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Thank you ink. I think you are right. It is like physical therapy. It’s like I don’t feel good afterwards like with any answer that he gives me but weeks later it’s like I’m a little bit better not enough for me to be OK but just a little bit.
I’ll slow down on the questions I don’t need answered and focus on what will help ME. I will struggle but I’ll get there.

Also emergent is the most ruthless but also must humble person to answer me here 😂😂

She’s alright in my book 😂😂

What? His triggers? Oh my. He isn't the one that was hurt and traumatized. He should be doing his best to avoid your triggers.

The WS heals the WS.
The BS heals the BS.
Together they heal the M.

In my personal experience, our brains scream during triggers that the pain is about the M and so the WS needs to heal us (with their answers).

But no. No, no, no.
Triggers are where the BS needs to heal the BS.

When you find yourself asking questions in anger, questions you already know the answers to, you are not going to be soothed by anything the WS says. It's a trap, a mind f@ck. Because when you are raging and your insides are bubbling in pain, the enemy is the things you are thinking and telling yourself.

It is you vs. you.
You vs. your brain.
You vs. the rabbit hole.
You vs. the lies and exaggerations you are telling yourself.
You vs. the attack on yourself.
You vs. your imagination.

Only you can learn to calm yourself, validate yourself, and take your power back from these overpowering emotions. You KNOW the answers, you know your power and value and worth, you know the ridiculously stupid, pitiful reasons this all happened, you know the truth. Now you just have to force yourself to believe it. That is one of the most powerful ways that the BS heals the BS, and it is one of the ways that FOO will try to rear its ugly head and tell us lies, lies we've been believing since childhood.

When the triggers come, try to self-soothe. The hurtful thoughts are coming from your own brain, so shut them down with your own positive thoughts and truths. (It takes practice.)

I used mantras, journaling, self-talk, self-care, walks, exercising. I snapped an actual rubberband on my wrist to shut the thoughts down and redirect myself! The thoughts were toxic, but they were coming from me. They were my own dragons to slay.

I felt so, so, SO much better when I improved at this and began making progress on my self-soothing and self-validation path. It gave me so much more emotional control than I had previously. It gave me personal strength and power. I knew who I was, I just had to start listening to myself. I knew the truth, so I had to start believing it.

The positive redirection would drop my blood pressure. The relief would wash over me. "He was selfish and lost, OIN. You know you are fantastic. His stupidity is his to own. It does not change your awesomeness. He has stolen nothing from you. You're good, even great. Just keep being you. This too shall pass."

You cannot change what happened, but you can change what you say to yourself about what happened. As Glinda the Good Witch said, "Just click your heals three times and say, 'I want to go home.' Dorothy, you had the power in you all along!" (Or something like that. Lol.) The BS heals the BS.

You've got this, Groot. You're getting stronger all the time.

I think asking your WS to avoid certain triggers is appropriate, especially early on, it can speed your healing. Yes, you will eventually need to work thru them but it helped me to put a few off and deal with them in turn.

OIN nails it.

I'll add: I experience triggers as pain coming to the surface to be released. It's not always a quick process, especially in the early years, but I let the triggers flow through my body - and out.

Also, although I'm not sure this is relevant, some things that are important to WS are trivial to BS, and vice versa. Maybe your WS gave some more TT here, but maybe it's something he just never thought was relevant.

He should have shared his triggers, but would you have been open to that? I was open to my W's sharing at first, but I reached a point at which I didn't want to hear it. 'Tell it to (therapist's name),' I said. Later, when W felt she had used her therapist too much, I told her to join SI and post on WS.

The above were my tactics. Alas, what worked for me probably will not work for you - but knowing what works for one person can help you figure out what works for you.

So much good advice here I’m so thankful I asked.

Maybe I should rephrase a bit. I think my H and I use triggers wrong. But to be fair he is allowed to have things that trigger memories about her. I think that was more or less what I was asking and what he answered. He dug in his memory and at that moment he remembered something that she always did , paint her nails a different color purple all the time. I don’t think he really cares too much I think he felt he had to give me an answer. I’ve told him small truths help build trust but I think we are going about it a little wrong. I’m creating new triggers for myself and I need to stop. I don’t care she painted her nails purple , I’ll be doing this soon to just not even let it bother me and my H will have to deal with it too. she doesn’t own that color plus I’ll wear it better .

i spoke in length to him about this yesterday.

sisoon, you are right i want to know dumb stuff but then hate hearing it , so im working on that.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 6:46 PM, Saturday, July 13th]