SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry you find yourself here, and despite the rocky start, it is a place full of caring people that want to help. I think the Betrayed Men thread in I Can Relate will be a great help to you.

You are already finding out that people will not always agree with you and sometimes you won't like what they say. Hell, I remember when I first came on here and I was so certain that my now ex-husband was different from all the other cheaters. It pissed me off to be told otherwise, but they were right. I was so hurt and so in shock and the emotions just suffocated my brain! Please just listen to what people have to say. You don't have to agree and you don't have to take their advice. Just listen. As you said, we're all individuals and we're all going to react in the ways that make sense for us.

I'm very glad you will be seeing a counselor on your own. This whole infidelity mess takes such a toll on you and having a professional to help you navigate the emotions you still have to contend with is such a help.

Take care of yourself and those kids.

Uhtred, I'm really sorry you find yourself here. I'm about 2.5 months further down this dark path than you, and I can tell you the pain isn't quite as sharp as it was a couple of months ago. I've been helped by a remorseful wife who's trying to straighten herself out.

I'm not going to pile on about the physical violence, it seems that you have lived a lot of betrayed men's revenge fantasies. I'm just sorry you paid such a physical price for that form of justice. But don't forget who really betrayed you - the woman who stood on an altar and made vows to you that she shattered. I've always taken it for granted that there were plenty of men out there who would gladly screw my wife if given a chance, just never thought she'd give any of them a shot.

Personally, I don't care about the pain you inflicted on the human debris who screwed your wife. I'd just hate to see you let her off the hook out of a sense that she was somehow beguiled into the affair, or that he paid the price for her trangressions. She needs to bust her ass in the months and years to come to show that she is worthy of the rest of your life.

Come visit us in the Betrayed Men forum when you get a chance. There are guys there who have been dealing with this for years, even decades, who will offer you support and great advice.

I get where you're coming from, man. I really do. I don't necessarily agree that you have anger issues, either, provided that you're being honest about this kind of violence being an isolated incident. Post DDAY, the only thing that kept me from doing the exact same thing to OM was the threat of incarceration... Not morals, not right or wrong, just jail. I feel for you.

doggiemom12,

Please remember that members in Just Found Out are in a raw place. This thread is obviously triggering you, so please step away.

We talk a lot about regret vs. remorse on here. What has happened in your situation has the potential to provide you with unique insight into the difference.

Now, up front, a BS needs remorse, consistent actions over time from the WS to even have a hope of a successful R and building a new M. Sometimes, even with remorse, an A is a dealbreaker, and that's ok too.

So, what's the difference?

Regret.

It is concerned with the consequences to oneself.

It's natural to have this, it's not a *bad* thing, but it needs to move into remorse to be the healthiest thing. That can take time, because remorse is concerned about the consequences to others. The hurt your WW did to you. The hurt you did to him.

There's a parallel.

So, imagine if you had ended up with 10 years behind bars. Would you regret it then?

Right. Definitely.

In time, maybe you can see the loss of a digit as your lucky get-out-of-jail-free card, and can turn it around as not such a harsh thing - considering what could have happened. Ok?

So, your WW is "in jail" right now. Busted. Suffering the consequences.

When will she "get true remorse"?

Well, had you ended up in jail yourself, how long would it have taken you? Think about it. Life is long. Someday, may you be a grey old guy in a rocking chair next to your FORMER WW, getting it too. See?

Hang in there man. keep posting. We got your back.

Thanks again for the support. I just pulled into my driveway and my kids are all over me. I had to work today. I will post my encounter with my wife tonight. I'm going to try and be positive and listen as I have been doing but even better.

I must admit that I love what you did to this guy. I honestly thing if there was more 'punishment' for adultery, it wouldn't happen so much.

Holy shit brother. I f--king got chills reading your story. I am also in your boat with similar issues. I just lived for a good minute through you and I loved it and thank you for doing what I guess you can say I chose not to because I have been through the fighting thing and temper thing and I learned to control myself and focus on my kids and the consequences. But I wanted to so many times ! Most of the time I dont beat the shit out of him because I know that is what she wants! For her case ! She hides him from me because she is afraid of what I will do to him. Like you I was with my wife since we were kids and like you I busted my ass to provide a more than average life for her and my family and like you she got a trainer ,lost weight , got new job , and f--ked a teacher at her non paying job for years behind my back. I caught her in a hotel at 2am in my new Benz I just bought her. My story is long and she was very premeditated and abusive but I am sure you know the story! Filled with lies as they all do. All! For me after cheating there is no going back , remorse or not but that is me , I do not judge you I actually commend you but it is hard to get that trust back especially for a guy who considers himself a "man" as I also do. I wish you the best of luck in your situation and I am sorry about your pain and finger . But you should know that on this site you are probably a hero who has done what every guy wishes he has ( and woman) right or wrong ,it has crossed everyone's mind more than once. So thanks and stay strong emotionally! All the best

Uhtred

I feel for you. It is the most raw and earth shattering thing to discover what you discovered. I really feel for you, my d-day was just a couple days after yours and though circumstances are very different, I can definitely relate to the timeline and the completely heartbreaking feeling of discovery.

And I understand the rage, I am not saying " rock on, good for you" I am saying I understand it, completely. My WH had waited until his OW actually left the country before he told me, in part, I think because he knew I would physically harm her. And knowing how I felt, that's probably what would have happened. I'm not saying it would have been a logical, mature decision, but knowing how I felt at that moment... So truly, I understand the moment you said it just boiled over. I hope you have been able to heal past that.

Just wanted to let you know I hear you and that you are definitely not alone.

I sincerely hope you and your wife have been able to open the lines of communication. It sounds like she is really trying to heal things with you, and trust me I know it can be very very difficult to begin to let the WS back in, but regardless of what you decide, I hope that you two are able to really open the lines of communication now that everything is out on the table. At least that's what my WH and I have begun to do, and things are actually shifting into a more positive light.

You have been heard, wishing you and your family all the best!

Uhtred, many of us cant get over it. Iam one of those.My wife had a LTA that spanned several years. It was a deal breaker for me. Marriage is like a beautiful piece of crystal. When its shattered by a infidelity, you can glue it back together, but when you hold it up to the sunlight, you can see the cracks an it will never be as strong.

Uhtred,

I'm sorry that you have to be here. When you get back on here post in the Betrayed Men forum. Someone on there gave them a heads up about your situation. I think you'll find that they are uniquely qualified to help you out, especially since it is still so raw.

Please do not be discouraged by all the comments about your anger. Yes most people would not react that way but I'm sure most of us have thought about it. They should not pass judgement on you. They've never met you. Love makes us all do things we would normally not do when we are hurting. Your situation is slightly different because you knew the OM and his wife more intimately than a stranger. This is not to deflect blame from your wife. She is responsible just the same but having been a family friend, he betrayed your entire family. Your FIL and MIL trusted him and look at what he has done. He betrayed his own wife for the third time. He obviously has unresolved issues with himself. I don't believe in violence or guns but I can say he got what he deserved. Next time, use better judgment. You may not be so lucky. I'm not saying there will be a next time. I'm just saying we need to think with our heads before we react. Ignore the anger comments and just take in the EMA responses. That is what will help you most in dealing with what life has brought us all to SI for.

This was a grown man who knew full well what might happen with a jealous husband, correct?

I know I don't mess with married women.

Mess with the bull, you might get horns.

^^^yup^^^

Thanks to all who have been constructive with my post. I don't want to misconstrue why I posted what I did. I'm not trying to achieve "bad ass" status. I did have a serious case of the red ass when it happened and that's how I dealt with it. I'm missing a finger now because of my decision. It was well worth it since I didn't get caught, the physical wound has healed. Would I attack him again if I saw him, probably not. I delivered my message one good time. I have turned my anger on my wife and she feels it. I have never and will never hurt her physically nor will I beat her up mentally. She's a mess all on her own. I'm just trying to deal with all these emotions. I'm not a tear shedder but this has brought me to my knees. I've moved my post over to the man forum. Thank you all for direction and wisdom. I've made the appointment for IC and will continue MC until it either works out or it doesn't.

[This message edited by Uhtred at 9:27 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

I honestly think if there was more 'punishment' for adultery, it wouldn't happen so much.

I must admit to thinking this as well. I know I *should* condemn the violence according to all the societal rules, but in all honesty I'm finding it hard to be sincere about it. Really, the only sincere reason it bothers me is because you didn't think about how your actions could have affected your kids. Who would watch out for your kids if you were badly hurt or killed because the OM had a gun or you ended up in jail because someone called the cops? They need their Dad, especially because their Mom is such a mess. OM got what he deserved, no denying it. But the risk for your kids was just too high.

I've often said I wouldn't spit on the OW in my situation if she was on fire and that is the truth. Yeah, yeah, X is even more at fault but that doesn't change how I feel about her.

((Uhtred))

[This message edited by kernel at 9:56 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

Uhtred, I totally understand why you did what you did. No blame from me. I think IC will help you figure some things out.

My concern is that your wife may fall into the same pattern with someone else, and say that the only reason that she is with you is because she is scared of you/obligated to stay with you. Is this something you two have talked about or addressed? I hear a lot of stories about other women who found an escape in an affair because of (they claim) violent/controlling husband. I am not saying at all that that you ARE that way, what I am asking is have you communicated with your wife that she does not SEE you that way?

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 10:20 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

My wife is not scared of me at all. As I was driving away from the scene she ran down the driveway after me and jumped in my truck. I'm a loving non controlling husband. Of course rules have changed. I'm the man of my household and always have been set but new boundaries have and will be set for both of us to abide by.

Uhtred you did what every BS dreams of doing at one time or the other.

Most don't.

However I am curious to know what you would say or do if the OM's wife wanted to punish your wife and defend her honor in the same way you did? Would you be okay with your wife being battered and broken by his wife in the same way you battered and broke her WS? After all your wife did to her exactly what he did to you.