Woah, I’m sorry, infidelity is horrible, and so is deliberate mental & emotional abuse. OP admits to being an abuser, OP described being abusive, he didn’t deserve to be cheated on but his abusiveness shouldn’t get rug swept or minimized b/c his wife also did something heinous. OP I recommend, like others, you and your wife take a trial separation. Abusers should not be in MC together. You and your wife have some intensive work to do individually. Your marriage has been toxic for quite. Your wife definitely needs some distance, nothing justifies what she did, however context matters. Both you and your wife are very mentally unwell people. OP you admit to purposefully systematically working to break her down, only people with a specific scary psychosis could do such a thing. And her boss preyed on a very wounded woman. Wife needs to quit, HR should be notified and so should any OBS. Good luck OP, I applaud you for admitting to your actions and not using your wife’s infidelity to evade accountability. But now it’s less about your marriage, but becoming healthy people for your children.
Those ups and downs you describe in your relationship, to me, a serious lack of relationship skills on both your parts.
At this point, cheating totally aside- you two sound completely unable to have a healthy relationship.
Rather than clinging to the marriage, I think you both need to focus on breaking your negative patterns and learning healthier ways to deal with issues. I don't really believe that would be possible when staying in a relationship where these poor patterns are so entrenched, honestly.
I don't think you can do it on your own. I think you both need intensive IC to help you become a healthier partner for future relationships.
To me, the cheating is just the icing on this very dysfunctional cake. I'm sorry.
Quoting for emphasis, this is excellent analysis and advice.
[This message edited by Aletheia at 5:11 AM, Monday, December 20th]