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It’s when you don’t have the energy to care one way or the next. The “test” I give myself is to do the whole run down of the night it all happened in my head....and I have very very little emotional reaction to it. Then, I follow it up with thinking about what I want to do with the day, and it doesn’t generally involve him anymore. And then there is the lack of any feeling with hugs or kisses or touches. It’s just not there.

Come to think of it my daily planning mostly doesn't involve him either. I don't kiss him hello or goodbye anymore, and the kisses have gone back to more like a peck. A far cry from the true deep kissing I love and was able to experience post DDay during HB. Now it's back to the same old shit. As far as touch, last week at a concert he was behind me with his arms around me. He had his hands on me throughout the whole show. I felt nothing. Zip. Nada.

I had the option to plan some time to get away with him and I opted for work.

Twice recently he asked me to go somewhere with him and I said no thanks and he seemed taken aback. I'm not going to go back to how it was and have him going out alone. I've put myself into his social world and intend to stay put. Changes things when people now know me who did not, when people see me out with him rather than him flying solo. I'll pick and choose as things come up.

But, I will warn you, if you’re like me, you’ll see more and more of your waywards faults and they are impossible to unsee once you’ve seen them....

I believe this has begun to happen.

WhoTheBleep

What T/J? I see no T/J.

I don't know that I'm done with us, but I'm done with being silent. How I wish I had found my voice a long time ago. Things would be very different.

It is all him now. He either wins me over or he doesn't, but all of my energy and investment is done. He carries us or we sink. Period.

Can a selfish wayward handle that much pressure, that level of change, responsibility, and accountability? IDK. My H is trying. Maybe yours will, too.

I'm not trying right now. I'm too worn out from the past 2 years. He may take this as my acceptance. No. Not even close. So he best not make that assumption. I just have put so much into this relationship for so long and where has it gotten me? So does it really matter if I take a break and just try to take it day by day? I doubt it. Let him step up his game. It's time.

What you are described my, I have felt. My IC said it was depression.

Just a thought. Maybe speak to your IC about it?

I think in many ways, this is where I've been for a while. For me, it is a sense of being so tired and drained from all of this trauma. And, yet, lacking the energy to start living again because of fear of the next crisis or trauma to come along and blow me out of the water (most likely unrelated to my marriage). My husband has really worked hard and continues to do so to repair himself and our marriage. He has given me every measure of safety possible. And, yet, I know that no life going forward is going to be all positives. Shit happens in life and will continue to happen in life, regardless of my marriage. And, I"m just out of energy to face it. So, I am in the mode of surviving day-to-day, but not really living, loving, laughing.

Deephurt

There's no doubt I'm feeling some level of depression. But I refuse to go on meds for it, the xanax I'm on for the anxiety is enough. My therapist is aware of all of it, the anxiety, depression, PTSD, codependency. Honestly though my best friend puts her to shame when it comes to advice and help. The therapist who did my intake interview is the one I wish I was a patient of but she is booked solid.

I think in many ways, this is where I've been for a while. For me, it is a sense of being so tired and drained from all of this trauma. And, yet, lacking the energy to start living again because of fear of the next crisis or trauma to come along and blow me out of the water (most likely unrelated to my marriage).

Every morning I awake with anxiety. After all the things that have occurred over the past 3 1/2 years, honestly I'm scared. Probably another reason I'm shutting down. I'm simply overwhelmed with too many issues at once. Always being there for everyone else. Feeling like I'm the glue to hold it all together. It's a tremendous strain, and somedays I feel like gasing up the car and disappearing for a few days, shutting off my phone and just regroup. But all I would do is worry, primarily about my son and his diabetes management. I know I wouldn't be able to shut off the world in solitude for a weekend away.

I just feel like all my efforts, to be a good person, a good wife, a good mother are moot points. I feel defeated which adds to the need to shut down. I'd say I would go on strike but all that would accomplish is more work as nothing would get done. So much like a zombie on autopilot, I meander through my day. Just as I'm about to do now.