SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hold on.... i need to google that.... brb

If you have not exposed then you have to expose to family and also have your lawyer advise you about how to expose to his workplace. I’m assuming he used government assets of time to meet up with her.

 I already have IC lined up for her(a couple of recommended counselors she could interview).

You wrote this. Omg, just no. Sorry, not being harsh, but I am worried. You do not get it yet. You are not even 1/3 as detached as you think you are. She just "noticed" the detachment and you think she is ready to change? Oh, no. You are not on the right track.

1. Stop thinking of her--think of you and your very own life, interests, time, hobbies, friends, family.

2. Stop allowing heavy conversations or caring if she cares that you don't care! Because that means you are too focused on HER. Talk about Stranger Things. Or Christmas presents for your kids. Or whether to bake or deep fry the turkey. That's enough.

3. Do not be mean, cruel, cold or intentionally hurtful. Simply be meh. Where are you at this time in your life? Find you and care about you. Caring about you is NOT trying to hurt her. They are unrelated.

4. Think of this as your new life. There is no time period for focusing on you; it's forever. If you want her to invest in the M more, maybe you should make a little room by investing in the M less?

5. Enjoy your kids in new ways when they are home. That will be fun for you. New hobby? New sport?

6. Why would you give her a plan for R? Directions for getting through to you? If SHE is not happy with the new self-focused you, SHE will get creative in winning you back! PUT THE WORK ON HER. (And never EVER line up counseling for someone else. That is the epitome of codependency. If she is organized enough to cheat, she is organized enough to fix it by finding IC.)

7. File after the holidays? Who knows! See how the new you feels in his new marriage with his new lesser valued spouse! Decide then.

8. Please put effort into enjoying the only 2017 holiday season any of us will get instead of fixing someone who seems to be okay being broken. Her choice! Not your problem. Get busy living your life.

9. If she wants to R badly, you will KNOW it! And you will instinctually know what to do.

10. Enjoy your newfound independence and power.

P.S. Please get IC. You need it.

Sharkman - I am almost certain the AP was "on the clock" at times he met up with WW. I am going to send out an email to my attorney this weekend asking how to approach his employer.

OwningItNow - I didn't add enough to that sentence. I was looking for IC for myself.

When I was weighing to R or D, I figured I better save that money for my attorney. I was going to merely point her in their direction if that was something she wanted. As of late, I have been putting the work on her. Strangely, there is peace in that. And funny enough, we have been talking about Stranger Things - Season 2 and decided we will fry the turkey this Thanksgiving. No deep discussions. The last few months, I have been in observation mode.

I promise I have been working only on me. Kind of rediscovering who I am if you will. Trying to remember what things I like, what I like to do.

Dude you've been lifting and working out 7 days a week for the past 6 months. Ain't no way I'm going to kick your ass

Seriously though, be kind to yourself. Your butt has already been kicked. since May. The only one who has suffered has been you. So enough time wasted, That's ending now, right?

I've read through your posts and find them to be thoughtful. I feel that your story here will be beneficial to people, and you would make a great veteran here someday. (hint).

You have done quite a few things right. Protecting your assets, retaining an attorney, and most of all you are developing a clear picture of what you require in your relationship moving forward. Your requirements are by no means unreasonable but even so WW isn't delivering. From what she's said, she has a long way to go.

Three weeks after my dday I had a discussion with my entitled emotionally abusive wife. Basically I sat her down and said very calmly and matter of factly that I think we need to end the marriage and outlined the steps we needed to take. Tears etc. She was in the midst of the A limmerance but even so, a week later she was asking me if I was still ok with that plan and if we couldn't talk more about it. First real sign of regret (best one could hope for from that woman ). But no, the train had left the station and was picking up steam. Me projecting a polite calm but firmly resilient attitude to her made it go easier.

I think you have a good plan forming, and if filing for D wakes her up, have those requirements of yours in hand. If not you are out of infidelity and out of a dead and hurtful relationship. Remember, YOU are the prize!

edited for clarity.

[This message edited by antlered at 6:10 PM, November 3rd (Friday)]

I think your best bet is to have her served with divorce papers and THEN see if she's willing to talk about the affair.

If you don't mind the 2x4s, you made a lot of mistakes pretty early. Pick me dance, letting her rugsweep, not exposing the affair, etc.

Say your wife was willing to sit down and talk about the affair with you, based on her behavior how do you think that would go exactly?? Do you think she'd have a come to Jesus moment?? Or would it be the same bullshit???

It doesn't sound like your wife has suffered any consequences, has no interest in dealing with the affair, helping you deal with her actions, or is even remorseful.

You need to do the 180 and file for divorce. I'm not saying there's no chance for reconciliation, but I find the more mistakes you make after D-Day (and you made a lot) it just drags things out even longer unless the WS decides to cut bait and run.

I really don't think your wife is in the right mindset to sit down and have a heart to heart about her affair. Maybe if she sees divorce staring her in the face she might start to take you seriously. But at this point why should she? What have you done to make her take you seriously after what she's done?? What have you done to get back any respect from her that you've lost (if you had it from her to begin with)??

we have been talking about Stranger Things - Season 2 and decided we will fry the turkey this Thanksgiving. No deep discussions. 

All good news. I feel much better!

I absolutely wish you the best, but when you focus on you and let her figure out herself, you cannot go wrong.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:24 PM, November 3rd (Friday)]

I'm sorry you are here. So, you weren't prepared for betrayal? Join the club. The only thing I am wondering about is the counseling. I've heard D is pretty expensive financially. I would challenge the notion that you can't afford counseling but D you can. The only reason I am bringing this up is becuase I'm not completely convinced you don't want R. IC and MC has been invaluable to us in R. Just food for thought. You may have your reasons. I'm glad to see you are doing better. It is do devestating. Hugs to you.