SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

12 step for masturbation? Is the theory that he has sexual addiction, and if so was that diagnosed by a professional?

Masturbation isn’t "wrong", nor is having BDSM tendencies or wanting a dom/slave relationship. This isn’t like having a drug-issue or gambling addiction.

If he has those tendencies and they are dominant enough in his mentality, then expecting him to change might be like asking a gay person to turn heterosexual.

What is wrong in this situation is for someone to be in an assumed "normal" heterosexual relationship while wanting to be in some other form of emotional and/or sexual relationship, and actively pursuing that.

I think there is a lot of truth in what Bondjanebond wrote. But we can't tell exactly how this would unfold and I bet he can't either. You have no kids but you do have a lot of time invested and it sounds like he has a number of qualities that you really appreciate. So, you can 1) dump him now or 2) you could see if a plan to moderate some of these impulses he has is even possible. Either way is a respectable decision imo as long as you admit to yourself there has to be a clear goal and timeline with option 2.

Sexual kinks are a continuum and most people can moderate how they include them in their life. Your bf is obviously not meeting your expectations with this so far. An Important question is... what would success look like to you if you chose option 2? Can you define that? If so, you could then see if he would think that is a good goal for him too. If he doesn't agree, you can't align even on the goal, then that tells you a lot about your chances of success here. If you can align, then maybe you give him a chance with therapy, experimentation etc to get near that goal. Or just end it now if it all seems too overwhelming.

Here are a few thoughts on the bdsm side of things. He likely has very detailed fantasies that he wants enacted. Ironically, that means he actually wants to control whoever he would be with so they do exactly what he wants. Not really a submissive posture is it? But it actually sounds like you might be open to some experimentation as a dominant. You hit him in the face, right? That's quite a bit more than most people would be willing to try for sure. He needs to understand that you would need time to get up to speed with how to be dominant. That is a process every beginner needs. If you decide to stay with him and try to make some compromise work, then I think you should be the one to see the dominant. Why? To learn and be coached. If you then say I hate this, so be it. Or maybe you'll say, wow, this isn't too bad now that I know what to do. Who knows?

But if this is all too much and too crazy, you can walk away and no one will look down on you one bit.

Just a thought...something resonated with that comment about his kink being like being gay- it does feel deep inside him...He says it is a part of his identity...I do think I am open to letting him see a professional Domme. Once his death grip is over and a few months down the line and we have salvaged something of our own sex life. We have been talking alot and communication has been better. I think he will see it as a spiritual experience, I am not ok with him seeing the women he who he already talked with - but if it was a different dominatrix and a boundary would be he couldn't see the same one twice (I'd be concerned he catch feelings- might be a risk anyway) maybe an arrangement can be made...I think it is important to keep an open mind..That comment cleared my head. I'm also aware of the people pleasing comment someone said and I get that but I don't want to see him oppressed, I talked to my domme friend who said it is more akin to a massage for some. Maybe it could become a biyearly thing...where he can only do it abroad? I think boundaries would have to be established in counselling but maybe this is possible. I'm also aware that if it all falls flat on its head...I may feel resentful...If he can get his impulses under control a little , maybe it would work. He hasn;t been responding that enthusiastically to my attempts and that is something I will address but my domme friend said many subs need doms to escape daily life- the stresses/ thoughts etc...I don't know I'm spitballing but interested in comments

[This message edited by Ihopeyouaresomewhere at 5:48 AM, Saturday, February 28th]

Unless you are ok with him having sexual encounters with other women (ad I understand is not a thing that you are ok with), I do not understand why to put yourself through this.

Fantasies are an important aspect of what drives people with character flaws to cheat. Are you truly sure is what you want to feed?

I hope, I don’t want to get in an argument with another person on your site, but I would like to stress again that as much as you’ve tried to change to please your husband, it hasn’t worked. You are still the person you were and your sexual interests are still the same as they were. That’s why I stated that it’s very hard, if not impossible, for someone to change their sexual interest. Interest is really too mild a word. Their sexual being. How they define themselves and how they define what they get sexual satisfaction from. Your husband might be able to tone down some things and you might be able to turn up a few things, but the truth of the matter is you’re still going to be you and he is still going to be him. I will agree with others that there might be enough in your relationship otherwise to continue on with this marriage, but I’m guessing that this issue is not going away. I hope for your sake it does, but I’m pretty realistic about human nature.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 2:53 AM, Saturday, February 28th]

would like to stress again that as much as you’ve tried to change to please your husband, it hasn’t worked. You are still the person you were and your sexual interests are still the same as they were.

I agree with Cooley. Your kind of attachment and sexuality seems healthy, it is unlikely you will intentionally develop kinks to please one partners, because that HAS to become the main course for how he envision your intimate life.

And still, will probably not be enough. He will seek other women.

Is not impossible to rewire your being into his kinks, but you will have to provoke the same kind of traumas and coping mechanism and fantasies that made this attractive to him in the first place. From a woman perspective too, so the template might be different.

That means changing and damaging your "self identity" long term. And you still may find it repulsive or off putting.

Is it really worthy?
That's what you must answer first.