SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TakingSmallSteps,

I'm sorry you're going through this.
The first week finding out was brutal. My world was shattered, and likely so was yours. How could this person you know and love do this to you?

The answer to that is that they probably didn't even think about you.
They only care about themselves and their affair partner when it's happening.

You did NOTHING wrong. REMEMBER that, and BELIEVE that.

The fact that your spouse told you about it vs you discovering it is actually really a big deal. This does not happen a lot, but it also doesn't mean you know all the facts either, so take it with a grain of salt.

I PRAY that nothing happened physically, but I know all too well that unfaithful spouses will lie, gaslight, deflect and blame to keep secrets. They love to say 'I didn't want to hurt you anymore', but they really mean 'I dont want you to know the truth because you might leave me'

The only other advice I can offer is the following:
Take care of YOURSELF.
You can't change your spouse, only THEY can change themselves.
Though most affairs share incredible similarities, each couple has to work through their recovery on their own. There is no right or wrong answer on what you choose to do.

Thank you for all the new messages of support and advice. Today was my first day in the office (I mostly work from home) and it was so nice to have a day interacting with other people to take my mind off slightly - and then I knew I could come home to this forum where I can hear from people who know what this horrible process feels like.

There are a few questions to answer I see - and I think it'll help me to go through them too...

The distinction Letmebefrank is drawing, if I understand correctly, is not "breathing down his neck" vs a more standoffish version of the same; it's that you need to start making ground rules for moving forward.

Got it - ground rules are slowly appearing now and I'm feeling more confident in asserting them. To tell the truth I have always been a bit of a pushover, I've always had certain uncrossable boundaries but on most things I'm flexible and forgiving. In this case, I really have to challenge myself not to let rules slip. I really, really don't want this to happen again.

I don't think you're in a hopeless situation.

Thank you, Pogre, I agree. I am still feeling hope despite the pain. WS has now shared his NC letter with me (I'm happy with it, it's very clear) and today he is sending it. I will check later.

So far, no new details have come forward, and I have pushed. Next step will be writing a timeline. WS seems to feel really painful guilt, so I'm hoping this turns to solid remorse and action in the coming weeks. As long as this happens, I think we stand a good chance. I don't want to be naive, but this is my childhood sweetheart who I cannot imagine being without. I want to give him that chance. Have to remember to hold firm too, as above...

BoundaryBuilder, you asked lots of great questions, I'm going to take a look through those next.

Do H and affair accomplice work together?

Yes, they are coworkers. Approximately the same seniority, though she is a couple of years younger than him. They work in a large open office, at opposite ends of the room. They run in the same work friendship groups, so have previously seen each other in the coffee room/at lunch etc.

AP is in a monogamous relationship but is unhappy. Her partner sounds unpleasant - financially controlling and argumentative.

Did he offer an explanation as to WHY he chose to disclose the A at this time?

He says the guilt was consuming him. On their supposed 'last' meeting, two days before DDay, he attempted to break things off but became worried that he couldn't. This final meeting included hand-holding and a kiss on the cheek. He says this was intended as a goodbye. But she messaged immediately after, and he continued to engage. He said he wanted to tell me, and she begged him not to. She said they could go back to being friends, even if they 'still flirted, but just for fun'. You can't make this up... She is infatuated with him, and I can't see them ever having a healthy relationship. It's too messy.

I do know that another coworker, more of an acquaintance, saw them hugging at the train station, as WS disclosed this to me. He says this other coworker acted flustered, so clearly believed something was going on. I wonder if this was part of the trigger to tell me. Other colleagues also made gentle jokes about the amount of time they spent together (we're British, indirect criticism is a talent of ours!).

Gosh, I pray there isn't more coming...

'If it comes out now, I may walk. If it comes out in the future, I will walk.'

Thank you for sharing, sisoon. I like this phrasing, it sets the boundary without doubt.

Him continuing to work with this woman is going to be a problem for you because that means they still have easy access to each other. Were you to ask him to find another job would he? A truly remorseful WS will do anything and everything to repair the damage he / she has caused.

Hi WB1340, yeah we have spoken about this. He is considering leaving his job. We discussed it a few months ago actually, which I might now need to examine again... He has a stressful corporate job with long hours, and had been talking about finding something closer to home and less high-pressure. I do now wonder if there was more to that talk though!!

Finally...

Though most affairs share incredible similarities, each couple has to work through their recovery on their own. There is no right or wrong answer on what you choose to do.

jeremy99 your message gave me comfort. So much of me wants to go back to 'how things were', because I thought they were really good. I have never once doubted our relationship's strength, which is making this so confusing. But I have to remember that I always have a choice and there isn't a right/wrong choice when it comes to whether I'm staying or going. I know I would make the best of either. I do have faith in myself.

It's just flipping scary right now! I'm feeling okay today. Numb, scared, but managing...

Don’t put too much stock in the fact that he told you about this. In a lot of cases, the WS outs themselves if they got caught by someone that might tell you or sometimes the WS is told they were going to tell the BS.

They can’t continue to work together. This is one of those hard things, but this has to be a boundary for you. Affairs have a lot of similarities to addition. The metaphor that’s often given is that your WH is like an alcoholic. Maybe he’s on the wagon, but you wouldn’t be comfortable with him working as a bartender. Being around his AP is like having an alcoholic work as a bartender. "No Contact" means no contact at all. Not even if they promise to "keep it professional". One of them needs a new job. Seriously. I’m glad you guys have already been considering this.

You need to tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse). You’re not going to want to and you’re going to resist this advice. But you have to. First, it’s the Golden Rule. You’d want someone to tell you that your husband was cheating on you. Second, it’s a great way to make sure affairs end. Very frequently, when A’s get exposed, the AP will try to save their own relationship (just like your WH is doing now).

Don’t believe this:

AP is in a monogamous relationship but is unhappy. Her partner sounds unpleasant - financially controlling and argumentative

This is just what she told your WH. There’s a better than average chance that she was full of shit when she feeding this to your WH. I’ll bet you when you talk to OBS you’ll be shocked to find out that he’s a really good guy and he thought things were good between them.

Thank you Letmejustbefrank, I do need to hear this and keep it in mind.

I've so far been inclined to believe him on the point about the AP's partner and vulnerability (this is not to absolve her actions at all, just want to give context). She has shared her bad relationship with several colleagues for a long time (I think she may be a chronic oversharer, which isn't always a problem but obviously here has become one). That said, I guess I am hearing everything filtered through my WS. None of his other coworkers have contacted me or anything so I can't verify.

She has openly flirted with a few people in the office and discussed all of this with my WS - this office actually has truly bizarre boundaries (or lack thereof) when drinking or just hanging out together outside of work. So much so it's always been a running joke between WS and myself... Now I'm thinking about it, it really is such a mess and I think we should seriously discuss him leaving if he is committed to R.

She has openly flirted with a few people in the office and discussed all of this with my WS

If my wife or long term girlfriend acted that way I might come across as a little bit "controlling" too.

Just saying.

If we had a nickel for every betrayed spouse who was cheated on by someone who falsely rewrote their entire history as controlling and abusive we'd be rich. Its very, very common, maybe moreso for women, for a cheater to try and trigger a KISA (knight in shining armor) response from a prospective affair partner. That may or may not be the case here, but it'd be very unsurprising. Hence the incredulity from some of us.

Bingo-the hug witnessed is why he told you. Every other reason is very likely crap. And to concur-working together needs to stop.

Also-her partner probably is "controlling" if he is constantly finding out or worried about her cheating. You need to contact him and let him know of this situation. He deserves to know, just like you, but none of the coworkers informed you. The jokes….. they all know what is going on. Sounds pretty toxic to me.

Sorry you had to be here. But lots of good info can be found here.

it's not your fault, take care of yourself, get individual counseling, talk to your doctor, get STD testing, ask your WH to get testing.

This concerns me

WS seems afraid to hurt AP's feelings

So he is afraid to hurt her feelings but it was ok to hurt you? Not good.

Two good books, "How to help your spouse heal from your affair", and "not just friends". Read them both and have WS read them.

Sounds like your WH is dragging his heals. He needs to go no contact ASAP. You need to inform AP spouse, he deserves to know and AP is likely not being truthful about him. NC is difficult while working together.

It might be a good idea to speak to an attorney. First meetings are often no charge. Protect yourself.

trustedg ( member #44465) posted at 2:36 PM on Thursday, July 2nd, 2026

Two good books, "How to help your spouse heal from your affair", and "not just friends". Read them both and have WS read them.

Even better yet, get the audio versions and listen to them together. That's what my wife and I did. The expressions on her face and the way she looked at me during some of chapters actually told me a lot. Those books really opened her eyes and changed the way she treats our relationship, I think, forever. For the better.

The former book is fairly short. The audio version is a little over 2 hours long, so it can reasonably be listened to in a single sitting. Its packed with great info about some of the the steps a WS should take to help their BS recover from betrayal trauma. The latter is a bit longer, but does a deep dive into the different types of affairs, how they get started, and the damage they do. Both books really opened my wife's eyes, and, well, mine too.

Thank you, everyone. I am so grateful for the support and attentiveness of all your answers.

I can confirm the NC message was sent last night. Thank goodness! He let me know AP has sent a reply but we haven't looked at it yet (it arrived very late last night, and I couldn't bring myself to hear any more). He has blocked her on all other channels/social media.

He is almost certain that many colleagues are now aware. He said people spoke to him who wouldn't usually, and one warned AP he was coming so she could move, which he overheard. Things are tense - I'm feeling more and more firm that he needs to leave and he so far agrees. Part of the NC specifies that he tells me if they do interact.

Last night was difficult. There was no crying or arguing, but he really collapsed in on himself and I just went a bit emotionally flat, because I didn't know how to respond. Now disclosure is done and NC is sent, he has definitely felt a big release in tension - and this has led to him now wanting this all to blow over quickly. He was journaling, and found it very positive, but he's also seeking a lot of comfort and reassurance from me which I'm finding overwhelming. He keeps saying 'it's over' to which I'm responding, 'the affair is, and that's good, but our side of this has only just started'. He seems frustrated by the idea that he might now need to put work in for a long time. He has so far told me things he would like (e.g. longer evening chats and more frequent intimacy), but I'm feeling this very personally as blame for the affair. I will take responsibility for my side of improving things, 100% - there's a lot I want to do to make our marriage stronger! But right now I'm in too much pain to hear feedback on my side of things.

I assume it's normal for WS to go backwards and forwards as they process what has happened?

Thank you for the book recommendations - I think that audiobook would be hugely helpful.

There are some good things in this post.

Thank you, everyone. I am so grateful for the support and attentiveness of all your answers.

You're very welcome. We've all been here and received great advice and support. Some of us have stuck around to pay it forward, so to speak.

I can confirm the NC message was sent last night. Thank goodness! He let me know AP has sent a reply but we haven't looked at it yet (it arrived very late last night, and I couldn't bring myself to hear any more). He has blocked her on all other channels/social media.

This is great. Great job on following through with this.

He is almost certain that many colleagues are now aware. He said people spoke to him who wouldn't usually, and one warned AP he was coming so she could move, which he overheard. Things are tense - I'm feeling more and more firm that he needs to leave and he so far agrees. Part of the NC specifies that he tells me if they do interact.

Not surprising. People talk. I'm sure all of his colleagues are aware of what's been going on. I do think it'd be a good thing for him to find another job if it's possible. That will take a lot of anxiety off of your plate, and if he's serious about this, his too. It's great you added that condition to his NC.

Last night was difficult. There was no crying or arguing, but he really collapsed in on himself and I just went a bit emotionally flat, because I didn't know how to respond. Now disclosure is done and NC is sent, he has definitely felt a big release in tension - and this has led to him now wanting this all to blow over quickly.

Well the sooner he realizes this isn't just going to blow over the better. What he's hoping for is some rug sweeping. You don't want to rug sweep this. It can have a way of coming back later with a vengeance. You guys have some work to do. He needs to demonstrate he's a safe partner and that takes consistency over time. Lots of time.

I think listening to those recommended books will open his eyes. You'll learn a lot, too. They really opened my wife's eyes. She was all about "moving on." She underestimated how damaging it would be, and quite frankly so did I. My d day was over a year ago and she's still very repentant and contrite. She knows this is going to be a long process and she's committed and strapped in for the ride.

He was journaling, and found it very positive, but he's also seeking a lot of comfort and reassurance from me which I'm finding overwhelming. He keeps saying 'it's over' to which I'm responding, 'the affair is, and that's good, but our side of this has only just started'.

Good response!

He seems frustrated by the idea that he might now need to put work in for a long time. He has so far told me things he would like (e.g. longer evening chats and more frequent intimacy), but I'm feeling this very personally as blame for the affair. I will take responsibility for my side of improving things, 100% - there's a lot I want to do to make our marriage stronger! But right now I'm in too much pain to hear feedback on my side of things.

You could look at this like a major car accident and you've just arrived in the SI emergency room. You're in triage right now, and we're assessing injuries. He might have some bumps, bruises and scrapes that should definitely be attended to, but you've been launched through the windshield and have a neck injury with a gaping head wound. We need to stop your bleeding and get you stabilized first and foremost. His bumps and bruises might be real, but he's just going to have to wait until your injuries are attended to first.

That doesn't mean you can't acknowledge or address any issues he might have, but you're definitely the priority now. Any pre affair issues will have to take a back seat until the most major injury is dealt with and stabilized. That's going to take some time.

I assume it's normal for WS to go backwards and forwards as they process what has happened?

It's not a linear journey for either of you. There aren't really any shortcuts. If anything tho, the BS is the one who experiences a lot of ups and downs. It's often 3 steps forward and 2 steps back.

The good news is that you're off to a pretty good start. He's just going to have to realize the extent of your injuries and be very patient and attentive as you convalesce.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:16 PM, Friday, July 3rd]

One more thing I wanted to get off my chest in response to Pogre's comment:

Its very, very common, maybe moreso for women, for a cheater to try and trigger a KISA (knight in shining armor) response from a prospective affair partner.

So that's what KISA is - I was wondering! I think this actually hits the nail on the head. WS has spoken openly about how he desperately wanted to make AP happy when she seemed so miserable. Something I haven't mentioned, because I was honestly still accepting it myself, is that he brought her a specific gift she said her partner 'refused to buy' for her. It really is addiction-like: she gave him lots of validation and told him how special he was, and he rushed to give her attention and a gift, and it became a loop he couldn't get out of.

It blows my mind that this happened in the space of 2 weeks... and I know to many of you the timeline sounds farfetched and possibly fake. But while I'm trying not to be naive, I know my husband inside out. He experiences very strong emotions, always has, and gets very easily 'hooked' on rewarding projects/people/plans. As unlikely as it seems, it is also well within the realm of possibility that things really did get this emotionally intense, this fast. That could also explain why he's now going through this phase of rug-sweeping and wanting to move on. The negative emotions he has now are overwhelming him in the opposite direction...

His bumps and bruises might be real, but he's just going to have to wait until your injuries are attended to first.

That doesn't mean you can't acknowledge or address any issues he might have, but you're definitely the priority now. Any pre affair issues will have to take a back seat until the most major injury is dealt with and stabilized. That's going to take some time.

Thank you Pogre, that's a good way to put it. I'm committed to making this better later, but I just can't rug sweep. It's too painful at the moment. I can feel my brain and body need time to heal - it's weird how physical the reaction is.

It blows my mind that this happened in the space of 2 weeks... and I know to many of you the timeline sounds farfetched and possibly fake.

From the first inappropriate conversation to my wife ending up in a hotel room with her AP took about a month and a half. The physical part of her affair had been going on for 2 weeks when I found out and dumped a bucket of cold water on it. They had worked together for years tho. I wish, I would really give about anything to be able go back in time and my wife come to me 2 weeks into it and admit where it was going. She does now, too.

People can get swept up pretty fast once the ball gets rolling. Any impropriety might only have been going on for 2 weeks, but they worked together and got to know each other for quite a bit longer I'm assuming. There may have been some tension between them for quite a while before it actually became inappropriate.

Workplace affairs are one of, if not the most common type there is. You can spend a lot of time with co workers, getting to know one another. I know. My wife's AP was a co worker.

It really does seem so common. Thank you for sharing your experience. And yes, WS and AP have worked together just over a year, but in the last six months she spent more time with his friendship group outside of the office, so they have gotten to know each other more.

I’m going to be slightly long-winded, but I need to explain something to you. We have, in the US, seen the most happy, go lucky citizens of the world come together and have the time of their lives. I did not even know a soccer tournament was going to be here and yet I’ve been caught up in just watching how much fun everyone is having. That’s what human beings are meant to do. We are meant to just dig, in plant corn, have mules, climb trees to get honey, take a bow and arrow, and shoot a deer, and hope and pray one or two of our children will live to be adult adults. That’s our history. We were Hunter gatherers who never knew from one day to the next whether we would all eat or not. It meant that every man who was able-bodied had to learn to throw a spear or pull a bow an arrow. If women wanted to do it that was fine. Women had babies constantly until she either died in childbirth or aged out of childbirth. Women could find honey and feed the family or dig up roots and throw things on the fire or find some edible plants. That was our lives. But we were busy physically all day long. Now we sit in offices or occasionally go visit someone but we are not asking of ourselves to do the same things we used to do thousands of years ago, and yet our bodies haven’t changed. We still need a lot of of that hyper active physicality. What we’ve put in place are people in offices who flirt with each other because they have nothing else to do other than look at figures on a page or try to type up something on a computer. We are fighting our own humanity. The only answer for people like you is to get your husband out of that office and away from those friends and have the two of y’all join a gym together, walk together, bike together, hike together. You need to get busy with each other and not other people. It does not mean you shouldn’t have friends because of course you should, but his friendships should be home with you and the neighbors. Not someone you barely know in his office. That’s completely abnormal for most of humanity.

Thanks Cooley2here, I've always felt something along these lines very deeply! It's why we've always done crafting, renovating our home, volunteering in our community. It makes such a massive difference. I completely agree that offices are a very unnatural setting for human beings! I am thinking that one of the items on our reconciliation map/plan should be a new shared physical hobby. We used to go dancing a lot when we were dating, so that could be one.