SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I very well might of had the wrong kind of love. I spent my life trying to make her happy with money, trips, recognition and this is what is left.

People change. Sometimes that means changing from a bad person into a good person---and sometimes it is just the opposite.

Would your wife from 10 years ago be capable of doing this to you? From what you described, that would have been a near impossibility...because she is NOT the same person then as she is today. I can tell you...hands down...that I had a relationship with my wife 10 years ago that was better than any of my friend's marriages. We were special, and I knew it. I knew that I could trust her with my very life....and she would always look out for my well-being. And vice versa.

It turns out that that my wife is not the same person now as she was back then. How much of this is due to my skewed beliefs of what I really had? Looking back, I am sure that things were better in my eyes than in hers, but I will not concede that she was anything like she is today. The simple answer is that she has changed...and not for the better.

Don't get me wrong---I have PLENTY of faults throughout the marriage. My signature line...which I have kept here since day 1...puts blame on myself for working too much, and being a contributing factor to her cheating. I know now that this is simply not true, but I keep it there anyway...just as a reminder that I did have my large faults in the marriage. And these are character traits that I need to work on no matter what happens in my future.

You tried to love your wife the best way that you knew how. And I am sure that the majority of your marriage was more good than bad. All this shows is that you are only one component in the relationship---and no matter how hard you try, you can't make it succeed on your own.

Your wife has changed. She is not a very good person right now, and she may never want to return to her old self. You have no control over that. But if you are looking for companionship at a deep emotional level, there are others that are looking for exactly the same. I am not saying to start looking today, but what I am saying is that your future does not need to be dark. The sooner that you can reconcile your head with your heart, and not let the past drive your future, the sooner that you will come to peace with yourself....and not only accept that you deserve better, but take actions to feel better.

Last night, I brought some leftover Christmas dinner to my older brother. He is not in good physical shape(MS), PLUS he is still alone after his 30 year marriage fell apart a few years back. And while I do sympathize greatly for his physical deficiencies, part of me gets angry for him to continually live in self-misery. It simply appears that he does not want to get out of this state. And I can tell you, in all honesty, that I don't see him living beyond the next 5 years. That is not very promising for a 55 year old. I know that it is easy for me to armchair quarterback his life....and that is not fair....but that doesn't change the parts that he is doing wrong. Only he can start to make things better. And I hope that he does.

It is not only okay to grieve, but it is healthy to do so. It is just important that you can see the line between grief and self pity....and avoid getting sucked into the latter.

I hope that rest of your holidays are better.

So sorry you're here friend. You are understandably in great pain. This is a great place to express that pain among good people. Read, read, read and then write.

JWB

Do yourself a favor and mourn the loss of your marriage & wife.

Then do yourself the next favor.

Plan for revenge.

What kind of revenge? The best kind.

A great life without her in it.

The sooner you can put the focus on you, your kids, your future without her in it the better off you will be.

It does not matter if you are 25, 38 or 63. The time to start is right after your D is final.

You cannot control her. Nor can you wish a time machine that will take you back into time.

But what you can do is rebuild a better life.

One where you can control all the pieces. Where your partner with their crazy spending does not negatively impact the outcome.

Where all the decisions are yours and yours alone.

I understand you never pictured this outcome.

But your life is far from over.

The best revenge is too live well. The best revenge is too live well without her.

HM

JB3199

you have some excellent points to consider. 10 years ago we actually got asked if we were newlyweds much to our amusement. I think that is what hurts so bad in my heart is to realize I have lost something so valuable.

I know I can continue on just these thoughts and countless memories( I didn't know I had such a good memory) keep pounding (ruminating) through my mind and each one has a physical pain attached. Certainly not like the first weeks but a pain none the less.

I to should some of the blame, of course and like you I thought we had something that would never end. I never pictured starting my life over at 63. Sometimes seems so very bleak but I think in time I can adjust. That's the key I understand...TIME>

I know the divorce part is shaping up to be ugly as she fuels it with a lot of anger. For the life of me she says, "he make her happy" so why not ride off into the sunset and be happy? Why give me a pounding in the process?

Thanks for your words of wisdom. They have struck a cord!!

happyman,

Your words ring true as well. I find that deep loss of companionship is what I am dealing with now. We have lived here 40 years and even driving around I find triggers with memories attached I haven't thought of in a very long time.

I do feel they are lessening in degree but not being in total control of my emotions has me at a disadvantage right now. Just time... I think.

I am so fortunate I don't have to see her and haven't heard from her since she moved her stuff out. Lives in another state.

I started thinking of her as having died. Morbid but effective.

I have come to realize I am afraid to be alone. The utter loneliness that permeates my home is unbearable. I know time is the great healer but this fear is something I have never dealt with. Plus thinking of WW living with her AP all happy, warm and cosy is just killing me.

God how I hate that woman. I wish I had never laid eyes on her.

Have you tried journaling? I would write my Ex endless letters that I would never send. I poured my heart and soul into those letters. Then I burned them.

As others have written, the anger from them is common. I also agree with what others have said, they feel guilty and don't know how to deal with it, so they turn on us.

SI wasn't around yet when I went through the situation that eventually led me here. I didn't know about ADs, I thought I was just being weak and dramatic. I wish now I had found help to get through the days. I feel your pain walking this path without help. Agonizing doesn't even begin to describe it. I hope you were able to see someone.

You will get through this and we are here for you. Every painful step of the way, we are here for you.

Hey JWB,

I was married for 25 years, Divorced in 1999.

I have not talked to her, let alone seen her since 2002.

I am very happy with not seeing her. She turned on me something awful.

She is not living her dream, I heard through her family that she is living her nightmare.

They both are screwed up. they yell at each other, swear at each other and cheat on each other.

They have no where else to go.

Her family wants nothing to do with her.

She has shit on everyone.

It is best for you and safer to just not deal with your wife. Let her live her life in crap.

Your still young to meet a good woman. I'm 59 and I still date but when I feel like it.

Trust for me with someone else has to be earned, not just given automatically.

Hang in there, time does make all feel better. And the more you do not have to see her or talk to her, your healing goes alot faster.

Thank you again for your words of encouragement.

I have found a book online, "No More Mr. nice Guy" available in PDFs if you search.

This book is fabulous in understanding your motivation in loving some one as cruel as my wife. I put her on a pedestal and tried to fix everything for 37 years. At the expense of my own identity.

This has opened my eyes to how manipulative and cruel she could be and I would just keep trying to repair for a tidbit of what looked like love. So sad really when I look at myself and the reasons I did this.

She may really have done me a favor in the grand scheme of things. Don't get me wrong my heart is still broken but I understand better my desperation in losing her. Really she didn't love me at all. I was a comfort toy for so very long. I never could have made her happy.

Knowing this now I also realize her desperation with guy to be happy. When the oxytocin wears off in a couple of years he will be the focus of her hate, but it really doesn't matter to me. I won't be there willing to fix anything for her.

if you really look at your past with her, dig deep and see how she really treated you all those years.

the crappy things she said to you at times.

You got use to being with her and put up with alot.

It took me years to start remembering all the crap my ex did to me to my family, her family out friends. Man she shit on everyone and now no-one goes near her.

The less you see her and hear from the better you will be, trust me. At the beginning it was lonely but it got way better and now I enjoy my freedom and no one tells me what to do where to go and when.

Baaaad day emotionally. Went to counselor yesterday but today my emotions are all over the place and I start to wonder if I might be mentally ill. Even with depressants today my mind will not be still. Found myself just wanting this mind to stop.

how long on the meds? it takes at least 4 to 6 weeks to kick in

Baaaad day emotionally. Went to counselor yesterday but today my emotions are all over the place and I start to wonder if I might be mentally ill. Even with depressants today my mind will not be still. Found myself just wanting this mind to stop.

Ah. So sorry, JWB2. There is no easy way through this. Be gentle & patient with yourself, friend. You're not mentally ill. You've gone through a legit trauma. A real trauma. Something we've both seen on TV, movies, books, friends, at work.. .but never to ourselves. And when that reality hits, we realize only then how sucky it really is.

Bear through it. I know you can.

Good luck & keep us in the loop. People here care.

Baaaad day emotionally. Went to counselor yesterday but today my emotions are all over the place and I start to wonder if I might be mentally ill. Even with depressants today my mind will not be still. Found myself just wanting this mind to stop.

This is normal. Work through it. It will be the hardest emotional work you will do but you need to just do it. Do you have IRL support? If not, post here often. Read often.

Antidepressants take a while to kick in. Did you doctor give you anti-anxiety meds? That is what helped me IMMENSELY in the beginning while I waited for the antidepressants to kick in. Xanax helped my mind slow the spinning down. It does not take away the pain but it makes it tolerable so I could stay hydrated, eat, and sleep. Without hydration and sleep, your body will not survive. Your body and mind are experiencing trauma.

Continue to focus on taking care of YOU. (((((hugs))))) x 100

Dari and canoe,

It's amazing to think there are perfect strangers that care more about you than someone you spent your whole life with.

I think where I am getting hung up is when counselor mentioned she may be back and my mind grasps at that tiny kernel of hope. Even though I have absolutely no contact with her and no reason to hope so other than other breakups in the past one being a month. Not infidelity then. Then we were able to talk and work things through. She will not speak to me at all. Then my mind fires up what they are doing and I am lost. I don't think I have ever doubted my mind fiction like I have now. I am taking seroquil and it's supposed to help. We will see. Didn't do much today. God I wish this had a quick fix and be over.

Life is not a bed of roses.

She may have left but guess what? It's not all sunshine and rainbows. She cheated on you. Then left to be with him.

They may think they are "happy" but that's the foundation of their relationship. What a foundation huh?

You ask why your wife is being nasty with the divorce? Simple, it's the last vestige of power she has over you. The last act of disrespect that gives her validation.

Imagine being with someone who you supposedly "love" and watch them absolutely trying to suck the life out of someone they supposedly shared their life with for so long? Even if the OM is egging her on what kind of man is he? Even if he isn't and he's watching this, in the back of his mind he's thinking she can cheat on me and then try to take everything from me at the end. Not very appealing is it?

There are people in this life called users. They are never happy and take advantage of people who show kindness or are Nice Guys/Girls.

Two users can never survive, like two leeches eventually one will use the other up. Take comfort in that.

Even if the OM is egging her on what kind of man is he?

Oh hell yeah this OM is putting crap in her head. He doesn't want her to leave him, he is some desperate ass that he finally has a women and he is going to do and say whatever to protect his "Stuff" and also the guy loves to create and feed off this drama crap.

Reno and drama,

You have some very thought provoking comments.

This night, New Year's Eve will be the toughest of all for some 40 years ago she selected me above him. She was supposed to go to a party with hike. Drug fueled no doubt. We had broken off a month earlier and I drove up when she was getting off work. I was met with biggest smile. We sat and talked and she decided on us to restart our relationship. I was never so happy for I have always felt a kindred spirit with her. I would think of her and she would call. I would walk into a crowd and I could feel where she was. I used to think magical.

I will no doubt learn to live with out her but I am afraid this pain will never leave, not until I draw my last breath on this earth. I have considered taking my own life because if it is to be this empty it will be unbearable. However it never seems to make sense. I will always have this hope that I can drive up and see that big smile again one more time.

Jw,

I was married for 25 years I felt the same as you about her.

but when all hell broke out, i thought my life was over, done!! but I pushed through it, it was rough but i came through it all.

I still hurt but not like the first day or the second day etc... it does get easier.

You will make through ok.

Thanks tomichdrama,have a great new year if you can