...she said she is not looking to give excuses but just to explain facts, she thinks our marriage was struggling before the A but I refused to see it. She said she thought about leaving me before even we met the OM, and at some point, she thought about life after divorce but she couldn’t do it because she still loved me and didn’t want to break her family. She reminded me of the multiple times she asked for couples counseling and I refused she begged for time for us but I ignored her. she felt that I didn’t care about putting any effort and I was content to live the way I’ve been, she gave up but she never wanted to leave me. Our life was mundane, our kisses weren’t real anymore just habit and sex was just a duty. She never wanted to leave me though because she loves me and values what we had accomplished. but she felt that I was looking for any excuse to not be with her like mowing the grass for the neighbors or cleaning the garage when it wasn’t needed. Then came the OM who gave her the attention I didn’t, told her the words I didn’t, he was willing to spend time with her to listen and talk to her. he was wishing her good morning and good night every day while I never did. He gave her flowers without any reason, I did not.
It's typical for cheaters to rewrite the marital history and/or remember things as worse than they were. That's all part of the mental gymnastics a WS engages while giving themselves permission to cheat.
But let's say, for argument's sake, that you weren't a very attentive husband... the cheating is still 100% about HER. Nothing that you did (or didn't do) caused her to throw away her own integrity or to turn her back on what should have been her core values of fidelity and honesty. And nothing that she did during the affair was targeted to solving the problem of getting more attention from YOU.
But is getting attention from you really THE "problem"? Let's say that years ago, you had said "yes" to marriage counseling. Would you still be here now?
Of course, none of us have a crystal ball, but I would say 'yes', because what we do know about cheaters is that many, if not most, of them can't self-validate. What that means is that they're already NOT healthy partners. In cheaters, what we typically see is that even if they're getting validation at home, it's not enough. When validation comes from your spouse after many years of marriage, it's like getting it from your mom or dad. They're supposed to think you're wonderful. You're not getting the same rush, and it's the "rush" that keeps cheaters cheating. The need for external validation is a hole that can never be fully plugged. Remember the "biochemical cocktail" we talked about.
Your WW's explanation was appallingly non-introspective. Why does she need to be externally validated? Why is she entitled to prioritize that validation ahead of her marriage and ahead of YOUR physical and mental health? She's shifting the blame, and no... I don't think that's some kind of nefarious bit of manipulation. It's worse than that. I think she BELIEVES her own nonsense.
Marriage counseling is NOT the answer. As others have pointed out, the blame will be focused on your marriage rather than on your cheater. But marriages don't cheat. People do. It's your WW who has the problem and it's your WW who needs to remediate it. R starts with two HEALTHY individuals of similar core values. Your WW needs to see a good IC, one who won't take any bullshit off her, and she needs to dig deep to figure out what in her character is capable of saying "yes" to perfidy. Then she needs to dig a little deeper and find the hidden ugly trait which explains "why": entitlement? narcissistic tendencies? grandiosity? personality disorder? etc.
I would suggest that if you're considering R, maybe go for a 6-month separation, where you can begin your own healing process and she can dig into IC. If it's a "therapeutic" separation, you might consider regular meetings to discuss progress; monthly, bimonthly, or even weekly if you can stomach it. There would be no "dating" or contact with the OM, and her tech should be open to checking. "Checking" is not snooping. It's an opportunity for the WS to prove that they're trustworthy. Every time a BS "checks" and finds nothing, it's a drop of trust added to a really empty bucket.
Currently, your WW does NOT "get it". Her reasoning is still "wayward". And frankly, you just found out a couple of weeks ago. It takes time when we've been traumatized to figure out what it is we really want. As we've discussed, you're still a young man. You may decide that you want your freedom. Alternatively, your WW might buckle down, work really hard, and remediate the holes in her character. It's difficult to get a real feel for your options though when your cheater is underfoot giving you crocodile tears and snot-bubbled promises to change.
Think it over. Time appears to be on your side.
Strength as you process.
ETA:
I’m not the type of guy who buys flowers just because it’s Thursday and I hate sending text messages, but I would give my life for my family. I told her. if god forbid, she was hit by bus and was handicapped for the rest of her life I wouldn’t hesitate a second to carry her and take care of her as long as I’m alive. I reminded her that I cook and clean the house not because I like doing it but because I love my family.
Remember that you're already good enough, and you always have been. A person who wants to change you is trying to extract value from you, not appreciating the already good man you are.
[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 2:35 PM, July 24th (Friday)]
