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I can’t stand using her actual name either, so I call her his ex girlfriend. Makes him so uncomfortable, lol.

It is my understanding that the OP put this thread in the Reconciliation Forum because they are looking for something constructive rather than namecalling.

Please remember that namecalling in this Forum is prohibited.

Yeah I don't mind namecalling of the AP, but the purpose of the word I'm looking for is for deploying in public to refer to her AP. I'm not totally sold on "xap", my own suggestion. And like I said, not looking to curse. I don't mind the vent/alternate words people use though.

What would be the use or purpose of the term?
Can make a difference…
It’s like the difference in using whore or escort when talking to a sex-worker. Basically both words describe the same action or "profession" but the former would imply more negativity. If I was interviewing or questioning one then asking her is she was a whore would be negative and aggressive, whereas asking if she was an escort would imply more dignity. Maybe the middle-ground there would be the term sex-worker.

Like if used during exposure the term for AP should probably not allow any romance or glory or have a positive twist to it. You don’t want to tell stakeholders something like "I would really appreciate your help in making my spouse realize that ongoing contact with his/her LOVER is dooming our marriage" because "lover" implies something positive.
At the same time when discussing issues relevant to reconciling then calling AP "weenerdick" or "slaggypussy" would be negative (even if possibly true…) and not constructive.

Affair partner is pretty middle-ground. If looking for a generic term for that person then I don’t really see anything much better than AP.

I usually use the shortened abbreviations too.

But I have been known to call Mr Uxor's xAP "She who will not be named", because I was tired of saying her name and hers is a name I liked before DDay (friends who have it). I felt like she didn't deserve to steal my good memories of her name on friends.

When I did that in therapy, it took my IC a moment to realize I was borrowing the idea from how Lord Voldemort was referenced in Harry Potter.

Yeah...I am that 50 something geek. So glad my IC understands my brain.

OK...my second post, just so you know I was reading and understanding your dilemma.

How to reference the person, shortly, concisely, and without the drama and trauma of having to publicly or privately pretend you are not triggered by saying their name (and let's all be honest - and imagining their name in our spouse's mouth and brain IS trauma itself).

Just some suggestions. Find some neutral words.

Words like: canvas, rug, remote, jar, vice, mallet, etc. It may feel good to make their name very insignificant in your day to day life.

Or humorous - a cartoon name or references, maybe from some show neither you or your spouse would watch. Old ones. Call the xAP Smurf or a LoonyTune (ok...that might be going a bit negative) but you get the picture. Maybe a muppet, or Sesame Street character.

I wish I had thought of these things before. There would have been a lot less, "you know who" and "She who will not be named" references.

Now that I think about it, Daphne Duck could be a good one for me use.

Or maybe just Duck.