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You're exactly right on validation. She was constantly receiving praise, validation and emotional support from this guy and which she said I didn't provide for her.

She was constantly receiving praise, validation and emotional support from this guy and which she said I didn't provide for her

Even if this were true, it does not justify her affair. She had a hundred different options. She could have talked to you. Asked for marriage counseling. She could have divorced you. But instead she chose, repeatedly, to seek these things from AP. She chose to lie and betray.

She really needs to be in therapy to figure out why she is like that and why she chose to handle it the way she did.

From your telling of it, I don’t see any kind of remorse from your WW. All I see is someone who will say & do whatever she wants because she already knows you won’t leave. NEVER give the impression that you’ll stay no matter what. Usually the only way you can get a WS to come to terms with what they’ve done is when they truly fear they will lose you and their lifestyle over it.

She's ready to leave also, she says any decision I make is fine for her. All she says is, decide one way or another and stop bringing up this topic.

I was going to say a lot of things...but after reading this:

She's ready to leave also, she says any decision I make is fine for her. All she says is, decide one way or another and stop bringing up this topic.

You already know. And so does she - she just wants you to be the "bad guy"

I'm wondering out loud if things ever really ended.

She will find out soon enough the grass only seemed to be greener due to all the shit they were shoveling.

Document everything and avail yourself of free consultations from a few attorneys to really see what this could look like down the road.

She has no remorse.

Rev, I'm sorry but from what you're saying it doesn't sound like you have much to work with. I think you should read up on the 180 and start working on detaching from her. The 180 is meant to help you start focusing on yourself and it will also fulfill her wish for you to stop bringing it up. If she doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't care about the marriage do you really want to remain in it like this?

In some cases a WS will react to a person doing the 180 and start turning back toward the marriage, but that's not the purpose. The purpose is to prepare you to start detaching and focus on yourself. You can find it in the healing library in the drop down at the top of the page.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/

[This message edited by Pogre at 7:59 PM, Monday, August 10th]

So basically, you didn’t talk about it for a year. You triggered and brought it up a few days ago, and got new information. And now she’s telling you she cares more about not talking about her A than she does about staying married.

I’m with Chaos, I think she’s still hiding things.

Anyway, this leaves you no options because I can’t see how you reconcile if you never talk about it again.

After she told the story, I kept her asking questions about it every day so she might have said it out of frustration. Also she said I will answer any question you have and you can say whatever you have on your mind in one sitting but after that please stop bringing up constantly.

After she told the story, I kept her asking questions about it every day so she might have said it out of frustration. Also she said I will answer any question you have and you can say whatever you have on your mind in one sitting but after that please stop bringing up constantly.

If she cares and wants to help you, help fix what she broke, then one conversation about it and not asking any questions afterwards won't do it. She needs to answer every question, even if you ask the same ones a hundred times.

You've been deeply traumatized. Betrayal trauma is real trauma. PTSD symptoms are common. Many describe it worse than the death of a loved one, topped only by the loss of a child. It's a very deep wound and can take 2 to 5 years to recover from. You already found out what happens when it's rugswept and there's trickle truth. It reopened the wound and reset the clock on your healing. You're back at day 1 again. If there's any chance at reconciliation you need the whole truth and this has to be talked out. A thousand times if that's what it takes.

I don't know if she'll even read it, but "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald is a very good book that really helped my wife understand just how bad this is. It's not a long read, but it's packed with info and does a very good job of describing what betrayed spouses go through. The audio version is just over 2 hours long so it can reasonably be listened to in one sitting. My wife and I listened to it together and it really opened her eyes.

"Not 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass is another good read. I also listened to that one with my wife.

[This message edited by Pogre at 9:55 PM, Monday, August 10th]

she said I will answer any question you have and you can say whatever you have on your mind in one sitting but after that please stop bringing up constantly.

Typical. She's trying to control the situation. It's good that she says she'll answer any question but it's completely ridiculous to think that you'll stop asking about it. She's either feeling a lot of shame about it, or she's still in it, or both.

The other person was obviously a player who had many side chicks. But I don't care about him. I care that my wife deeply fell for him while it lasted and snapped out of it only after finding the true nature about him.

I know how hard this is to deal with. It's the part that affects me the most also. It probably felt/feels as real as she says it is to her, there is no logically talking her out of that.

The IC for both of you is critical. She needs to know how she could do what she did, and what she was actually looking for that she felt was missing.

You need to talk to someone about how you're feeling, learn to deal with triggers, and work on being the best version of you, regardless of the marriage. That should help you regulate your thoughts and emotions.

I'm 9 months out and I'm hopeful we'll make it but I've come to the realization that I can't force the timeline. It could be 2 years or more but as long as each month is just a bit better than the month before we're moving in the right direction.

You might want to consider setting aside time to talk about the A. She does have to answer your questions, and truthfully, but it might help to not make it every conversation. You could write down your questions and save them for the [hour][or whatever you agree to] per [day/week, again whatever] you guys talk about what happened.

I will suggest we both listen together How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. I also like the suggestion setting some time each week to address any questions I have. This is the biggest complaint from her about me that I bring up the topic frequently.

I don't think you really start on the path to reconciliation until all the truth is out on the table.

Absolutely true. AND true remorse. If anyone here can see even one shred of it in this woman, from what OP has written ofc, please point it out. Will anyone tell him R has absolutely zero chance without the betrayer coming to true remorse?

And OP, I suspect you, like most who end up here, don’t understand what is meant by "remorse". Most think it means they say sorry and mope around a bit. Nope. Not that at all. Remorse is deep EMPATHY for the BETRAYED SPOUSE. True sorrow for their actions because the can see, and to *some* limited extent, understand the damage & hurt they’ve caused to their spouse. True remorse exhibits FAR more of that kind of sorrow than merely encountering some consequences from their own choices. In other words, they are far more concerned with the pain their spouse is feeling than their own.

Do you see that in your wife? At all??

She uses a sledgehammer to hit you on the foot and she now wants to tell you when to stop crying.
Sorry, but I don't see a remorseful spouse here.
Divorce is painful. Not going to lie. The only thing more painful to me was my ex acting like your WW, telling me that I needed to just get over it.
Every situation is different. I was worried about Divorce. I have spent about 3 weeks total time so far this year with my non biological grandkids. My ex has spent less than 5 hours with them in the same time and she is the biological grandmother. This is by choice of my non biological daughter.
Sometimes we live in fear of what the future might bring and I understand that. Then reality brings us a future we could never imagine. Hope this makes sense.