SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I really like something Dee posted in General today, about marriage vows and what filing for Divorce is: just the recording paperwork after the actual marriage vows were destroyed by adultery. Very fitting, and I thought of your situation, Skeeter. Having to physically go to the Courthouse a couple times just seems like the Big Step, like going to register a new car at the DMV in my state - a tedious, depressing, time-consuming task but one which is required before you can drive away in your new car. In reality, you'd already BOUGHT the car - DMV didn't make that decision or transaction, they just record it.

Sorrrrry about that, I just wanted you to reward yourself well for doing what your instinct was ordering you to do, and break free!

Now, being a full moon out, you know all the crazies tend to come out...maybe just see whatcha got in the house that would work?

(How about baking yourself some cookies? Simple almond cookies, sugar, butter, almond extract, vanilla, salt. Mmmmm

[This message edited by Superesse at 8:29 PM, October 1st (Thursday)]

I have my ice cream fix right here. I buy these little tiny cones from Trader Joe's. They're so good!

I did my full moon ritual, smudged the house, journaled and burned things. It felt great.

Does anyone have advice for boundary work?

There's a website called Recovery Nation that I used awhile back - they have a really great curriculum with boundary work. It's all free or it was when I was on it - it's specific to SA.

He’s in rehab and I have a roofer threatening to place a lien on the house cause I want the damage they did to the trees repaired before I pay them.

I don’t need this.

Black Raven, I take it that this must have generally been your SAWH's department? Are you prevented from directly taking action against the contractor, yourself? If you do take the lead role on this home repair problem, what would that mean to you?

Skeeter, what-all did you burn, last night that made you feel better?

No. It's my baby. Generally is. He doesn't do much in terms of the house and certainly nothing that involves conflict.

But I have my job, and I'm trying to prepare for our boundary meeting on Wednesday, and do self care and 12-step meetings and now I've got a contractor jerking me around because they didn't have a foreman at the house like they were supposed to and so things got damaged.

Black Raven, I am moved to share my father's wisdom regarding the infamous Murphy's Law, that you can just about bank on, which states "If something can go wrong, it will - and at the worst possible moment!"

In the building business that saying is common knowledge, and it sure proved true on many of my projects! My father had heard that from the US Navy's Admiral Murphy, himself. (My dad flew and helped design post-WWII Naval fighter aircraft. He said it was tough on the Navy engineers, as they worked on flight characteristics of early airplanes - which frequently had fatal consequences...hence the saying...)

So you are no stranger to these kinds of disputes, I take it? Just one more "worst possible moment" thing, eh?

Well, I’ve never been threatened with a lien before ...

I would get a lawyer to send the contractor a letter. I've not been threatened with a lien so I don't know the ins and outs. Sounds like something you don't want to mess with. I suspect there's a process and maybe some cost to getting a lien. Could be he's bluffing. Perhaps you could negotiate paying half now and half when they repair the trees?

Or, you could hire someone to do the repair work or get an estimate - send the roof guy what you owe, minus the cost of the repair work?

Hope everyone is doing well today.

My anxiety has spiked and I'm not sure why. I feel this urge to reply to one of the STBX's many emails just to appease him and get a temperature read. Maybe it's his knife purchase or that he's been particularly delusional in the emails he's sending from his camping trip (the one where he wasn't going to have cell service or be in communication).

He reached out to my son to ask if he wanted to go to the haunted house attraction and my son said, No. That was met with a snippy reply. He forgets that last year he left my son there because he was mad my son wouldn't take a selfie with him. He did circle back but can you imagine leaving an autistic young person because you're mad?!!

Also, when he returns he's going to find the latest phase of the divorce was filed and the second window to contest it closed while he was out of town - I'm sure he will think that was deliberate. It wasn't.

What's the consensus. As I'm afraid of him, do I get a temperature read or continue NC?

CONTINUE NO CONTACT

They escalate trying to get a reaction until they get bored with it. It will get boring for him faster with no contact and not feeding the troll.

Seriously, this is a game for him. It's manipuation. There is literally not one single good thing that comes from you having any contact with him. Not one thing. You always feel worse when you do and it gives him an opening to try his manipulation gaslighting bullshit on you.

There is no good that will come from it. None. Not one thing. It's more likely to get dangerous if you do this intermittant response to his attempts because it will take him longer to tire of the game.

Thanks Dee. That makes sense. Intermittent reinforcement might tic him off. I'm sure it's a game. Every other time he's reeled me back in, convincing me he's finally getting it and ready to make changes he instantly goes right back to cheating, lying and gaslighting. It's a power play to prove he can get me back if he wants to.

Sorry for the repeat posts, lol. The last ditch effort from my XWH was to threaten to take me to court to get one of the dogs back, which hits me where it hurts. Threats threats threats, no action followed. But yes, I did worry that he'd come try and steal the boy, so for a time I was extra careful about locks and stayed around home more often than I would normally have pre-COVID. I knew, though, that if I let that go without any contact that I'd be less likely to ever hear from him again. And that's what happened. Finally, never heard from him again.

During the time we were finalizing crap after I left, I had to break up with him more times than I can count though we were already broken up months before. I bought a house and moved out, FFS. He kept acting like there was a chance. So over and over during selling the other house, splitting up some remaining possessions, suicide threats, I kept having to remind him that we were done. The stress of having to deal with him was way too much and I was so happy when the last of everything was done. No more reason to ever speak again.

During the time we were finalizing crap after I left, I had to break up with him more times than I can count though we were already broken up months before.

I can so relate to this!

I agree with the no contact. Maybe he'll hit bottom and take his recovery seriously, but that hasn't/can't happen in a few weeks, and certainly not while he's camping. And frankly, it doesn't need to involve you. If he does it, he does it for himself, not you.

You get a letter a year from now and find out that he's making amends as part of an honest, humble 12-step program, then maybe if you feel like it, you talk. But right now, there's nothing he can say that you can believe.

Hang in there. Practice grounding skills and self care. (I was never one for aromatherapy but scents were listed as one of the things on the grounding worksheet. Now I walk around with a bottle of eucalyptus oil and sniff it constantly. Will that fry my brain? )

Omg Black Raven - couldn't possibly fry your brain worse than this crap experience. I say smell away. I have this little pot of solid perfume from Anthropologie that smells like heaven to me - I gotta start carrying that around.

I real appreciate the feed back from everyone. This is such bizarre terrain to navigate. I finally took a quarter of a Xanax because I was worried I was going to have a full blown anxiety attack. Feeling a bit better now.

He sent yet another message instructing me not to fall in love with anyone because he's not done with us. Creepy.