SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Pink

My wife’s best friend has been divorced for... wow... 15-20 years? Her ex husband suffers from mania-depression and substance abuse. They have 3 kids that are now all somewhere between 25 and 40 years old.
For years there would be some connection... Nothing physical, nothing relationship or relational based. But more that she (the friend) would be running around town paying his debts, getting him out of jail, giving him a couch to sleep on when he was homeless and so on. He tried to take his life every now and then, was hospitalized every now and then... Basically a one-sided relationship where he made withdrawals at her emotional expense.

It took her immense courage and strength to detach. I think the clincher was when she was refused admission to the ER because – as a FORMER wife – she had no legal connection to him. Sort of like society shaking her by the shoulders and screaming "why are you doing this? You fired him years ago!"

In some ways the kids took over the role. Heck... last Christmas the had to take turns sitting with him in ICU. He owed the wrong people money, and had a tube shoved up his behind, strands of barbed wire into the tube and up his a... and then the tube withdrawn... This guy –now has a stoma and lives mainly on soups and mush (in between his sips of whatever booze he can get).

Although the situation impacts the grown kids his ex-wife – my wife’s friend – has managed to detach. If the next call she gets is about his passing – due to lifestyle, by his own hand or murder – she knows she has no role or no responsibility...

Took my wife’s friend maybe 10 plus years to reach this stage and realize this. Ten hard years.

I hope that if/when this ends in divorce you realize, accept and learn to settle with that his actions are his actions.

If the next call she gets is about his passing – due to lifestyle, by his own hand or murder – she knows she has no role or no responsibility...

I guess I do feel some responsibility, whether I truly do have responsibility or not is something I'm grappling with. And is why I'm still helping him somewhat.

He spent 2 years emotionally involved with another woman. I ended the relationship. She ended their relationship. He attempted suicide and I refused to allow him to return home when he was released from hospital. He was displaced and basically homeless I guess. I just knew that if I allowed him back into the home, we'd be going through another cycle of somebody with BPD. I've been through enough cycles over 17 years. NO MORE.

He is finding it difficult to get somewhere to live due to the housing crisis here. He does have veteran's programs helping and assisting him. Most of his possessions are still here. Because he is having so much difficulty, I have felt guilty and that is why I allow his stuff to still be here.

When the hospital called me on the weekend, they were trying to find SOMEONE to get in touch with his family. They found my name in the hospital records. I gave as much background as I could, but then messaged his granddaughter who is the only family member in contact with him, and also a good friend of his who lives too far away to visit. Sort of handed it over to them.

The universe was looking out for me in some way, as just as I got the call from the hospital, positive test results for whooping cough came through for me. That rendered me unable to go and visit him. I just hated that he has NOBODY. Self inflicted I guess.

That is awful what happened to your friend's ex (barbed wire etc - who even thinks of that stuff???)

Whooping cough - negative review. Zero stars. Do not recommend.

[This message edited by PinkBerry at 10:14 PM, Monday, November 18th]

Removalists are coming this week to take his stuff, organised by him.

More things are coming to light. There’s been this plastic storage box of his that he moved in with 5 years ago. It’s within view, not hidden away or locked. I felt compelled to go through it today.

I found a number of things that connected some dots over the 17 years we’ve known each other….but this one….on military paperwork letterhead - he has Munchausen Syndrome. It explains a lot.

That diagnosis doesn’t change anything for me now on a practical or relationship level, but I read it is often connected to BPD and NPD which I’ve touched on earlier in this thread.

Maybe I knew what was in that storage box but not prepared to look. Now I have. There’s other stuff in there too that makes me sad.

The heart will catch up. Onwards.

Forgot to add (can’t find edit) that I found a 2 year DVO against him (domestic violence order) - not sure what you call them where you are) that was in place while I knew him. I’ve never heard the woman’s name before, and we weren’t together romantically at the time.

A DVO doesn’t necessarily mean physical violence, it may do, but it could be intimidation, stalking, fear, damage to property etc.

But the court granted the order and it says he was in court at the time, so he had the opportunity to speak to it. The judge ruled accordingly.

After you get 50 posts, then you should be able to see & use the edit button.

It's like going through the layers of an onion. I'm glad that you've been able to connect some dots, and really glad that somebody else is coming to move his stuff. Stay safe!

I’m a former cop and a father of daughters...
I have shared this before, but what came as the biggest shock in law-enforcement was the extent and damage of domestic violence.
DVO’s aren’t handed out like discount coupons... There is a reason for why a judge takes the time to go over and sign them. I would take that reason very seriously.

Without wanting to cause unnecessary panic or fear I suggest you take some precautions.
Have the doors to your home locked at all times.
If there is even the slightest chance he has a key, change locks. Chances are you can do this yourself with a Philips screwdriver and instructions from Google.
At the very least have a chain or some internal lock to secure your door.

Consider self-protection. I’m not big on guns, and certainly won’t recommend getting one if you have no previous experience, but bear-spray, a noise-maker, a security system, panic-button...

If he wants to meet, do so in public. If he insists it at home then conveniently have a friend over. The friend can go to another room, but the presence can provide safety.

I know this all sounds drastic, but keep in mind you thought you knew him and yet... what have you discovered lately...