SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am not making excuses for your husband but I keep reading about predatory women who target men. Because sex is very close to the surface with most men they can get aroused even if they have no idea of cheating. So it sounds like she was water dripping on a stone wearing down any barriers he might have had. I will bet he feels like an absolute fool.

My husband was an out of town cheater. He travelled a lot and was young and immature. We have had a long marriage, several children and grandchildren. Do I worship him the way I did? No, but I would have lost those rose colored glasses anyway. Life does that but I like being married to him. Your husband sounds like a good man. A good man who has to live with seeing your pain. …that he caused.

Almost never do I believe in MC until the ws has therapy to figure out their mess. In this case I do believe in MC because I think you can get your marriage back on the track.

You can decide not to let her ‘fuck you over’. You can go for post-traumatic growth instead. Recovery takes a while. It sounds like you are doing some good processing. Writing. Creating. Getting angry. Grieving the loss of innocence. I suspect your OW not only had daddy issues but needed to hurt you, as some sort of sport, if your analysis of her psychopathology is correct, all sorts of transference going on there. So many people fall for affairs when they’re vulnerable and their resistance is low, after a death, supporting another with a life-threatening illness, it’s unbelievably text-book. Your OW playing your FWH for a KISA I’m guessing in some way sublimated his grief and impotency over your daughter’s condition. Does it excuse him? No. Not at all.

It sounds like you’ve both done good excavation work and are working as a team to exorcise her. Contrary to the OW’s intentions, you have survived her malevolence. To hell with her. Inside she’s stuck there (hell), you are not. Disempower her malevolence further.

[This message edited by Edie at 4:54 PM, Friday, March 31st]

Coming back to this to say you might be crossing the plain of lethal flatness. Where you can rest awhile inbetweenst high cortisol drama (why it feels particularly flat and lethal) and take stock. There’s an article in the Healing Library about it, and plenty opinion online elsewhere too. Keep your eyes on that horizon though.

Cooley, I very much hope your husband isn't still up to what you described. I assume not. I hope not.

We were in MC for several months and he continued on his own for about a year with the same therapist. He did additional work after that with another therapist and has made a lot of progress. I told him there was no future for us unless he dealt with what made him vulnerable to begin with because I wouldn't do this again. I didn't feel safe. I mean, it nearly finished me. He didn't just go down the rabbit hole himself, he took me and our family with him. He didn't protect us. What is that?

I think you're right, we probably could benefit from more MC. Frankly, I don't think I can do any more. People here say this gets better with time. Maybe the cure for my triggers is just time. I don't know.

I don't think you're making excuses for him by saying he was targeted. I think he was too actually. And I think she was a predator. I blamed my husband for it all initially, but as I reread their emails, I saw things in her writing which were so strange, and repetitive, with layered meaning, they weren't coincidences. We showed the emails to several therapists who thought the same. Phew for me - whatever that meant. Great, the thing had a method even.

He was targeted. And he still betrayed me. He nearly wrecked me.

So what is the correct position to take? Love him so much, gloss it over so that he has permission to do it again? Steel myself so if he does it again I'm ready in advance? Walk away - just in case? I'm really at a loss here.

Oh wait - one more option: trust him. Not ready ...

I read about people who have come back here with DD2, DD3 ...

[This message edited by Elica at 8:42 AM, Saturday, April 1st]

Elica, my husband stopped traveling, opened a business which I help with and is such a homebody that he would have to travel at the speed of light to cheat again.
I don’t think he is perfect but for the most part he is a good guy.

Every one of us on this forum have made decisions about our WS. Each one of them made bad choices and we either live with that, or we don’t. This is your life. If you cannot tolerate it then that is your decision. No one likes to be preached at so ignore this if you disagree. You will never forget. I give myself several times a day to come here hoping to help. Otherwise I have a busy life and my husband’s cheating is not on my mind. If not being able to let go of resentment you might be better off divorcing. That is such a personal thing that only you know yourself enough to come to a decision. My one suggestion is to give yourself time to see if your resentment lessens.

Take care of yourself!

Oh wait - one more option: trust him. Not ready ...

Work on trust of self instead. It’s up to him to earn your trust.