SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

From a practical place, my advice is all of these:

Change out the furniture

Rearrange the room

Paint the walls a new color

Get new bedding -- toss out any old throw pillows, etc.

Get new drapes/curtains

Rearrange the wall art / pictures

Seriously, you will feel better. Your bedroom needs to be your fortress. Its colors need to be the colors that speak to you. Its fabrics need to feel right. (If it were me, I'd also do a sage smudging, but that may be too woo-woo for you :-)

My husband had a texting EA. Best thing ever was getting new phones, new phone cases. Threw the old one away. Good riddance.

This can be a bonding experience, but YOU get to pick the colors.

I've already removed the photos. I tossed all of our bedlinens in the trash (after I took a razor knife to them, considered donating but actually feel the need to have them incinerated). I told her that I think we'll need new mattress and furniture... but at heart I know this is just symbolic so it is hard to justify throwing out a new (and very expensive) mattress and furniture. I love our house, really want to get past this.

Also worried about where this ends. I literally just found out that they regularly had sex in his car in the parking lot of the gym where I work out. Am I going to need a new gym?

On the one hand I appreciate that she is not sugar-coating it for me (and I'd guess this will help to rebuild trust), on the other hand I kind of wish she would change a few details.

I understand why you would say that, but the truth is, no you don't wish she would change a few details. Then you would be attempting to reconcile with a liar,and you can't build trust with a liar.

Is the other man married?

First, take the bed into the backyard, take an axe to it. Make her stand next to you when you soak it with lighter fluid and torch it. Next, ask her how she would feel if you fucked someone in her bed or car. Tell her that is a distinct possibility. When my wife had her RA, I took her hand, and I removed her engagement ring. I told her that I would be selling it. That elicited one of the loudest cries I had ever heard. You say that her affair was carried out with contempt for you? I guess turnabout is fair play. One of my clients, stood in front of his wife and set up his profile on Ashley Madison. She threatened to divorce if he went on that date. Not only did he go, he had sex with enough women to quell the pictures of his wife in his head. He let her know that if one of the women appeals to you, you may decide to end the marriage for her. Let her mull that one over.

What were her reasons for the affair? Has she suffered any consequences? Who knows? Getting rid of material and symbolic things are good for your self esteem, but me, I would want to get even (I know I am going against the commonly held beliefs of this site, however, an RA got me to wake up, bet it will do the same to your wife.

[This message edited by Crazymixedupkid at 2:05 PM, January 19th (Friday)]

What does she say about this awful act? To what extent did disrespect play a part?

The whole A is disrespectful, but in many - maybe most cases, the A comes from the WS going off her own rails, and the BS is collateral damage. IOW, the WS does not intend to show disrespect. My W, for example, initially thought she respected me throughout her A.

I reco gathering more info so you know more of what you're dealing with.

Also, check out 'the Drama Triangle'. Often 'disrespect' means you're hiding from your true feelings which are generally one or more of mad, sad, scared, ashamed. If you process the feeling(s), disrespect becomes a non-issue.

No matter what your W intended, and whether or not you're in a DT, this is an especially horrendous act among horrendous acts, so I don't think you're making too much of it.

You can deal with it, though. You can figure out what it means to you, and you can make good decisions for yourself, and you'll get support from SIers whether this is a deal killer for you or not.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:05 PM, January 19th (Friday)]

Yes, he is married. His wife now knows. We had a "conference call" to discuss this and set ground rules going forward. No contact at all was the first condition.

My wife has "sort of" agreed to find a new job. I say "sort of" because she is hesitant and will not agree to a definite timetable. I feel a little guilty because I know she loves the job (and it is unique position doing high level work, very hard to find an analog). Ultimately, I can't live with them working together, whatever kind of walls they say they will build. They were adding a couple days to every international trip they took for the job, just no way I can handle that.

You need a new gym if their trashy parking lot screwing keeps you from going to the gym and you avoid it. On the other hand, if you kick harder, run faster or lift heavier because of it, stay where you are.

In other words, you call the shots now. You get to decide what you need to do to go forward.

Just make sure you are getting exercise regularly. Don't let anything interfere with that.

This has absolutely helped my workouts and that has, in turn, helped control my anger. No plans to quit working out.

What does HB mean btw?

HB = hysterical bonding, some couple experience an intense period of lots of sex in an effort to hold on to each other, totally normal to do it, totally normal not to.

I just want to put one alternative out there to burning/selling the bed and other triggers. Own them. Right now, I don't want to fork out for a new couch. So when I sit on it, or even have sex with WH on it, I think to myself, "It's my f*ing couch, she doesn't get any of my things. She lost. I'm not rearranging my life because two immature people did something horrible". It can work - but you gotta do what helps you get through.

My wife also had her AP in our bed. I left after D day, or rather never came home after a phone call. I told her the bed better be gone when I got back. The matress was gone, but we had a custom made leather headboard. I saw it and said WTF is this?

She said it’s the headboard and would be difficult to replace. I calmly walked downstairs where I had some garden tools and hacked it up like Freddy. Told her I guess it needs replacing now.

My opinion is you are putting too much on yourself. The bed has to go. Let her take some of her discretionary spending and pay for it. I am getting divorced. He using the bed was a big part. You are willing to give her another chance. You will suffer as long as the bed is there. No bed in the world is as expensive as a divorce.

Same with them working together. Do you really every time she goes to work have to think of them laughing together over a cup of coffee.

This guy violated a lot of your space. She should be th3 one offering ways to get him out of your lives. And when I say out, out. Not we will avoid each other.

If he is also a member of the gym, I would force him to leave that too.

Lazarus-my fWH brough his AP to our home, in our bed, twice. They had sex 4 times here.

I still trigger. Coming home from work is VERY difficult for me.

We too have pictures on our nightstands. I also have our wedding invitation framed and prominently placed in the bedroom.

She sat her fat, naked ass on my chair. Walked around my bedroom like she owned it. And, actually took a call from her husband while here. Can you even imagine??

We have changed the bedding and the mattress. It helped, A LOT. However, I refuse to let his bad behavior (that is putting it mildly) to own me. I love my house. I love my bedroom. I will own this.

That being said, it is terrible and does not help in the mind movies or the healing. The bedroom, where you sleep and what used to be your safe haven, is no longer a safe place. Only you can decide what will be helpful in your healing.

I asked my fWH why in our bed? He couldn't answer. He said that it never occurred to him to use the guest room. Bottom line, he never thought about me when he was here-the pictures, the pets, the house...never did he connect what we had built together with what he was actively tearing down.

Initially, after learning that she was here, I was obsessed with whether she walked into our kids bedrooms. He denies that she did. Why that matters to me I still don't know. Maybe I am rationalizing. Had she stepped into their rooms it would have brought my inner mama bear out...maybe that is what I needed, though.

We have also talked about selling the house. Which sucks because I love my home. But, it may take selling it to help me fully heal. And that just sucks.

Do what works for you. It is awful. AWFUL. What is ahead of you will not be easy. Don't compromise your values and what you need in order to keep the peace or because you feel you "should" be stronger and "move past" the tragedy.

So, if it works for you...own it. If you love your house, your furniture. Own it. Do not allow her poor behavior to dictate your actions. Just don't. Hold your head up high-this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her, and how screwed up she is/was.

[This message edited by devastedone at 5:25 PM, January 19th (Friday)]

I'm going to nitpick on this:

... I feel a little guilty because I know she loves the job ...

Stop and rephrase.

You're on a journey right now, and you need all the road tools you can possibly pack into your bag. One of these tools is the language we use. We believe the story we tell ourselves. And that ^^ language is telling a false story. Don't set yourself up for that.

You did not choose her affair, and you have NO GUILT for its natural consequences. She chose a co-worker. If she loved her job, well, that's just too damn bad and it sucks to be her.

The consequences of her affair are not your fault.

But this doesn't mean that you can't be empathetic with her for her losses, as a result of her A's consequences, and, actually, being able to express empathy to each other will help both of you in this trauma recovery.

Guilty = feel badly for her? "I feel badly for her that she will lose this job she loves".

That's cool. That's loving. That works. So, in your laying out what you need from her in order to feel safe in this marriage and begin rebuilding trust, you can include your empathy about what this will mean for her. And, just as you get to tell her what you need, she gets to choose whether or not she's willing to acquiesce. She HAS choices she's allowed to make -- take her losses and mourn them (which you can lovingly be empathetic about), or lose you.

None of that is your fault. Keep your story true.

The job had to be non negotiable. For me it would have be now. Destroy the bed. Make her participate. It will do wonders for you.

WH did this as well. He also said he never even thought to go in guest room. Anyway I made him replace very expensive mattress, bed, and bedding. I removed the wedding portrait. There was a marriage quilt I made on wall over bed I destroyed that and threw away. We later moved, due to job not A, but while packing came across wedding dress, flowers, invitation, etc. That all went in garbage! WH tried to tell me I would regret getting rid of my dress. HA! It's not like I can let my nieces wear it one day. I couldn't even sell it. It's tainted just like bed.

Lazarus- put her in her place and assert your needs your pain and your thoughts. Don’t let her hesitate or half ass. She needs to know damn well ya your turn to be treated well, and be helped heal. If she can’t do that show her the door. And line your legal ducks in a row to minimaize assets going to her in a divorce. Leverage her guilt right now to get a post nup. If she cans drop to her knees in sorrow and humility kick her ass to the curb and heal, move on, and find someone better. End of story. Don’t take shit, don’t let her call any shots, or blameshift, or change the subject. For the near term, it’s all about YOUR needs friend, if she wants a chance in hell to reconcile. Make her send the OM a cold and clear no contact letter. And if your state allows, look into litigation for alienation of affection.

Hah, I looked into alienation of affection first thing (which is sad since I somehow passed the bar in my state... but couldn't remember if we had it [unfortunately not, even if I wouldn't have done it, would have made me feel good thinking it was an option]).

Anyways... I think I'll have a follow up question or a thousand, but against "doctor's" orders I've been drinking wine all night so I'll drop it for now. All responses are truly appreciated.

What is your wife doing to show you remorse? Does she apologize? Does she tend to YOUR needs? Does she understand how disrespectful she was? Or is she ambivalent and still in the fog.

When I found out that the OW sat in my H’s car I told him I would never ever get in that car again.

It was gone two weeks later.

You are not being unreasonable or irrational.

The ultimate disrespect is to bring the AP into the home &/or marital bed. And Bring the AP into your chikdren’s Lives.

I am still bothered he sent a photo of our children to OW.

You are completely justified in your feelings.

You are not overreacting at all. My fwh merely masturbated in our bed while on the phone with her, and I couldn’t get over that. We now sleep in a brand new, very expensive and much improved bed.

Sometimes the symbolism of their actions are EXACTLY what needs to be addressed.

.

[This message edited by fighter76 at 1:11 PM, November 9th (Friday)]