SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

D-Day is 9 days before my anniversary. We did celebrate with an explicit 24 hours of rugsweeping. "Today we will pretend you didn't cheat on me because I want to just enjoy today. But after that, I'm still going to be very upset with you and we have a lot of work to do to see if it's even worth trying."

This year we are having a fancy dinner. I don't think you can build a positive future on negative interactions. If you don't want to celebrate the two of you at least trying for another year, maybe stop trying at all?

I certainly get that.

We had two anniversaries that we celebrated, one was the anniversary of our first date, and every year we went to the places we went and took the kids there with us after they came along. The other was the wedding anniversary.

Unfortunately, my FWS took her AP to the place we met for that first date, a public park, in the middle of the day they parked in sight of where we met, they were just off the beaten path, and they got out of his truck and she knelt down and gave him a blow job in broad daylight in the park.

Needles to day, that made this place particularly special for us...I had wondered why she began to never want to go there and was making excuses to go somewhere else.

Which, was what led to her confession....she confessed on the very anniversary of that same date 9 years later.

And, the place we got married...yep, same and more took place there.

Anniversaries are so special.

I have been thinking perhaps I should celebrate other peoples anniversaries!

I also do not bring up our wedding anniversary, and WH has no clue.

My mom used to remember it for me, but she's gone now.

On our first anniversary date after DDay, WH had a one hour conversation with AP, right after I had spoken to him and wished us a happy anniversary, , I was away at that time.

He later said he just wanted to catch up with her, it was nothing.

I have not brought up our anniversary date since, 5 years later and I never will. It's a non event date for me, I remember the day fondly since it was a key moment in my life, but celebrate it, just no.

D-day was 2 weeks after our first anniversary.

For our second anniversary I asked him to make it special in order for him to show me our relationship was important to him.

He texted me that day that he was feeling overwhelmed with the pressure to do it right. He asked if we could have a relaxing night together. I agreed and I lowered my expectations because I was doing the pick me then. I cancelled my Brazilian wax, wore something casual and didn't really bother with make-up.

The evening was pleasant enough and I got an amazing present but I really resented him for not going above and beyond. I still resent him. For complaining about the pressure, after what he had done.

So if you don't want to celebrate, don't. If you do, ask for it. Try to get your needs met.

I can totally empathise. I told my wife I didn't want to 'celebrate' our anniversary this year and said I'd want us to choose a new date if we successfully reconcile. I reminded her as the day approached. She said she understood. What did I find on our kitchen window, several feet wide in the afternoon? A huge 'happy anniversary' banner which she made with the children...and posted to Facebook. Denial I think.

Anyway, I completely agree with your rationale. My old marriage died with the broken vows.

I’m so glad it’s not just me and seems to be a cmon feeling, feeling a bit shit today, it was a year ago this was all happening and I didn’t know yet and having a lot of triggers.

Doesn’t help that i was tidying up and found in his old work bag the poem he wrote to her, declaring how his mind and soul are hers, the moment he met her it clicked, falling deeply in love, made me feel sick. It was 2 pages and re-writes, effort made.

When we first dated he wrote me love poems, I was 21 and thought it so romantic and here he was 40 year old writing poems like a kid.

Spoke to him about it, he had told me ages ago that he had wrote a poem but had said he made it up drunk one night, didn’t mention it was so emotional and not written and re-written, definitely not made up drunk.

He said he didn’t even realise he still had it or he would have burnt it, said it’s a load of shit and means nothing, when he was in the bubble with the fake feelings.

Just hurts so much, as much as he says the right things to me, it’s not that overwhelming, declaring of deepest love, etc.

I hate he felt those feelings for her, it makes it hard to understand how those kind of intense feelings can just disappear. Seeing them written out has hurt my heart, definitely have no feelings to celebrate anniversary.

I’m so sad today

Hey Indianna78, sorry you're feeling this way today. Can you perhaps lift your spirits a little by treating yourself to something nice? Remember, that poem could really have been a message to his own artificial/superficial feelings, rather than a declaration of true love. After all, it arguably takes a very long time to know someone and feel true love. To 'love' without truly knowing someone is essentially loving the feeling, rather than the person...which, as you've alluded to, is as emotionally mature as an average teenager.

Sending you strength and platonic love across the digital abyss.

folio44 makes the following point.

I have not brought up our anniversary date since, 5 years later and I never will.

I tend to agree, uncertainly, but that is the trend here as well.

I also haven't brought up our anniversary in years, either one of the dates we used to celebrate.

I know, deep in the recesses of my brain that was so severely mindfucked with by being lied to and gaslit, that I spent 18 years working to make those days special, making sure I was not working, making sure there were no distractions, etc. (Honestly, I was the husband who never forgot birthdays and anniversaries, made all of them special, and took all my children's and wife's birthdays off from work), Then, to have all this happen. I have to admit, I've got no fucking clue what to do now.

So, I figure she needs to step up to the plate on this, it is her turn to carry the torch.

Problem is, she can't do it. Confession was 10 years ago. Affair was 19 years ago. She "tries" but doesn't know what to do either, and she can't bear to talk about any of it. Even when we talk about these dates, she is at a loss, she usually brings it up a few days before, but doesn't mention any of the actions that lead it to be so complicated.

So, if you are struggling with what to do, perhaps the best thing is to do nothing, celebrate nothing, and treat them like any other day. I don't know if that is right or wrong.

I used to believe it was VERY important to maintain these days and the memories of them, etc. However, I'm no longer sure about this, and from 10 years after the final D-day, as I said above, I've got no fucking clue.