SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

NumbandBroken (and everyone else on here): I’m having a rough couple of days. Although when I think logically (this doesn’t happen often these days but it does happen sometimes) I know that space and time apart will most likely be good for both of us, there is a part of me that feels like it’s the beginning of the end. I am stuck in a "crying all the time or just about to" mode like I was 2 months ago and having trouble holding onto the progress we have already made. I know it can all be gone in an instant—he can do all his soul-searching and decide he just can’t give 100% to this marriage and I have to deal with that. We have both decided that less than "all in" is not what either of us wants so that will be the end for us. And it just makes me so sad to think of that possibility. I know all the positive talk I should be having with myself but I just don’t have the heart to listen to any of it right now. Our planned time apart starts one week from today. I am just pissed at the universe today.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a rough few days. It’s such a rollercoaster isn’t it. But you have to allow yourself the bad days and it’s all part of the process.
You meant every word of your vows when you were married and have remained faithful to him ever since. So, to find out that he has disrespected you so terribly is crushing.
I don’t think our H’s have ever realised the damage they were causing us. Probably because they thought we’d never find out.
I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with my H so it is incredibly frightening to think that he’s not going to be in my life anymore.
And it’s changed things massively for my sons, although I am encouraging and supporting them to try and rebuild their relationship with him after finding out this news.
Take one day at a time and go with the emotions you’re feeling. It’s all part of the healing process.
I wish I could offer you advice but this is all completely new to me too. But I know others on here will be able to.
Just hope it helps a little to know I underhand x

I understand your pain and devastation.

Are you also fearful he will use this time to "date" seeing that you are separated?

Have you had a discussion about that?

The1stwife: no that is not the main issue but there is certainly a tiny fear of that. We are actually going to "date" each other during this time. Of course anything is possible as I have sadly learned, but I do believe he is committed to giving us every chance possible and is working on moving on emotionally from the past with her so he can be 100% in this marriage with me. And it would be extremely difficult for them to be in contact even if he did want to as her husband has all her devices and whereabouts completely locked down. Of course I am not so naive as to believe it couldn’t happen anyway but he knows that would be a dealbreaker for me and I just don’t think he is going to go there. My biggest fear is that he won’t be able to get her out of his head/heart to give this relationship the full attention it deserves. We had an 80% marriage before and we are not going to settle for that again. Anyway, we had a good talk last night and I am feeling better today. I just hate dealing with this every day and those really down days are so hard to get through. I am working on trusting the process but hate the slowness of it all. Thanks for your support and I’ll keep you posted.

NumbandBroken: I guess we’re on the same rollercoaster but I wish I had the choice to get off. At least we can sit together in the front seat, hands up, and try to ride it out together. About our kids; Our younger son (29) is special needs and lives with us. He can be a bit self-absorbed so we are going to try not telling him about this for now. We can explain the time apart as work-related and see if that flies. I would rather he didn’t know unless we can’t work this out as he will become very worried and fixated on it and honestly I don’t think I have the energy to help him through this. My other son lives on his own so doesn’t need to know for now. We will regroup after 3 weeks and see what we need to do from there. Sounds like telling your sons has been very difficult and I just don’t think I have the strength to help anyone but myself right now. None of this is easy and none of it was our choice but the hard reality is that we are in it now and we’re all just trying to do the best we can. Take care

This may be to be the worst you have to endure. Many of us hit our rock bottom 3-6 months out from d-day. It's excruciating, but life does get better.

Whether this is the worst or not, Feeling your feelings lets them go. The grief you feel is normal - you are processing the feelings that come with a big loss, so ... lots of feelings - and it takes time to process lots of feelings. Manyof us get stuck in anger. Getting to grief this early is beneficial. (IF you're not aware of anger ... don't worry - it will come.)

One of my fears early on was that we'd do the work, and my W would decide she didn't really want to be with me. That's a real fear, and it's a real possibility. IOW, like you, I feared that my W might really want to dump me. A couple of thoughts helped me a lot.

But that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. If one really does the work, one comes out stronger, knowing what one wants and probably being more effective in getting what one wants. So I consoled myself with thoughts like: if W wants D, I'm better off with D, too, even though I want R.

First, I realized that I might decide I didn't want to be with my W after we had done the work. I had power, too.

Second, and more comforting, I remembered that we got together for both healthy and unhealthy reasons. The work we had to do to R reduced the number and power of unhealthy bonds, and that made the healthy ones relatively stronger. We had chosen each other once. It was very likely we'd choose each other again.