SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WW here.

My H found the site on my phone and reads here. He read early on and was incredibly hurt by what I posted here. I was brutally blaming him for what "justified" my A. To be clear, there was a lot of bullshit going on in my M that was unhealthy. HOWEVER, I was unhealthy and chose to have the A. I would say that sharing SI when you're in a vulnerable state and she's still working out the basic understanding of her bullshit... might not be so helpful. If she's insecure and self-blaming and shame spiraling, reading your threads may set her back.

As someone who's H was hurt and whose R gets set back when H reads something here he doesn't like, I'd keep it to yourself for now. We're 3 years in and H is looking into himself in an early kind of way. Reading my stuff here is still somewhat hurtful and he's requested I stop posting. I'm not as it's helpful and healing to me and I'd like to think of some use to others.

IMHO it depends how far you two have gotten in your recovery and how well you two can respect borders.
It’s common that spouses ask each other to stay off threads. Can you respect that? Can she respect that? Would that be a requirement?

One of the key risks IMHO is the basic human need to win. It’s something that drives us on, but can also work against us. If you enter an argument your goal is to win, to argue the other person down. If you can’t do it with logic you fall back to other patterns.
Now – in business its called negotiations rather than arguments. I business we accept that negotiations generally are give-and-take. You give me this service and I will let you take this payment sort-of-things. In business if there is no give-and-take and a dialogue then there is no business.
We can try to apply the same logic to relationships.
In personal life it takes a certain level of maturity to understand that a) you don’t have to "win" all arguments b) you might be wrong on some issues c) you might have to make concessions on others and c) "win" in a relationship is a mutual win.

For example: My wife and I don’t share the same views on how often the bathrooms need to be cleaned. She says weekly, I say when needed… Theoretically my POV is correct, because "when needed" is not necessarily every 7 days. It could be needed after 3 days, or 30… It’s the 30 that my wife fears, so her compromise is weekly. We could argue about this if I wanted to. I could logic her to the curb, and if I did she would probably use her traditional defense of sleeping on the edge of the bed her side, not talking or moaning about my family… (I probably have equally obnoxious behavioral patterns when I lose arguments…). Instead, I clean the bathrooms every Thursday evening when I come home from work…

I don’t do it with resentment. I don’t grumble. I accept that it’s a compromise that works for my family. I don’t have to "win" the big bathroom-war at the cost of my wife. The demand was reasonable, the need was clear, the benefit of complying outweighed the cost of arguing.

I realize infidelity is a bigger issue than pee on a toilet bowl. But you get the gist… If you two have reached a stage where you can discuss things openly, where your goal is to reconcile and both are willing to work to that goal… then sharing SI can be reasonable.

Finally – despite my comments on give-and-take and compromises. There are issues in a marriage where there should be no compromise. Fidelity being high on that list.

No. Your WW, if she is being proactive about seeking resources and support in order to save your marriage, will easily find SI on her own with a simple Google search. Other Waywards have found SI this way. Why couldn't she?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:19 PM, Monday, June 27th]

IMHO it depends how far you two have gotten in your recovery and how well you two can respect borders.
It’s common that spouses ask each other to stay off threads. Can you respect that? Can she respect that?

That is a very valid question. I am a curious person by nature and I assume that if I saw a thread started by her, I would be very curious to know what it is that she is saying. I also assume that if I were the WS, the curiosity would eat me up if I saw a thread by my BS.

You also mention the need to "win", which is another thing to consider. Personally, that doesn't concern me as much, at least not on her end. She has long stopped with any attempts to justify her A or to rug-sweep.

No. Your WW, if she is being proactive about seeking resources and support in order to save your marriage, will easily find SI on her own with a simple Google search. Other Waywards have found SI this way. Why couldn't she?

Well, as I stated earlier, she might be googling things in Portuguese rather than English. As a test, I did google the words "Sobrevivendo infidelidade" and SI didn't show up.

Why don't you ask her what books she's been reading, sites she's been visiting, or other resources she has sought out in order to help learn how she rebuild trust and your marriage? If she hasn't been doing any of these things, perhaps you actually asking her the question will prompt her to start looking.

Also, if she feels more comfortable reading and writing and Portuguese, than SI might not be the best site for her anyway.

To not tell her:

this is your safe place.

She will learn how to conceal future affairs even better by reading how affairs were discovered.

To tell her:

This website is the opposite of Ashley Madison etc just reading it encourages fidelity.

Reading her posts might give you insight into why, how and etc without paying some therapist.

She will gain empathy and understanding of what you are going through by reading posts from other BHs.