SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

mouthkeptshut, I agree, hard to see which way is better.

Whichever wife i tell first, they will then tell the AP before i get to tell the remaining wife.

It's Hard.

I feel like she's using you, to be completely honest. You have a good job, are a participating father, a best friend to her and you help her pass nursing school and now her masters? Why would she want to leave? She's got the best life in the U.K.! Im sorry she is taking advantage of you. I'd contact the mans wife and you all meet them at their intended spot.

Hypothetically,

If I tell my wife, and she agrees to NC, but i still see messages on the old phone, do I then confront her on that too and show evidence (but then she will then know and try something else).

I really want to get this to work (time is irrelevant, I am in this for the long haul if needs be).

Obviously you two work different shifts. Fact is you can figure out a time to tell your wife with relative ease. You'll know when she's home, or at work, or preoccupied with the kids. You won't have that kind of knowledge about OM's wife...unless you happen to know when she usually gets home or is off from work and her H isn't home...

That said, it would be tricky to find the time to reliably tell her and then give yourself enough time to confront your wife. She may call her husband immediately after you tell her or something.

I'd say, even if you find continued messages, don't tell her how you know. OM's wife found it and told you for all she knows.

[This message edited by mouthkeptshut at 8:44 PM, April 4th (Tuesday)]

I do know his shifts...haha.

We used to drink together a long time ago, and his working week starts a day before me and ends a day before me.

I don't know if she works (but looking at message from today when he said that she is just coming home from work, looks like she does not work during the day and looks after the baby, and he looks after baby when he is home from shift so she can go out to work in evening)/

mouthkeptshut

"That said, it would be tricky to find the time to reliably tell her and then give yourself enough time to confront your wife. She may call her husband immediately after you tell her or something."

I agree, even though we live in a fairly small town, our houses are only a few streets apart, that is still an age away after confronting OBS.....

Assume you tell OBS before telling your wife. OBS blows up on the OM and he has enough time to warn your wife before you can then confront her.

What is the best possible lie she can use to cover her tracks? What could she possibly say that would convince you that she hasn't been cheating on you?

This might sound harsh, but it's somewhat irrelevant at this point that you want your relationship to work, and that you're in it for the long haul. Put that thinking aside for now. You need to focus on the present. Your WW is and has been blatantly disrespecting you. Your focus right now is to get out of infidelity, and command respect in the process.

Whether your marriage is salvageable will become evident at a later date, not now.

Yep, future will come if it will.

Another worry of mine is that my eldest is going to be taking his GCSEs in May and June (UK high school qualifications). He is an A* student, and I really do not want to jeopardise his work and future successes.

Agreed with Phantasmagoria. Hard to hear but now is not the time to be trying to figure out how to make your relationship work. That thinking will soften you during confrontation -- it certainly didn't help me. Best to stop the wound from bleeding and making sure you don't have to amputate before worrying about treatment.

Kids are resilient. Mine were in a similar position exam wise, and actually sailed through with no issues.

What is actually more important is the example you set for your son in how you handle this situation going forward. However your situation plays out long term, being the stable, dependable, decisive, parent of integrity is what you want to be thinking about when it comes to your son. That is what he will remember, that is the example you want to set.

Honestly, these situation's are a sh!tshow no matter how they play out, but from my personal experience, being the parent that your kids look to for stability and dependability is critically important for both them and you.

mouthkeptshut and phantasmgoria, I hope you don't mind but did you guys reconcile or finish ?

Don't mean to be cheeky asking....

Tell the OBS first, then as soon as possible, confront your wife.

This is not difficult to figure out...telling your wife first will give the OM time to lie to his wife about you and your wife...telling her first will let her figure this all out for herself.

The OM telling your wife that you know before you confront is immaterial, her goose is cooked regardless.

The bottom line is that you know already, and the OBS deserves to know, without being lied to by her H about it any more than she already has been.

Dadof2kids,

Working on reconciliation. I'm about 9 months past DDay. I figure I can divorce her whenever, but if I didn't at least try for my family's sake then I might regret not trying. Certainly don't want to be an every-other-weekend dad.

It's going ok. More ups than down at this point. It helped that the affair ended on discovery with no waffling on her part. I haven't said I have forgiven her and we don't talk about it as much, but she still apologizes spontaneously. Seems the further out we get, I get closer to acceptance while she became more openly shameful and remorseful about it.

Once I exposed the affair as you're about to do, I opted to give myself 6 months to decide what I wanted to do long term. I recognized my head and heart were not aligned and so rash decisions were not in my best interest. Further, I'd been married 25 years, 4 kids, my family was my life and soul.

During that 6 months WW showed no remorse, no guilt, no empathy, nada. With those conditions there was no marriage to salvage. That's why I say it's irrelevant at this point what you want long term. Your wife's actions going forward will determine what options exist, and you have no way of knowing what her actions are going to be.

[This message edited by Phantasmagoria at 9:47 PM, April 4th (Tuesday)]

thanks guys...

Hopefully I will be back on here tomorrow night (in work, again!).

Why not tell the OBS and wait to see how it unravels on its own? By doing it this way, you'll see where your wife's loyalties lie, with you or the OM.

sending hugs your way

You have been living a lie for months now (possibly even years) so I'm going to give you advice straight up with no sugar coating. Please, remember that it is out of concern for your wellbeing.

With that said: get reconciliation is the only option out of your head right now. All options (separation, divorce, etc) should be on the table. You don't know what else she has been doing/hiding from you and displaying your desperation by saying you're willing to stay no matter what *DOES NOT* work out in the end. You will prolong your pain/suffering and continue to have Ddays by trying to quickly rugsweep into reconciliation.

Tell that man's wife ASAP. I think telling the OBS first is the best move.

I noticed that you asked 2 previous posters that suggest you to put reconciliation on hold if they reconciled or divorced their spouse. Idk what their story is, but I will tell you mine. I am 8 years out from my husband's first PA (which we rug swept like you're thinking of doing)and because of that I am 5 years out from his 2nd PA which was a one night stand. We are in R and have been for about 3.5 years now. Reconciliation by any means was never the only option I limited myself to. I kicked him out & had him served with divorce papers before. It's possible to reconcile, but you have to be willing to stand up for yourself and your wayward wife has to completely own her shit, work through her shit & actively show you that she's remorseful.

Your kids are the only ones you *should* have a "no matter what I'll always be there for you" type of loyalty for -NOT- a cheating spouse. Good luck.

she agrees to NC, but i still see messages on the old phone, do I then confront her on that too and show evidence

Basically you ask her to commit to the marriage and stop having sex with other men. So theoretically, it doesn't make a bit of difference whether or not you tell her how you know, because she will either re-commit to you and truly end the affair, or you will have enough self-respect to not put up with it and start filing.

Now, on the other point, you plan to just tell her again and again and again that she has to stop contacting him, and every time you catch her again, you tell her about it, and ask her to stop again, and then she starts up cheating again, well, it's probably better to not let her know how you caught her, because catching her the next time will be easier. But in that case, what's the point, if all you're going to do is just show her the proof and her not actually stop cheating?