SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Forget "kindnesss" and your obligation here.

It’s at the "time to make a decision" point in your life.

Please note I am not saying the decision is to D or R. The decision is are you going to let your lying cheating spouse continue to have control over you?

By control I mean allowing the behavior to continue. Allowing the lying to continue. Allowing the disrespect to continue.

The game changer for me was in dday2 when I stopped letting my H make the decisions about our marriage (that were obviously selfish). He expected me to wait 3 months for him to decide whether he wanted to D me for the OW. He expected me to watch him "date" the OW so I could be compared to her. Basically he was having me audition to remain his wife.

And I allowed it.

Until the day came when I stopped giving him control. I stopped letting him make any decisions concerning me or kids or our future.

Game changer.

Forget "kindnesss" and your obligation here.

An alternative way to put that, I think, is: Your first obligation is to yourself; you must be kind to yourself before you can be kind to others.

Put your own oxygen mask on first. The only way to sustain giving from your heart is to nurture your own health.

Well put Sisoon.

"time to make a decision"

I know its been a bit, but I just wanted to take a look at everything in this thread again now that I've had time to really let my emotions relax bit and thinking about things more logically. I again want to thank everyone who took the time to post something either as a hard truth, an encouraging word, or just a nod of understanding.

I am currently in the process of a separation. The goal is to move out, however there will be some time before that can happen. In the meantime I have taken up residence in the rear bedroom. I am just trying to make sure I remain respectful to her, and also to enforce my own boundaries. She is claiming remorse and understanding, but that has been pretty common in all of our previous situations. That is one reason I've always fallen back into the reconciliation trap. I believed her every time she swore that she was done doing these things to me. I believed each time that now, she finally gets it. And there was certainly some small period of what looked like real growth. Yet, here I am again.

I am terrified of being alone, and I am weak when it comes to protecting myself. I do understand, however, that I can overcome these issues if I really make the effort. I think that is one of the things that really shows the heart is that you put in effort for the things you desire. When I take a moment to look at our internet search history over the last week, its pretty clear what is important to each of us. My wife's history is full of work related stuff, and Facebook, and streaming shows. She is clearly concerned for her wellbeing atm, which is understandable to a degree. My internet history is affair recovery resources, biblical counseling, and google search rabbit trails looking for answers and advice.

Everything is finally adding up for me that no matter how badly I want to make something work between us, nothing good can ever come from a relationship where one spouse not only shatters the marriage, but refuses to really put in any true effort to fix it. All I can really do is try to break this cycle of hurting myself in order to protect someone who doesn't care much at all in return. Oh she'll tell me she loves me, that I mean everything to her, and that she doesn't want us to separate. Do those words really mean anything without action to back them up? I believed them before, and now I get to reap the harvest of my foolishness. It would make sense that going forward, I refrain from believing anything spoken that isn't backed up with real action. So, here is hoping I do just that.

Could she still make a genuine change and become a safe person? I believe it can happen. I just know those changes would take much time, and extreme effort. I cannot wait around hoping for that in the meantime. Not again.

Did you kind of rugsweep before? Is this the first real consequence your wife has faced?

If so, maybe it will actually have an impact on her. But either way, it sounds like you are thinking more clearly and the additional space should help with that. .

I’m sorry you are forced to make this decision but I think it is great you are putting yourself first.

Does your wife love you? Yes she does.

But I also think that she loves herself more and puts her own selfish needs ahead of you and your marriage.

Your internet search history says it all. You can see where she is and it’s not where you are. You are trying to save the marriage with a leaky boat and one oar so to speak.

I think there will be a period of adjustment. While you may be lonely and feel like your life has been up-ended, you can use that time for YOU. And you may find that your life has improved in some ways b/c you are not focused on what she’s doing or who she is talking to.

I hope you find some peace.

Do not be afraid of being by yourself. You should choose your own happiness and even if that means being by yourself every day of the week, then to be with someone who continually hurts you.

If you reframe this thinking to domestic violence, it may make more sense for you. Would you recommend that someone stick around, just so that they are not alone, if they are getting beat every few months from their husband? I'm certain the answer is no. So why would you stick around, to be hurt, emotionally by your wife whenever she gets that itch. Its much better to be alone, than to be continually hurt by her.

And here is the truth that she probably doesn't want you to know. When you break free from her and heal, you will, if you so choose, will be able to find someone. That someone is very likely to be a much better partner than your current wife. YOu will be wiser and see redflags. You will be emotionally stronger, and hopefully you're getting IC work done, you will be a much better candidate as a partner as well.

Choose yourself Mayafu.

It would make sense that going forward, I refrain from believing anything spoken that isn't backed up with real action.

This is an excellent policy. The way a person treats you tells you whether or not they love you.

This is a great step forward you're taking with your life. You will be able to find a better partner in the future. Get thorough pre-marital counseling before tying the knot again.

She is claiming remorse and understanding

The operative word here is 'claiming', and glad to see that you recognise it.

I cannot wait around hoping for that in the meantime. Not again.

This is a gamechanging mindset you have adopted. This will allow you to live your life. If your WW wants to continue life with you, she will have to do it by your rules, and not hers. Bravo.