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This is the time to be brave and go into surveillance mode. Don't let him know anything is wrong. Observe and investigate. Where there is smoke, there is fire, 100% of the time.

However, the information I was given coincides with activities and trips he took earlier. He had joined in 2011, and in 2012 he had three trips that at the time I considered unusual but I never suspected him of anything. The information makes sense. I even know who he met. I don't think I need more proof. My friend indicated that his password was cracked, so all his activities were exposed, and there is a lot.

You need to have your friend send you a link to all of this evidence. Do NOT confront him without evidence. He will say she's lying.

Honey. I know you think you know him, and how he will respond. You have just been given information that proves that is not true. You don't know him..not all of him. Because, Im sure the man you love would NEVER do this to you. He is not that man.

He is going to lie his ass off. He is going to deny it. He is going to get angry. He will become defensive. He will probably blame you. You need to have as much evidence as possible, before you confront him.

This is a very critical window of opportunity. You need to use it to your advantage.

He went looking to cheat. It is intentional. He may already be prepared for you finding out. Im worried that you don't know his finances. Can you get that info somehow?

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:01 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

DevastatedMother,

I caught my wife on Ashley Madison. Like you, I was so shocked that I confronted way to soon, and it enabled her to delete her secret e-mail accounts and a lot of evidence before I truly understood the magnitude of her cheating. I truly regret confronting right away. I'm pretty computer savvy, so I was able to recover a lot of information from her electronic devices and accounts she didn't think were recoverable (i.e., her Skype account that she "thought" was deleted).

One thing that seems to hold true on this site is that a lot of wayward spouses only admit to information that you have proof of - that was certainly what happened in my case. It was way worse than she originally admitted. One impediment to my healing is I'll never know what she did that I didn't find. Some people are fine with that, I'm just not one of those people.

I hope you keep posting - there are a lot of people here on SI who found this club because of AM or a similar cheating website.

I would advise the same as others to keep quiet until you are sure you have enough information. Perhaps see an attorney to understand your options (e.g. Are you a no fault state, can you file divorce on grounds of adultery and do you have enough proof). Have you saved and backed up everything you have.

You can easily install a key logger and get access to his accounts.

Others have told you, and I totally agree, that once you confront him, he will delete EVERYTHING. My WH did and so many others'.

I know it is so hard to sit on this. You can't tell anyone and you feel utterly alone. I get that. But you need to look out for you and your kids. He will try to save himself. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that is the experience so many of us have had (sadly).

One thing you need to do before you confront is to consider moving half of bank account into your own account...

See lawyer etc --- how fast you move here depends on what you want and what you see him do (not say)

actions. Not words.

I suspect your husband may move fast To find out what you know cause folks know the AM data is out there and likely he is checking himself to see what is available On him.

For AM breech, he doesn't come home or call expecting that you have data, I would be shocked. It's like the whole world knows

He may not say anything but he will watch or ask questions to try to determine what you know...

My case was different but I caught H, made a comment and He then asked question about comment.

I caved that day and told him I knew about texts

He then proceeded to deleted a hell of a lot of information before giving me access to accounts....

[This message edited by MellowYellow at 3:53 PM, August 20th (Thursday)]

My god it just happened today when my friend called me. So I'm still taking it all in.

I have never suspected him until now, so I'm a mess. I don't want to tip the boat but HOW CAN I EVEN HAVE HIM TOUCH ME, let alone be cool to him? I don't know how to hide this, I am crying so hard now. It's a miracle I can even type coherently, though I'm a writer by trade?

Shaking, still angry. Thankfully, my children are at their grandparent's house (my parents, not his) for the week. My husband and I had plans for tomorrow night, a "date" night but I can't even imagine it happening in a million years now.

In a way I wish that I didn't get the information but I know I will get through it, it's just now I am so angered I can't think straight, just react.

Did your friend have his password? If so, log on to his account and change it. He's probably already done so himself, but maybe not.

One thing you need to do immediately is to make copies (printed, electronic, camera phone shots of the screen, whatever) of everything you can and get them to a safe place where your WH can't get them (your friends place, work, a safe deposit box - anywhere out of the house).

You need to hold on to that because as others have said, once confronted the WS will generally delete the evidence and deny, deny, deny. And, likely say you are crazy for making such accusations (gaslighting).

Get all the evidence you can.

(And if there are entries/conversations that discuss him meeting someone - you can be 100% that they did. Don't believe WH when he says "But, I didn't go through with it")

((HUGS)) DM

You don't have to touch him.

Tell him you're not feeling well if he notices you acting distant. It's the truth!

You can do this!!

there's a good chance he already knows his information is public. he knows he joined and he knows it's out there. wouldn't be surprised if the got questions from other cheaters he knows (who talk together).

take care of yourself.

right now: physical symptoms...rehydrate, if you can't eat, go liquids. try to exercise.

Emotional Roller Coaster: the roller coaster is coming your way. you probably feel numb and just have a hit in the pit of your stomach and you're still in shock and disbelief.

you'll start on the roller coaster soon.. expect it.. it'll be some combination of anger, depression, fear, jealousy, hate, emptiness, loss, possibly in rapid succession.

you may cry a lot: you will be grieving the end of your M that just ended as you knew it. that causes us to cry uncontrollably and we don't know why.

the pain of an A was far worse for me than losing my beloved father, my near and dear friend for life.

those lying cheaters have no idea what they did to us.. to them.. oh, oh well... i boffed it and so what?

keep posting... be prepared for the lies.

[This message edited by rugswept at 12:31 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

If you haven't yet, take time to read through the Healing Library. There is a lot of good information and resources there. The link is in the box on the top left of the web page.

Slow down. Breathe. If you can go to your friends, go there and get her to pull all the info for you. If you cannot go there, ask her to print and save for you. Start your own investigation. Dig, dig, dig. iTunes, bank, credit cards, cell records online, Facebook, start recording car mileage, ask to use his phone and gauge reaction if you take it to the bathroom.

If you cannot stand to be with him, fake a stomach flu. Very contagious. He will stay away, maybe other bedroom to keep healthy.

Again slow down. Your head is whirling and you are in fight or flight mode. I wish I had taken more time to let a few things play out. I confronted without all of the info I could have found and gave him the chance to scrub somethings.

You will live through this. I promise. Keep posting.

DM, my last comment. Probably safest to assume he knows his info has been leaked. He doesn't know if you know. He's got a day or two to put together his story, to build his lie.

When he gets home, his antenna are going to be on full alert, and he'll be ready to roll out The Big Lie. It is going to be a beauty. Just wanted to talk, nothing happened, so sorry, deleted account, and who was it that told you anyway, that evil person? How dare they?

Consider calling a lawyer today and getting a quick consult, and even putting together a draft set of divorce papers and having with with you when he gets home. Blow through the whole denial phase and get straight to the matter at hand. Arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible between now and when he gets home.

In finding out what you've found out, you realize that you didn't have control over a critical part of your life. Take back control now. Get smart, have a plan, and execute it.

Sending strength!

Sorry about your situation.

Make sure you also get the personal information of the women he was with. I'm sure their husbands will appreciate the information when you tell them that your husband has been fucking their lovely wives after meeting them on Ashley Madison.

You are not the only one in this country who will learn in the coming weeks that he/she is married to a cheater.

https://www.rt.com/news/312788-ashley-madison-affair-hack/

[This message edited by marbou888 at 12:36 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

The AM data can't be deleted. It's out there on Internet for good. Hard cold fact. Probably downloaded by hundreds of thousands of people. It is likely it will never go away. You might have to search for it but it can't be deleted like text message or email.

It's like there are 100,000 backups of the data...

People finding out via the AM breach are in a slightly different. Boat Than other BS

Example

Someone impacted from this breach may need to move quickly on making sure data is not used for identity theft.

There is a lot of SPI (sensitive personal information) on some of the records

My friend just came over and she had printed all the information on my husband at work where she got the link. There are 172 pages!!

She's going to help me for now, so I'll deal with it. Since you've been so helpful I'll update you all. My husband hasn't called me either and probably won't until tonight, by then I'll know what to do. I'll stay in touch.

no matter what DM, we're with you.

thank your friend for doing this for you. you can trust her. she'll help you through this horrible mess.

be prepared for the worst. this is going to be very difficult. by the end of today you'll feel like you really don't know who this man is. how could he become this?

and, based on what you already said, and the fact he's never showed anything, expect major, major lies.

DO NOT SHOW HIM HOW HURT YOU ARE..HE'LL USE IT AGAINST YOU . .. BITCH BOOTS..try that.

be tough, anything else and he's turning the tables on you. you're mad, really mad and don't forget it (at least act that way).

[This message edited by rugswept at 12:58 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

Yikes! How is the credit card listed???

Call the company!!!

It could be a free for all.

I'm so sorry

172 pages is a lot of time spent in AM.

Im so glad your friend is with you. Let her help you. If you can, don't talk to your WH tonight.

A print out in a safe place is a good idea... I'd also scan everything and store it electronically somewhere safe as well, if you can. Rule number one of IT... if your data only exists in one place, it isn't backed up. I realize it's online but for you personally, make sure you have your proof in multiple formats in multiple safe places... just in case.

I'm so sorry you're in the position.