Four weeks on from DDay

So, just over a month ago, I found out that my H had been living a double life for the last 21 years (see my previous post).
He had started seeing this other woman back in 2003. A full on sexual relationship for 15 years, always when I thought he was at work.
Then she moved away but their contact continued via phone and text sex chats.
So I had absolutely NO idea about any of it until I became suspicious about phone activity and found her number all over his itemised bill.

You were all so helpful when I first posted about this - thank you again.

Fast forward 4 weeks. We have spent a LOT of time talking and talking and talking. He answers every question I put to him. And when I say I’ve got another one, he said it’s fine and he’ll do whatever I need him to do.

Who knows if it’s all 100% accurate bearing in mind he’s lied to me for 21 years. But considering the details he’s given me about everything, I can’t believe there’s much more that he’s kept back to be fair, as I’ve asked absolutely everything and every sordid detail.

He said he has never once considered the enormity of what he’s done. Never once thought about how wrong it was or how much it would hurt me and our kids.

He has cut off the OW - sent her final texts saying he won’t be contacting her ever again. Changed his phone number etc.

He’s cried, he’s never blamed me for anything.
Said it’s all his fault and that he’s always loved me and our kids, always found me attractive, loved our sex life and has never felt unhappy with me at all. Said he can’t complain about a thing therefore has absolutely no idea why he’s done this. It’s as if he saw no consequences at all?

He wants to get professional help to try and understand why he has behaved in this way.

He was diagnosed with ADHD years ago (after our youngest son was). I’ve been researching it and wondered whether this could account for some of it?
Most definitely not making excuses or giving him a get out clause at all, which I’ve told him.
But something he can maybe talk to a professional about because this is the part that is causing me a lot of issues.

He says there was nothing wrong with us, our marriage, our sex life, so why has he done this all these years? And with absolutely no guilt or remorse of thought of it all blowing up?

We are still trying to find IC (we’re in the UK so no point going to our GP as we’ll be waiting months to see anyone) so trying to find someone private. But would rather go to someone recommended but not an easy thing to ask for when hardly anyone knows what’s going on.

I still don’t think any therapist will be able to help me get past this 21 year affair/relationship and enable me to remain in this marriage. But when I see him answering all my questions, taking full responsibility and doing everything I’m asking, I feel that 4 weeks is way too early to make a final decision after being with someone for almost 30 years. Even if he has treated me so appallingly for most of that time.
Thanks for listening.

26 comments posted: Thursday, December 12th, 2024

Just had my whole life turned upside down

Hi, I’m new to this group. Thank you for offering me a safe and confidential place to speak.
I’ve been with my Husband for almost 30 years.
Married for 25 years. 2 adult children in their 20’s.

A few weeks ago I found out that my Husband has been having an affair - well not an affair, living a second life - for the last 21 years.
I’m in a complete state of shock and disbelief.
I had absolutely NO idea.

I won’t bore you with all the details but we’ve had (what I thought) a good marriage. We’ve never rowed. We have little moans at one another but we’ve never had the need to argue.
We laugh at the same things, we have similar interests.
We’ve had lots of wonderful holidays over the years.
People that know us say we’re an amazing couple and family.

We’ve had lots of trying times over the years (bereavements, usual family ups and downs) but we’ve always been there for one another and supported one another. He’s my best friend too and he says that I’m his.

Looking back over the last 30 years, we’ve always been happy. Our sex life has been fine, we’ve supported one another with work and home life. I’ve never seen any issues and that’s the honest truth. And he says the same.

However, recently I thought he was on his phone a lot and, seeing as he said he was cutting down on his social media time, I couldn’t understand what he was using his phone for. That gut feeling kicked in.

So, I looked at his itemised phone bill. And there it was. The same telephone number repeated throughout his bill for the last 12 months.
Texts, phonecalls. And the phonecalls were always when I wasn’t around.

So, I found the number in his phone. It wasn’t saved with a name but under a "#".

I confronted him and he turned my world upside down.

He’s been seeing this woman for the last 21 years.

Since our kids were little. For the first 15 years they would meet for sex as she lived locally. Then she moved away so they have kept in touch ever since via phonecalls and text messages for general conversation and sex chat.

I never suspected a thing. And that’s the honest truth. Apparently he used to see her when he was working. Or lie to me about what hours he was working and then see her. So I just thought he was at work and never had any reason to think he could be elsewhere.

We’ve spent the last 2 weeks taking non stop about it. He’s answered every question I’ve put to him. I’m hoping truthfully.

He says he doesn’t love her. Has never loved her. And has never wanted to leave me for her.
He said he loves me and our kids and has absolutely no idea why he felt the need to have her in his life. He said it was just sex that was "offered on a plate".

I’ve told him that it’s a relationship, a second life. Much more than an affair. But he’s told me that, although they got on and had good chats, he doesn’t want her and never has.

I’ve told him he must a connection with her for the contact to have lasted so long. He said any connection would just be a friendly one. Someone to chat to. Even though we chat about things.

I’m not sure he knows exactly how much this has devastated me. I feel like the last 21 years of my life,
Marriage and family have been a lie. A sham. I look at him and I don’t know him.

Of course he’s remorseful. Said he’ll do whatever it takes to get through this. But he’s only remorseful because he’s been found out. If I hadn’t have had a gut feeling something wasn’t right it would still be going on. They’d still be having their sordid little sex chats and I’d be none the wiser.

He wants us to get some counselling. He said he has something wrong with him because he doesn’t know why he’s done this when he loves me and has everything at home. But I don’t know whether a counsellor can help me see past this? It’s gone on for way too long.

I look at all the family photos around our house and it all seems a sham. He’s tainted the last 21 years of my life and family.

I’m going from feeling completely numb, to upset, to disbelief and back to numb again. I haven’t been angry and I don’t know why. It just doesn’t seem real, this can’t be true.
I’ve told a few people close to me and they can’t believe it either. But our kids don’t know yet. It will devastate them if they are told.

What do I do? Do I give counselling a try? Or is this just too big to work with?
I feel like I’m living in a horrible nightmare and I’m going to wake up soon.

21 comments posted: Tuesday, November 19th, 2024