SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

words are a tool to connect with the outside our internal emotions.

They are powerful, but they are only one of many tools.

You can say plenty of things, when you say nothing at all.

Your partner will feel it, if your emotions for her are now pure.

After 5 years my wife would not talk details any longer. Feelings or thoughts but she didn't want to rehash the details. I have resented that decision ever since. I think the guilt and shame had taken thier toll. I think she needed to heal from both and having your spouse parade through it over and over was not working for her. I was looping that much I could agree on. She will discuss certain things but sexual details she no longer goes over. The resentment is crushing some days but my healing is on me so I'm 12 years out and going into EDMR. Retirement is looming and I cannot be with my own thoughts. Truthfully she did say she was selfish, never loved the guy, almost destroyed her life and almost lost me and the kids. That she despised her AP. That was something that helped immensely. But it was probably too late because the damage to me was long done. So off to get help I go.

FeelingVeryLow,

Everything might have been said. However, that does not mean everything has been heard or believed. Silence to a betrayed often feels like something is hidden. Silence is a trigger! It may not be the case, but it is important that you understand that trust was brought to its knees when you chose to cheat.

I do not wish to be hard on you. I honestly believe that waywards suffer equally if not in some cases more than the betrayed. I’m just stressing that if your wife isn’t through talking or asking questions, it is important that you understand that not "…everything has been said."

Asterisk

T/J - @jailedmind,

About 4 years out, I played a CD with a song that included endless repetition of a word that sounded like ow's name. W asked if I was trying to rub her nose in her A. I told her truthfully, that I hadn't made the connection, that I had no intention of attacking her.

We talked some, and W said that any mention of the A dumped her into shame. I said again that I had no intention of that. If I asked a question, it was because I wanted the info. I said I thought she realized I stopped wanting to shame a couple of years earlier. She brightened at that. For a while I prefaced every comment or question with something like, 'I am asking this to help me, not to put you down.'

Since then, if one of us - usually me, though it's not more than 2-3 times/year - brings up her A, she can access and share her thoughts and memories without significant affect - it's just part of a conversation.

If you want to talk about something to help you solve your own issues, your W might respond well to your saying so. Not guaranteed to work, but it might.

End T/J

IOW, fvl, my reco is to ask what your BS wants to hear, and do your best to provide it. For many of us, the A is so awful that it takes dozens of iterations at least to begin to integrate it into our life stories.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:06 PM, Wednesday, February 25th]

Another thing is the trauma has affected my memory. I find it hard to remember so many things now. The impact is great.

I’m trying to find an item of my child’s that I put down yesterday and have no idea where I put it. It’s not just what he has said.

My reconciliations isn’t going well so I’m not the best one to ask about that. Over time I’ve lost respect for his avoidance and general pathetic ness (which I know isn’t a real word).

So although your memory may be okay, she may genuinely not remember everything you have told her. She may not even remember the conversations.

Take her at her word. Tell her not to worry if she’s asked it a thousand times. Tell her you will do your best to answer. That it’s your fault you are in this mess. I no longer ask and I promise you, you don’t want her to be where I am (assuming you want to reconcile). Now I answer my own questions, it saves his discomfort and an inevitable arguement, and the answer is a variety of ‘I guess it’s because he was a loser’ or ‘he has no integrity’ or ‘yep maybe he’s out cheating - oh well - least he’s out of the house’. He no doubt thinks my silence is good. It’s not. Some days I play a game to see how long I can avoid talking to him.

Shame really, as I got why he cheated. I could see poor traits and had he got stuck in maybe it would be different. Trickle truth killed it for me. It’s hard to respect a liar. Did he love me- yes I’m very sure he did. Did he think it would cause this much mess - no he didn’t. But I believe the traits that allow people to cheat are the same traits that mean they find it hard to do the work to reconcile.

Smile, apologise and tell her to ask away. Text, letter, in person but ask a thousand times if she needs to. Put it this way if she needs to ask a thousand times every time she asks you are one question closer. Tell her that! Sometimes Thank her for asking, she could just answer her own questions. And you don’t want that.

And I know I need to sort my life out

He no doubt thinks my silence is good. It’s not. Some days I play a game to see how long I can avoid talking to him.

Same here.

I am actually disappointed she takes the silence and not bringing up the subject as "oh well, maybe finally he has forgotten about my betrayals and affairs".

The BS silence is not, in my case is a test.
That she fails epically every day.

The comments about the silence hit home hard. The last couple days I could tell something was weighing on my wife and the how are you feeling questions were met with a "fine" even though I knew something was definitely not fine. I should have asked way more specifically and been open that I could feel the distance.

Tonight the flood gates opened and we had a few hours of really emotional discussions. She indicated it is hard for her to know how to raise the issues. I told her the onus is on me to drive these discuss. We agreed to talk at the same time every night and I will ask what triggers and ruminations she had that day (her request).

Still have to fight the same avoidant tendencies that contributed to so many issues we have. No new ground covered tonight, but that is fine. I have no issue answering questions again and again (that is actually the easier part for me vs knowing what to say when she is just venting).

Appreciate the comments.

She indicated it is hard for her to know how to raise the issues. I told her the onus is on me to drive these discuss.

Super ... how are you going to tell if she has issues, though, or what those issues are? Can you read her mind?

We agreed to talk at the same time every night and I will ask what triggers and ruminations she had that day (her request).

Great - really. But your W has to realize the onus is on her to raise the issues that need resolutions, unless you're among the very few human beings who can read other people's minds.

*****

Most mind-reading is really reading the non-verbal communications that you receive from a person. IMO, though, you and your W probably can't read each other as well as you could long ago and as well as you'll be able to in the future, if you continue to relate to each other.

My reco is to be explicit with each other. Use words, and make sure that you know what each word means, to the best of your ability.

*****

IMO, one of the reasons people cheat is that they don't communicate honestly and clearly about their issues. The thing is: an issue to one may not be an issue to the other, but all issues need some sort of resolution. It's up to the person with the issue to raise it; otherwise, it's too likely fester and come out at inopportune times.

You're the only one who can raise your issues. Your W is the only one who can raise hers.

*****

IMO, R is a process of resolving issues. The sooner an issue is raised, the smaller it is, and the easier it is to resolve. Once you start resolving issues, it becomes easier and easier, and if you resolve them early, you'll have many fewer big issues.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:36 PM, Sunday, March 1st]