheated’ and as an adult, I refuse to take responsibility for another persons choices.

One sure thing I’ve taken from this garbage experience is that I can’t make anyone do anything.

However, if any behaviours of mine made him made the choices he did, it was the following:

I refused to be a complacent woman who catered to his every want. Each and every time he tried to box me into the role he expected of me, I bucked. Each and every time he expected me to roll over and take his mothers abuse, I bucked. Each and every time he expected me to take his emotional and verbal abuse, I bucked.

In summary, I maintained the individuality he tried to hard to squash. I was (am) too much woman for him. 😁

So he choose to date someone who played that pathetic role.

Look what that got him.

So disappointing to discover that the person you married is a lazy coward. Knowing he would prefer to avoid the hard work of an examinded life and choose easy for him and painful for his family. It’s forced me to re-examine aspects which I thought were fine. His choices made work for me as well.

BS here in 2 relationships. WH #1 wouldn’t communicate and never helped out. Very selfish and enjoyed high risk situations.

Never took responsibility until after divorce was final. He chose to cheat instead of work on the marriage.

2nd WH involved in a 20 plus year A with married whore before me. Failed to stop A. Made poor choices instead of dedicating himself to the relationship he had pursued with me.

They make shitty choices. Childish choices. He could of choice to work on your marriage and communicated his unmet needs. Affairs never help a marriage. Not facing them does not fix them.

I couldn’t cheat if I had the opportunity. It comes down to integrity and personality issues.

Thank you for addressing this topic. I too have struggled with this very same issue. I had the same lousy marriage that he had and never thought that an affair was the cure for it. He keeps wanting to bring that reason up for his affair but every time he does, I reply "and I felt the same way but did not have an affair." That usually quiets him but for some reason, any time we begin to discuss the affair - he falls back on that as his excuse. It is pathetic.

I do take responsibility for the lousy marriage but cannot take responsibility for his affair. He needs to take responsibility for both.

As for the 'unmet sex needs' - yes, mine were unmet too. I still did not go looking for someone else.

So thank you all for your insight. I am happy to find vindication here. Brokenheart38

[This message edited by BrokenHeart38 at 4:41 PM, July 28th (Saturday)]