SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@Aletheia

We were told the affair was 6 months in 2019 but not much more.

When in 2019 (from what month to what month?)

In April 2019 WS got quote for car repairs

Who was the alleged AP?

Someone from the Garage

Where did they meet?

At the garage

How did she say the affair began?

Text flirting

Why did she say it ended?

not clear

Who did she say ended it?

Mutually

Why did she say it wasn’t ended friendly?

She said it wasn't an amicable split, that she asked AP to block her.

WS said she had been to a mutual friends and then gone to AP before coming home to me.

WS would go to a friend of ours house for tea, then leave our friends and go and see AP before coming home to me. Yet say she had been at our friends all the time.

When she initially said she had an affair, did you think back to that time period and think something like: “this explains her behavior back then” -or- “I thought something was off during that time but brushed it off but now it makes sense” -

Not really

@13YearsR

I agree WS needs help, that I alone cannot provide.

Hope extra info helps, as I am currently lost

Pootle,

Did you expose the OM to everyone of any significance in his life?

Did you talk with the owner of the garage?

At the very least demand your money back, if your WW says doesn't that make me a prostitute, ..... tell her this joke.

A guy asks a women for sex for a million dollars

she says yes,

he then asks what about five dollars,

she says what do you think I am,

he says we've already established what you are it's now down to haggling over a price.

Do you guys have kids?

Cheaters often under estimate the damage an affair (or a ONS) does to their spouse (and the related threat to the marriage).

I don't think confessing to adultery and then observing your trauma/pain is a form of entertainment; nor a cry for attention. However, she did intend to hurt you in the worst possible way. Which in itself is a major issue.

It's highly probable there was inappropriate texting (and possibly more).

She confessed then realized she may end up divorced - so she revoked her confession. It's not unusual for a cheater to enjoy the affair but does not want a divorce.

IMO you should take the confession seriously.

Otherwise it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

She needs IC to fix herself and make sure she doesn't repeat this behavior (fabricating an affair or committing adultery). No MC until she fixes herself.

Finally, she raised the ugly issue of adultery. Now you have to process it.

Is she willing to take a polygraph text? Now that you know she's a liar it's the only tool you have left.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:48 PM, August 4th (Wednesday)]

Thank you Pootle for the extra info. I still maintain your wife didn’t expect this to affect you so deeply so she’s trying to reel it in. And doesn’t realize how mentally damaging it still is to make your spouse believe you were cheating for attention. WW doesn’t make good decisions.

COVID makes it seem like another lifetime but 2019 isn’t that far in the past. You should be able to look up your car records to identify the garage to see if you can find this guy. Only other thing I can think of is a poly. As someone said "this is a new one" Whether it’s cheating or lying about cheating, your WW has really put you in a horrible circumstance. You would be better seeking therapy as well. I am so sorry you’re going through this.

WS said she had been to a mutual friends and then gone to AP before coming home to me.

She'd come home and kiss you during these six months? Man oh man.

She's come clean on how many times she offered you sloppy seconds?

OP, sorry man but this is disgusting behaviour from your wife.

She'd come home and kiss you during these six months? Man oh man.

She's come clean on how many times she offered you sloppy seconds?

OP, sorry man but this is disgusting behaviour from your wife.

Don't they ALL do this? I mean, that's the very nature of an A.

From OP:

"so a new development last night b4 our counselling session.

There was no A it never happened, it was an attention seeking ploy."

Exact quote from my pathetic life circa 2005:

"I guess I shouldn’t have had an affair then"

Dismissed as just more crazy crap my wife says on a regular basis.

When questioned on that statement starting 2009 after finding out that my wife lies to me with ease:

Silence, rug sweeping, DARVO, gaslighting, staying for the kids that still have no idea why Dad has severe depression, is unable to function at work, etc.

Finally around 2018 she thought up a new lie: "I didn’t have an affair, I was just trying to hurt you"

Now: Empty nest . . . We shall see.

Still floundering

[This message edited by Papercoversrock at 8:46 PM, Sunday, August 8th]

WOW!!!!

Ignore her comment about there not being an affair. You know that is a lie. She is simply in self-preservation mode and is now desperate to try ANYTHING!!

Go to the garage and tell the owner that one of his employees met your wife at his business and then started a 6 mo the affair.

I’m sure that you will get a reaction from her when her boyfriend reaches out to her and starts yelling about what you did.

Then do a bit of research and find out if he is married or has a significant other. Tell them about the affair. It’s only fair that they know that they too have been betrayed.

Tell her that you will be scheduling a polygraph for her in the near future. Her immediate reaction will give you all that you need to know.

Tell her that you want a complete timeline about their affair. When she says there was no affair, simply restate that you want a complete timeline of their affair.

Tell her to sit down immediately and write all of her usernames and passwords to all email and social media accounts.

With her within earshot, call up your physician. When asked by the person on the phone why you want an appointment, clearly state that you just found out that you wife has been sleeping with other men and you need to be tested for every STD known, including HIV. When you go for the appointment, you might want to talk about your sleep and anxiety levels.

Reach out to friends and family members and tell them what she did. You are going to need to lean on them from time to time. Don’t be afraid to ask them for help, that is what friends and family are for.

Also, you are still in shock from her news. It is far too soon to be going to couples counseling. Cancel all future couples counseling sessions and find a therapist for YOU and you alone!

Finally, no matter what she says, get away from her for a bit. Go visit a friend for a few days, or just go someplace alone. You will never be able to get your thoughts together and determine your future with her right there 24/7.

Good luck, stay strong, and do whatever you have to do to be able to look the man in the mirror in the eye every day.

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 5:07 AM, Monday, August 9th]

She’s delusional!!!!! Affair - no affair - who does that?

I would D her for that reason alone. You just can’t fix stupid and anyone who pulls a stunt like that is just stupid.

I’m sorry I don’t mean to disrespect your spouse but that is about as stupid as you can get. I doubt you could ever trust her again.

Not that it matters as far as the pain and the support you will get here but just to clarify because it definitely will impact the implementation of the advice offered:
Your profile states your gender as female and you talk about your wife having an affair. Same sex couple?
You mention a 20 year age-difference. You or WW older? Could you give us a ballpark age? Doesn’t have to be definite but there is a vast difference in maturity between a 25 and a 40 year old person.
Are you two legally married, as in is there a legal framework that you two are committed to with marriage.

OK – Back to your situation…
The first order of business needs to be to determine if an affair took place or not.
If this is a same-sex marriage: Was the OP a male or female?
Do you know who the OP is? Do you have a name, address etc?
How did your wife say they communicated? Can you see phone-logs, conversation chats etc?

IMHO relationships can generally survive anything as long as they KNOW what they are dealing with. You need the TRUTH – was there an affair? Who is OP? How can you be assured it’s over?
The fact your WW on her own accord told you about the affair is a positive, however a lot of her reaction since is not as good.

For one thing: If anything you did or did not do caused her to decide to have an affair… well… no matter what you do now, no matter what changes you implement then you cant prevent her from cheating again. Like if you change your meatloaf recipe or forget to take out the trash… would that justify her having another affair? Part of the recovery is your WW acknowledging total 100% accountability for her decision to cheat.