SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think everyone else is right. Almost no one gets the full truth of what happened on DDay and "no sex" plus "I stopped him/her after they started" are incredibly common lies for cheating spouses to tell. It's very likely that she is lying to you too.

I know you want to believe the best in her. You did agree to spend the rest of your life with her only 4 months ago. But unfortunately, she's not the woman you married right now. You didn't marry someone who cheats and lies, did you? So you have to put everything aside and be skeptical for your own safety.

She claims that she did it because she felt alone and felt like she couldn't talk to me about it because she didn't want to stress me out because of all the stress from school.

This is ridiculous. There are many spouses who really aren't there. Maybe they work a lot or travel for work or they're just checked out of the marriage. But you were there! Right there in the next room while she slept all day by her own admission so how was she alone? This is an excuse and a bad one at that. It's not true at all.

Also, when I asked her why she didn't tell me, she said she was afraid of what my reaction was going to be.

She didn't tell you because she wanted to keep seeing him and texting him. It had nothing to do with you at all. She was already trying to get you out of the house more when you caught her.

Don't accept her answers and her blame of you for any of this. You've only been married 4 months! Nothing you have done contributed to this in any shape or form. This is entirely on her selfish decision to cheat.

So what now? Write out a list of boundaries that you will need going forward. She must go no contact with the OM and it has to stay that way. She must give you full access to her email, facebook, and cell phone. You may even want to get her cell phone records and see how much she was texting this guy before. There are a couple of ways you can get a hold of deleted Facebook messages too so look into those as well. See for sure if this is the first time they were together or if she has been cheating on you longer. Get the truth of what you are dealing with her before you jump into R and forgiveness. You can't forgive what you don't know about.

If you get the polygraph done like Sordid suggests, which I also think you should insist she has to one, why should she refuse if what she has told you was the truth, you need this to see if you can ever trust her again, some of the questions you can ask the polygrapher to ask her is, over the 4 years you have been together has she cheated on you other than the one she has admitted to, did she have pentatrative sex with other than you over that time period, did she have sex with the person she has admitted to, was it more than once, has the afair with him been going on for more than a month, and any more you want, don't be afraid to get to the truth, when you get the answers then it's time to decide where to go from there.

It's quite possible she has cheated more than once over the 4 years you have been together, I would not believe her or anything she says until a polygraph is done.

bje49

Why have a polygraph done? She's probably still talking to him.

Have you demanded no contact with her boyfriend and those enabling friends? Do you have all of her passwords? Has she willingly blocked him on social media and other forms of communication?

Man, this is just four months in. I don't really see how reconciliation can work on one like this.

I don't think you are getting the whole story either.

Gosh, her excuse is that she was so broken up over YOUR dog that YOU have had from high school being put to sleep that ... she cheated?!? She is hurt by the way you Mourned your dogs death? She knew when you showed up that night and tried to talk about what was bothering her that she was going to go back to his place. She had to have known that this guy "and expert on sex toys" was going to want to have sex with her. Sorry, that probably wasn't helpful but I wanted to point out how selfish your wife it. While the death of a family pet is extremely hard. You have only been married 4 months, she is going to face much larger hurdles that the death of her husband family dog... the way she reacted here is a huge red flag.

So, she has sworn she will do anything to make this marriage work. I'd take her up on that. I'd ask for her phone and run an app on it that retrieves deleted messages. I'd ask her again if she has anything else she needs to tell me while the app is running.

You need to know what you are forgiving her for. She is still blame shifting what she did. You weren't supportive enough of her after your dog died.

You might want to read "no, more mr. Nice guy" you can get a free pdf of the book online.

Good luck

After waking up this morning and reading through all the responses, I first want to thank everybody for your support and advice. I have taken into consideration what everyone has said and have decided that if there is going to be any chance of reconciliation, she must take a polygraph test. My only concern is that since she got a minor in psychology, she has talked about in the past when we have watched tv shows that have polygraph tests in them that according to her professor they are not reliable. My feeling is that if they are used in court and by national security agencies, then how are they not reliable? I know they can be beaten but I know it is difficult to beat it unless you have had training on how to beat it (got that last bit of information from an ex girlfriend's father who was in the marines and was taught how to beat one). Ultimately, I am concerned that she is going to turn around and say that even if it says she was lying that the polygraph test could be wrong. How would I respond at that point?

[This message edited by ihatechoosinga at 9:33 AM, February 5th (Sunday)]

I'm so sorry you are here. If she is anything like my WW she will not admit to having sex with this other man. I don't know how you will ever be able to find out the truth.

Confused615 kills it again with this condition.

"She dumps any friends who knew about the affair, and didn't tell you."

Confused covers all the bases, love reading this person's posts.

I hope your pain is not to overwhelming today. You are at the very beginning of this and the pain is intense right now. I would do the 180 and really think about your future. You guys have only been married for 4 months and she already cheated. The loss of a loved pet can trigger an affair, I've read that, and my WW started cheating a couple months after we put down our dog and cat that we have had for decades. It was very painful to hold them while the pass on at the vet's office.

Anyway you are still very young, and I think you should strongly consider dumping her. You have plenty of time to find a safe partner. She has proved that she is not safe, and my god she cheated after 4 months of marriage. She would really have to prove she is going to fix herself for you to even consider R. I would not make any decision for awhile, do the 180 and focus on your self and watch her actions.

[This message edited by soulhurt at 9:36 AM, February 5th (Sunday)]

I stand by my original comment...4 months in and she's cheating.

No way, just no way I would even have another conversation about anything with her.

Get out now while you still have a chance for a life with someone that's not a cheater.

Get your ducks in a row and file for D.

And no, I would not bother with a polygraph, save that money for the lawyer.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 9:48 AM, February 5th (Sunday)]

I hate you are here. You should still be in your honeymoon phase.

Someone else stated that a polygraph is 100% more accurate than a lying cheater.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 10:24 AM, February 5th (Sunday)]

I was speaking with my brother who has always been the wise one in the family. He had mentioned that yes, I have every right to be mad and want a polygraph. But if this is going to work in the long run, a polygraph might do more damage than good simply because it would be a statement that is me accusing her of cheating although she already admitted to it. So if I decide that I don't want her to take the polygraph, I guess the real question is if I can ever move on not knowing if she was telling the whole truth. Quite frankly, I don't know if I can. However, my brother did say that although this might be very difficult, that he would wait at the minimum of a week to let everything marinate so that I don't make any rash decisions that I may regret. Therefore, I am going to take his suggestion and wait a week before I make any final decisions. It is going to be really tough to do because I just want to just make a decision and be done with it. But I know in the long run I will regret it if I do that.

[This message edited by ihatechoosinga at 10:53 AM, February 5th (Sunday)]

Ok let's say you poly. And by some miracle she is telling the truth. (I would bet shit tons of money she is lying) But just for the sake of argument let's pretend she is telling the truth.

Think about that truth. Think hard.

she must take a polygraph test.

according to her professor they are not reliable.

even if it says she was lying that the polygraph test could be wrong. How would I respond at that point?

A lot of people have posted here about the accuracy of polygraph. You can go on the internet and find statements about accuracy. From what I can see, the statements are based on "studies." You and her both are smart enough to know that studies are based on circumstances and situations and subjects. The other day there was a study that drinking coffee can help you lose weight. Then there is another study a year ago that says the opposite. Both studies are accurate, but maybe the results are different because of different methods.

There can be bias in a study, too, so you even have to look at who does the "study." For example, about two decades ago there was a study that showed that smoking cigarettes did not show any evidence it causes cancer. The study was performed by a group called something like "The American Health Association for Truth." If you care enough to look and find out, you discover that the "Association" is funded largely by cigarette manufacturers. I'm just making up some of these names, but I'm not making up the problems with "studies." But if you watch a six-paragraph article on the internet, people all believe it if the article says "a recent study says."

Like you said, polygraph is used by the government in some cases. Here is my personal opinion about the polygraph and its use and accuracy and "studies."

I think the studies are based on casual lying. The subjects are asked questions, and then either lie or tell the truth, and then observe if the polygraph is accurate or not. The subject is not under intense scrutiny with a weighty personal investment, such as possibly losing a job, possibly going to jail, possibly losing their marriage. The subject, if they fail the test, know there is no consequence. That alone to me would discount the accuracy of the polygraph. This is my opinion.

Also, when the government uses polygraph, that is just one of several or many methods to obtain the truth and determine the facts. Often they have other evidence, coincidences, interrogations, interviews, eyewitnesses, etc. Contrast this with a "study."

My opinion also - you will never, ever know if the polygraph is accurate or not unless you know the truth independently of the polygraph. You know your wife's name, date of birth, her address, so if she lies and she passes, you know the polygraph didn't work. But if you ask "did you have sex?" and you don't know that answer, you will never know if she passed or not. But you do have one more piece of evidence, one way or the other.

From my observation here, I have not read that anyone ever posted that they regretted the polygraph. I have heard of a couple times here that the polygraph was false, but in those cases the cheater passed the test and later it was discovered they actually cheated. It has been a while so I don't remember the details well.

The main thing found here, I think, is what I would call the "fear detector" effect - the cheater is worried about failing the polygraph, so the cheater comes clean before the polygraph even occurs. It also is called a "parking lot confession" because frequently that is when the cheater finally comes clean - actually in the parking lot about to go into the polygraph examiner's office.

Lastly, just ASKING for a polygraph can give good results. For one, it says it in a certain way, very strongly, that you don't believe her. You can tell her that, "I don't believe you," but telling her "I want you to take a polygraph" takes that to a whole different level. It lets her know how bothered you are, how serious you are, about finding out the truth, and how willing you are to get there. I, personally, would put a voice-activated recorder in her car before you start asking for things you want, because she will call the other man or a confidant and you will find out the truth much better than the polygraph itself.

The other thing about just ASKING about the polygraph, you get to see her reaction. You get to kind of "take her temperature" to see if she really does want to do what is needed to fix the trust issue, and help you through this, be supportive of you, or if she has no sympathy or empathy and just thinks of herself and her feelings. For example, she could say, "I understand why you want to do this, but I have some hesitancy about the accuracy of it" or she could say, "No way I will do that, I'm completely offended by that, how dare you try to do that, you are way off base ... ."

I'm going to tell you flat out that there is a bit more to it than she has told you so far, that there is some level of emotions with this guy, and that she will be in contact with him again in the near future. I think since now that you are aware, you will catch her, or you will at least see how shady she is acting, so you'll know at least if it's still an ongoing affair, regardless of the polygraph.

Go find a thread called "It was my fault" by DazedAndLost and read a bit, especially in the first couple pages and the last couple of pages.

Revelation #3

She had signed up to a "Married Cheaters" style website, where WS's can look for "quickies" in the area. She says she met up with 3 guys from the site. There had been kissing but nothing else.

See where it actually went. This is fairly typical here - the lying and minimizing and half-truths. There are any number of posters here who have read so much they can spot this stuff from a mile away. Your wife has not come fully clean. Pretty sure she will be in touch with him tomorrow or the next day. Much more likely than not she has what I refer to as "you-go girls" encouraging her, or at the least enjoying it vicariously. Very likely there is some stuff that has been going on, at least flirty, going back a while, this didn't just pop up one night, she had thought about it or he had pursued before this.

even if it says she was lying that the polygraph test could be wrong. How would I respond at that point?

I would tell her that "yes, the polygraph is controversial as to whether it is accurate or not to tell if someone is telling the truth or not. Also asking a liar also is not accurate, a person who has lied repeatedly, as you have during this affair, also has a terrible accuracy of telling the truth. So I am using the best possible method I can find, which is NOT YOU, but is the polygraph, as to the truth of the matter."

wait a week before I make any final decisions.

Then I suggest to just watch and listen, you'll see her getting shady during this week.

"Reasonable" doesn't usually work well in saving a marriage with a cheater. You can read here on your own, don't take my word for it.

Polygraph tests can be beaten by some people, particularly sociopaths and people who have sociopathic tendencies.

But they very rarely show false positives. You dont show up as lying just because you're nervous. If they're innacurate, it's not because an innocent person gets unfairly judged as a liar, it's because a liar gets away scott free.

We're not suggesting it because we saw it on TV or read about one case of it working. We're suggesting it because it has worked, over and over. Many times, tne wayward spouse confesses before the test even takes place-- so often, in fact, that there's even a term for when it happens at the last minute: "the parking lot confession".

Whether she believes in them or not is irrelevent. She forfeited the right to get a say in what you need when she spent the night with another man. Just insist on it, and tell her you are uninterested in her objections.

Slow down friend. Poly her? Why? Thiink this through. Any woman who 4 months into a marriage is out getting fingered by another is not marriage material under any circumstance whatsoever. And why? Because you felt bad at the vets?

This will be your life forever until the inevitable day she does some guy again over another trivial fault on your part. No. Just no. End this now and save yourself years of pain. She should not be enabled by you in any way. She should be living somewhere else, no matter what she is telling you.

And sure it's possible that she stopped after a few minutes. It's also possible that my cat will learn to fly and Greenland will become the next Miami Beach.

So she felt guilty for 10 minutes and then kept in secret communicatin for the next week. Because?

The pin up? What is she saying about that? Let me guess. Dressed like a nun no doubt. Hmm. We can presume she was not fully clothed. So now some horn dog has a trophy.

Dude, I've been there. Thank you stars you found out now. Act to rescue yourself. Start today.

A polygraph is seen as an extreme measure to many. I was wondering why you wouldn't want to run an app on her phone for the answers? I'm sure that their text would reveal more to the story and be a good base for knowing what answers you need. I'd start with the texts and if you are getting a lot more lies it would be more understandable to ask her for a poly.

Also, ask her if she has had any contact with OM since Dday...then check the phone records to verify.

[This message edited by Freeme at 11:16 AM, February 5th (Sunday)]

I was speaking with my brother who has always been the wise one in the family.

I have a bunch of brothers. I think we're all pretty smart. Prior to me being cheated on, and reading so much about it, if one of my brothers had come to me for advice, I would have given just about the exact same advice your brother gave you.

I will not say anything here is "normal," but I will say it happens a lot, to have "reasonable" and "logical" and "rational" type "wait and see" approach. It almost never works. But I know there are most things, especially so important, that to you, that you have to learn it for yourself. Just keep your eyes and ears open, let her think you're not paying too much attention to it, that is the best way to see what's going on now.

Again, thank you to everybody for the support. I have to say that the last post by wk55n really strikes a cord with me. I think deep down I know that waiting a week to let everything calm down will not change the final decision. However, for me, I think that is the right choice for now. Also, when wk55n said "Just keep your eyes and ears open, let her think you're not paying too much attention to it, that is the best way to see what's going on now." I think he is right. I have already started paying little to no attention to her and asked that she stay with a friend until we go to our consultation therapy meeting tomorrow and she is already responding with a snappy and irritable tone. I am not saying this is the reason why she is responding that way but it feels as if she is trying to put the blame on me in some way.

Sorry your here Pal...

She is trying to put the blame on you ! Don't let her..

She knows she has no good reason for cheating on you and she has been exposed for what she really is , a liar and a cheater .

You need to really and I mean really think about your life moving forward with her. She has zero boundaries and doesn't sound remorseful in the slightest .. She paraded this guy in front of you to put up a smoke screen..

She will cheat again in the future if she doesn't figure out the why's and works on her self. This is not MC time this is IC time for her..

After only four months of marriage and she has you dealing with this crap ! You have no kids, no mortgage with her at this time. Getting out now is as easy as 1-2-3-, you wait 10 years = 30 yr mortgage 3 kids..

CDB

However, for me, I think that is the right choice for now.

Of course you need to do what you believe is right.

I hope this works out well for you. If you observe anything that you have questions about, don't hesitate to post in this thread; we've seen every imaginable behavior, and might be able to help interpreting what's going on.

Be strong.

Four months in? Amazing. I would be racking my brain now to see if I could think of any other times she had acted shady.

Is this guy a long term friend of you both? Have you checked the phone bill to see if she has let him know she was busted? Can you turn find my phone on to track her?