SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As the betrayed spouse, I went back and forth regarding whether to stay or leave for many months.

That’s normal.

What I needed:

-complete disclosure about everything
-a written timeline of his affairs, including everything he could remember about what they did and talked about, when it began, his emotional status during the affair
-for him to stop saying "it wasn’t physical, it was just emotional" because that did not help
-him to verbalize complete understanding of what he did and why he did it
-for him to verbalize that NONE OF IT was my fault
-to see him doing reading and therapy to work on why he did this and how never to do it again
-to see that he understands MY pain
-for him to stop wallowing in his own damn self-pity, man up, own what he did and provide me with an action plan he made himself in order to make repairs and recover the relationship

Right now, if you are crying all day out of your own feelings of guilt and shame, the you have made this all about yourself and your sadness since DDay. That is WAY WRONG. While you feel badly about what you did, take that and multiply it by a thousand, and you might get close to how your wife feels. Then, set aside your own pain and work on how to alleviate HERS. In that process, you will not only help her, but also make huge progress in removing the selfishness that started this affair in the first place.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it’s true. Get outside of your self-pity and ask her what SHE NEEDS every single day, every time you’re feeling bad, every time you see her feeling down. Change your focus.

All you can do is keep apologizing and acknowledge her pain. If she doesn't want to talk about it, that's her wanting space and you should give it to her.

Romantic or marital betrayal is a hell of a thing. I've seen it said many times that it hurts more and cuts deeper than the death of a loved one, and I can say that's been my experience as well. The average time frame for recovery is 2 to 5 years. Yes, years. And true reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress.

It sounds like you're doing a lot of the right things. A few small tips tho - don't minimize (ie: "it was only") don't rugsweep, and don't say things like "it was x amount of time ago," or "we need to move past/get over this." Do not shift any blame to her, the marriage, or some external source. This looks like "we grew apart" or "I felt alone" or "I wasn't getting what I needed from you" or "I was hurt and in a bad place" or "my mother had just passed" or whatever. None of those are legitimate reasons to have an affair. Nothing really is, period. This is something in you that allowed your boundaries to dissolve and turn to someone else instead of your wife. She may not be responding yet, and she may never, but not enough time has passed for her to remotely be getting over it.

It's different for everyone. Some people can learn to live with it, some just can't, and that's just the way it is. Note that I used the phrase "learn to live with it." I say that because I'm not so sure anyone ever truly "gets over it." It's something that's now a part of your story and it can't be taken back. Maybe some do truly get over it, but I have my doubts. Some can learn to live with it, tho, and some can come out the other side even stronger than before, but I think that's pretty rare. It is doable tho, with the right people.

Be there for her when she wants, give her space when she needs it. And buckle up, because she's going to be on an emotional roller coaster for quite a while. Reconciliation isn't for the feint of heart. It's a long, painful process, and there aren't any shortcuts.

Thank you all for your replies. I take everything on board what you have said.

Its a long road that im willing to stay on and put het first before myself. I totally own what i have done and have never blamed her for it.

My biggest struggle was my lack of communication to her always used to eat everything up to myself which led me to depression and things happening in family which knocked me over the edge and made the wrong choice in getting emotional comfort elsewhere.

I will never give up on this women.. my love for her after councilling has got stronger even though we arent together is that normal ?

my love for her after councilling has got stronger even though we arent together is that normal ?

Yes, I think it's natural for you to feel like your love is stronger after almost losing her. Perhaps you now realize just how much she really means to you. I hope it's not too late.

My wife had a bad seizure one night a few years ago that lasted for almost 5 minutes. She stopped breathing for a minute or 2 and I called the paramedics. She pulled out of it and was fine within a few minutes after she recovered from the seizure. I saw her differently after that night. We had been married about 22 or 23 years at that point and I think I pretty much took her for granted. After a scare like that, the thought of losing her woke something up in me. I realized I still love(d) her very deeply. I guess sometimes it takes almost losing someone to drive the point home.

Obviously that's a different situation that wasn't of my making, but I think there might be enough of a similarity there in as far as almost losing someone you love. I never wanted to take her for granted again, and it made me realize that life is fragile and can be snuffed out, out of nowhere, in an instant. I was terrified I might lose her that night.

Then I kind of did lose her a few years later when she had an affair with someone else who also has epilepsy. Now the shoe is on the other foot and she's terrified of losing me. It almost did end us, but she's been busting her ass to make things right again. If it wasn't for the way she handled/is handling things I wouldn't have stayed. It's been a little over 10 months since d day now. She really broke my heart and we're still working to recover from it.

Is your partner playing hard to get or is she truly done.

She's under no obligation to offer Reconciliation. If she's truly done, wouldn't the best course of action for you be to honor her wish?

I understand that you want to be with her, but that doesn't mean she wants to be with you. R takes 2 partners doing a lot of work. If your BS doesn't want to do the work, you can't R.

What has your BS said or done that indicates she doesn't really want what she says she wants?

Sisoon.. im not quiet sure if she is playing hard to get.. i feel i get a hell of alot of mixed signals along with warmth from her a times with sudden coldness.

Ive had many people who are around us say we are looking better and seem to be getting on much more after seeing a difference in myself, when ive mentioned this too her she gets defensive and trys to shut it down of how others close family members have seen us. People say maybe she wants too make you feel the way she has felt through all this.

She may well be done and no return but i still feel there is something there thats why i cant and wont give up yet.

My only struggle due to us living together but working full time jobs shes not able to get alot of free space which i want her too have. We have a busy life outside of work with our 2 young children.

This may seem obvious and perhaps not the brightest thing to ask in this scenario but have you asked her WHAT SHE WANTS IN THIS SITUATION? WHAT MIGHT START MAKING IT RIGHT FOR HER?

Instead of just telling her how sorry you are, which is obviously true, but it doesn't seem to move the ball forward, so I would focus not on how bad you feel, or even how much you want to be with her - I would think you've made that clear by now, but what she would need to start putting things right again and wanting to recover from this. WHAT DOES SHE WANT OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE?

I'm capitalizing this stuff to emphasize the kinds of things I think you can ask her. I get the impression, and I might be wrong of course, that's she trying to punish you, this is her way of punishing you for what you did, and that could go on for a while. Only she can tell you and she may not even know herself. I don't remember what you said about counseling but if she can get it to sort our her own feelings and how she wants to proceed it might be helpful. I know this can be hard to get with the NHS.

At some point, in my opinion, she has to let you know what she wants to do or proceed, because this can't go forever especially as it's upsetting the children.

One thing I'd recommend you try to do yourself is to calm down and try to engage in some positive activities with yourself and your kids - try to find some fun things to do. Offer to include your wife if she's willing but if she's not - try to do them anyway. Staying in the gloom is not helping you, it's probably making you less attractive as a man. Show her that you can be the big responsible guy she can rely on - I think that might help.