SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How is 100% trust, all the time, going to help you or your partner?

Would you trust your partner if they had to go to a very high crime area for some reason, just because they said that they would be okay? I know that the issue should be that it is the situation/surroundings that you don't trust, but being that your partner SAID that they will be okay, we now MUST trust them? It's not logical, nor should we trust based on words alone, all the time, so that 100% trust can exist.

Now, what if your partner was on the slippery slope of an affair? What if our lack of trust of this situation helped our partner realize how recklessly they were behaving, and they got their footing underneath them? Wouldn't that lack of blind trust potentially help save multiple people from a lot of pain?

Trust is a great thing. It's a cornerstone of a strong, deep relationship. It doesn't, nor shouldn't...in my opinion...have to get to 100% or blind trust to be a better relationship. Usually, it's the opposite.

To me...

100% trust = can't, not possible, would never happen

99% = trust as much as a human can or should trust, anything is possible, never say never though

I trust me 100% to be fine no matter what life throws at me, and I trust me 100% to stick to my morals. But I do not trust me 100% to not mess up in some other way because I am a human being.

I trust my H somewhere in the 90-something % range. He's done a lot of work and lives much more honestly now. But he is still a human being, and there will never be a day that a human being is not capable of doing something hurtful or dumb.

Since I feel strong and trust 100% that I'll be fine, I can live with that.

It was never and is never going to be an impossibility that someone will hurt you. You are living in denial of reality. Trusting your strength of character and emotional resilience is what can calm you because that is the ONLY thing you can control. You understand that, right?

You can pinky swear on someone's grave all you want, but looking for other people to never, ever hurt you is unrealistic at best and a recipe for being taken advantage of at worst (if a vulture senses your need and vulnerability). Be confident in your ability to survive and stand on your own two feet. Be realistic in your approach to humanity. Surround yourself with the best options, and have tight boundaries with those who display red flags. No burying your head when the red flags pop up. People are not and will never be without faults and vulnerabilities.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:27 PM, Monday, March 6th]

jb3199 -- you said

Trust is a great thing. It's a cornerstone of a strong, deep relationship. It doesn't, nor shouldn't...in my opinion...have to get to 100% or blind trust to be a better relationship. Usually, it's the opposite.

Usually it's the opposite. Are you saying your strong, deep relationships are with people you do not trust (or trust completely)?

I would trust my partner if they were going to a high crime area. Why wouldn't I trust them? Are you saying that an affair is due to the situation/surroundings and not the WS?

OwningItNow -- I do not think i am looking for people to never hurt me. If you see something in my posts that indicate otherwise please let me know. I do believe that marriage vows are more than pinky swears. Thinking of my spouse as a vulture that is waiting for me to be weak so they can then take advantage is not an idea of marriage that I have ever thought through. Might you be willing to explain that a bit more?

I would trust my partner if they were going to a high crime area. Why wouldn't I trust them?

You wouldn't trust their judgement? You would have no concern that they could possibly get hurt in a high crime area, simply because they said 'trust me'? You are not allowed to trust their judgement, because you have 100% trust?

I'm allowed to question my wife's judgement. I should be able to question her judgement, as she should mine. Everybody doesn't always make the best possible decision every single time. Remember, we are talking about 100%, or blind trust. That is entirely different than 90+ percent trust.

JasonCh -

I do believe that marriage vows are more than pinky swears.

I agree completely. I held up my end of those vows.

Blind trust is still not a great idea. Blind trust is looking the other way and hoping for the best.

Blind trust ignores facts and human behavior.

It is math. Statistically, half of M end in D. A lot of those D include some level of infidelity, financial infidelity, substance abuse — all trust issues.

I trust my wife as much as is possible after infidelity. She works hard to show me she is safe and our communication is better than ever. But I can’t go with blind trust and HOPE it works out. I trust her and I care about her, but again, I trust me MORE and my experience. I know what bad behavior looks like and that is a COMFORT to me now (whether I stay in this M or move on to other relationships someday).

Thinking of my spouse as a vulture that is waiting for me to be weak so they can then take advantage is not an idea of marriage that I have ever thought through.

I certainly don’t see my wife that way and that’s not what my wife did the first time. I was NEVER weak, my wife was the weak one. She never saw her A as any kind of advantage, they were her lowest, worst days of her life. And she thought that before she eventually confessed her A. Even if we do D someday, her A to her, was never anything to brag about.

She is a better, wiser, stronger human now, and I appreciate that growth and that work, and how she has earned trust and continues to do so everyday.

For me I believe what wiseoldfool and chamomile tea said is mostly encompassing of how I view it.

I wanted to add:

I think fairytale love does with fairytale trust.

My mind went in two directions. one, it speaks to the loss of rose colored glasses. I don’t think that’s a negative thing. The picture is clearer without them and we still choose to stay. That is a testimony of a love stronger than we knew we had until faced with the decision. I am convinced you don’t make it through without love.

No one is "looking over their shoulder", instead I think they are saying they don’t have to. They know how it will go next time, they know what to look forof it starts and what their response will be. They know they will be okay. You can forgive and even trust but the forgetting part I believe that never happens.

The second thing I was thinking is none of us ever had fairy tale marriages. Some had the perception of one. If you need it to be a fairy tale. It still fits. Reconciliation after an affair takes a course many small miracles. They all have to align. Reconciliation fits in a fairy tale in the way it has a happy ending after the scary part is over. Lessons have been learned. There was transformation.

We all have a story and if you are a person who wants to have a romanticized version, there are ways that can be achieved in your framing. I’m the end we are all still talking about the same thing.

We can’t erase the part of the story that led to the biggest transformation of our lives. We can make it serve big purposes.