SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

earlier in the thread you mentioned being concerned you will never be able to trust again. i want to reassure you that you will find someone who is actually worthy of you love and you actually will be able to trust again! there is light at the end of that particular tunnel, so fear not!

the other thing i want to say is that if she really felt lonely, as a soc/psych major, she damn well knows that none of us are mind readers and communication is a key part of any successful relationship!

i spent 3 long, miserable years with a man who not only beat the ever living hell out of me on a regular basis and not only cheated on me all the time, but actually took GREAT JOY in telling me every single time. seriously, fuckwit would have a smile on his face while telling me. i finally got up the strength to have him arrested and left him after MY daughter was born. because there was no way in hell i was going to raise a child in that kind of toxic environment thinking it was normal.

i spent 3 years alone, in therapy, so that i could fix myself. so that i could be healthy enough to have a better handle on identifying the people who were unworthy of meeting my child.

and then i met my husband. and he is the most amazing human being. we've been married for nearly 14 years now and i am still very much in love with him. and he treats me so good. sure, we have disagreements, and sometimes i really want to pinch him, as i am sure he would say the same about me. but the thing is, we communicate, like grown ups do. if i feel needy (FOO issues), i just tell him and he is totally there for me. if there is something he needs from me, he tells me and i am there for him.

so that was my long, roundabout way of telling you that you deserve so much more, that you will find trust in future relationships, and like everyone else has said, her cheating IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

one last thing, not sure how it would work for PT school, but when i was doing pre-reqs for nursing school, and during nursing school when appropriate, i would study in a way that allowed quality time with my then 3 year old. she was the only toddler in preschool who knew the names of bones and other things like that because i'd tickle her or give her a little massage or whatever and it was great. it wouldn't be that difficult to make it age appropriate for couples! and likely be lots of fun!

Hi hatechoosing,

You ask why is it that your wife is getting all the support when she was the one who stepped out of the marriage?

Well, the answer is....... she is a superb manipulator.... and you are slow off the blocks.

By not exposing to her father and her step-mom (and anyone else that should know) when you had the chance (because you felt bad?), she went in to tell her story to them. By 'protecting' her, you left yourself wide-open and vulnerable to her lies. To those that she has told, that is their 'truth', as it has not been countered by any different information.

There are two courses of action here that are open to you:

1. Expose. Tell all and sundry about your side of the story (in a rational, clam, and non-clingy way, otherwise you would look like a crazy loon). This has the possible effect of swinging some of the support away from her (even though this shod not be the primary focus, but a nice side-effect).

2. Don't expose, but tell your side of the story if anyone bothers to ask. This can make you look like the 'bad guy' initially, but the people who matter in your life will bother to ask you, because they care for you, and would like to know how to help.

All the best in whatever course of action you decide to take, but please do not vacillate. It just makes your complicated life, more complicating. By removing variables, can you then have clarity in a situation, which in turn gives you a smooth future.

Sometimes it scares me how much progress I have made in the last couple of weeks.

Having said that, when the times are bad, it feels as if I haven't made any progress.

However, it is nice for the ups and downs to be more spread out rather than every couple of minutes like they were even a week and a half ago.

That's the way it is with everybody. Ups and downs, with the ups gradually becoming more prevalent and longer lasting and the downs less frequent and shorter.

I think it has to do with the way the limbic system works.

I have a confession that I have purposely left out until now. I guess because I was so hurt by the affair that I did not want any criticism when I first came to this site for advice/help.

As I have mentioned before, I kind of snapped and destroyed all of her sex toys that I had bought for her. What I left out is that before I did that, I held a knife to my neck and said "what is the point?"

I was not and still am not suicidal. I was just hurting so bad, that I felt that was the only way I could get my message across to the WS as to how deeply she hurt me.

She has been saying that she can't get that image out of her head. Now I know that everybody is different, but I have seen extreme things that other people have done similar to what I did and have no problems getting past those kinds of images. All of the therapists I have seen since I found out about the affair as well as the few close friends I have told, don't seem to think it is that big of a deal considering the reason why I did it and the circumstances surrounding the situation. And maybe this is me trying to minimize my actions, but even her father and sister have condemned her actions and have reached out to me and have offered their support.

However, it is killing me that I have caused this mental harm to her. And what I am struggling with is knowing if I am making myself feel bad to cut her some slack in regards to the affair? I don't know if I am trying to take some blame to make it easier, or to try to get back with her and rug sweep the affair or what.

I don't know if I am telling you all this to get some reassurance, or to get someone to tell me I made things worse by doing what I did or what. I guess ultimately, this community has helped me so much thus far that it was eating me up not revealing the entirety of what happened the night I found out about the affair.

[This message edited by ihatechoosinga at 7:37 PM, February 26th (Sunday)]

I can identify with the destruction of her toys thing. I just recently did this myself in my household we are still forced sharing.

Even though I know we are getting divorced, and wouldn't change that no matter what now, i did it because I was pissed about something I found.

I've known she had some side action going for months, despite her denials. I'm even 95% sure who it is. I shouldn't have looked into it as its not gonna change things just irritate my wounds, but I did.

I found a small purse with sexy stockings, some makeup and one of the sex toys i bought her for an anniversary present a few years ago in it.

Hmm why would she need these in easy travel form if she's not doing anything elsewhere with a partner.

I broke the one she had stashed in a way she wouldn't know until she tried and use it and broke and threw out every other one I ever bought.

Will it stop her, hell no. But i will be damned if she uses toys i got her with another man.

You have compassion for another human. This is why you are hurting.

What she did was 7472847472 times worse. Your move is a rounding error. Don't worry about it. Learn from it and move on.

Sharkman is right. I wanted to respond, but I didn't know how. This shit doesn't come with an owner's manual. I just wanted to tell you, we're still going to be behind you.

Look man there is no telling how a person is going to react once they find out. Many people have reacted far more violently than you. Like others have said, cut yourself some slack.

And what I am struggling with is knowing if I am making myself feel bad to cut her some slack in regards to the affair? I don't know if I am trying to take some blame to make it easier, or to try to get back with her and rug sweep the affair or what.

This has more than a wiff of co-dependence to it. You do not want to fall into passive nice guy mode. It's good that you are analyizing your emotions and motivations. Stay strong and keep putting yourself first. It's about you now.

In your last post, you have just given your wife ammunition for a divorce that will go in her favour.

It is difficult to remain 100% in control of your emotions and actions, especially in the mental and emotional state you are in. However, this is something that you have to try and maintain.

By going full diva and holding a knife to your throat, and wreaking vengeance on the sex toys, she can say that you are not a safe partner, and if/when she files for divorce, she will play the victim.

It would be good for you to step back and try and be as ambivalent as possible. Keep your wits about you (I am still convinced that she is still manipulating you), and watch what you say and watch your actions with her.

I do wish you happiness and contentment.

Are the two of you trying to reconcile? Has she totally gone no contact with her affair partner? What is your plan for now? You're in marriage counseling? Where is she living?

I don't know how much more of this pain I can take. Everything had been slowly but steadily improving, but now it feels just as bad as the first week after finding out about the affair.

I don't know how to make the thoughts stop. They just won't stop. I don't want to hurt myself but I can't get the thought of hurting myself out of my head simply because I can't get these fucking thoughts to stop.

I'm tired of battling this and trying to pretend like everything is okay when it isn't. I'm tired of having to be worried that the few friends I do have will stop talking to me if I go to them too often to talk to about what I'm going through.

I keep hearing that I am doing better than a lot of people in my position but now that things have taken a turn, I just don't know.

[This message edited by ihatechoosinga at 9:21 PM, March 11th (Saturday)]

That's why SI exists.

Pour yourself out here, you can't scare us away man, we understand better than most of the people you know anyway.

What has changed? Please don't do anything to hurt yourself.

So sorry to hear that you're going through this.

Are you in IC? I know that it's what's always recommended, but there's a good reason for that.

For me, opening up to a good therapist and doing EMDR got me through the hardest time of my life, and I still live with the positive effects today. It can be daunting to start, but it's so worth it.

Glad that you're posting and sharing what's going on for you. FWIW, you have a random internet person here sending you good thoughts.

Wool94, nothing has changed and that's why it is driving me crazy that I am worsening mood wise instead of improving like I had been. If nothing has changed then over time I should continue to do better.

NoSelf, I am in IC but have not tried EMDR. After looking up about it, I guess my concern is that it wouldn't be able to help me out because ironically it isn't the traumatic memories that are causing me problems. I have come to terms with those memories repeating in my head. No, it's all the good memories we had together that I can't stop. The fact that, no exaggeration here, the best memories I have had in my whole life were doing things with her, yet those best memories will from now on be tainted due to the affair is what is eating me up.

I know it may sound silly to some and people may say that I can always make new memories with someone else but I just don't buy that at this time.

[This message edited by ihatechoosinga at 8:41 AM, March 12th (Sunday)]

what exactly is your gameplan ? Why are you still with this woman ?

The game plan is to start back at marriage counseling this week to see if I even want to give reconciliation a shot. My logical side tells me that I should probably move on but my emotional side tells me that I should give it a shot.

I have been doing the 180 like many people have suggested and it helps for the most part but there are times when the emotional side is stronger.

I realize how crazy this might sound to a lot of people but there is one thing the WS said that I can't get out of my head. I will be the first to admit that maybe it is my ego trying to prove something but when I told her I wanted us to separate she told me: "Fuck you! You're not even going to give our marriage a chance."

The logical side of me says that she's the one that didn't give our marriage a chance by having the affair. But then a voice creeps in my head and says that maybe she is right that I'm not giving our marriage a chance.

The reason I haven't made any final decisions yet is because I am the kind of person that if I am not 100% sure about my decision, a part of me will regret it for the rest of my life. And with how high my emotions still are, I don't feel that I am able to make a final decision. Having said that, with the exception of the last few days, I have been slowly getting closer to a decision that I am 100% sure I will not regret.

[This message edited by ihatechoosinga at 9:26 AM, March 12th (Sunday)]

Ihatechoosinga, don't beat yourself up at what your ww said to you. It's not you that didn't give your marriage a chance, it was her with her lies and betrayals.

If you know in your heart that the infidelity is something you cant live with and move past, then dont try and lie to yourself about it. I speak from experience.

I always said infidelity was something I couldn't move past in a relationship. But when my wife betrayed me I ended up trying again for the kids and 17 years we had together.

I tried, at first it was horrible then seemed to get better. Turns out she wouldn't put the hard work in to change in her what lead her to cheat. 5 yrs out and more ddays later im getting divorced.

Make sure you're being honest with yourself in all you do in regards to your relationship. The one person you cant lie to is yourself, at least not for long. Respect yourself enough to be honest with yourself. It's hard I know, but absolutely necessary to do.

Good luck my friend I will keep checking back to see how you're doing.

I'm a very pro R guy as much as I can be, but there is something that both of you need to understand...as soon as she brought infidelity into the M, you were no longer obligated to remain in the M at all.

Every day that you stay in the M is a gift to her that she does not deserve...remember that.

You can't reconcile with a remorseless cheater, and "Fuck you! You're not even going to give our marriage a chance" is not something a remorseful cheater would say.