SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Devestated2018:

You have survived the emotional trauma when your WH dropped an infidelity bomb and blew up your life as you knew it. You are still in shock. You have a plan and it makes sense. Please find a support team IRL to help you and your child. Family, friends, support groups, church groups, whatever. You will get through this. IC is a great idea. Just take it one day at a time. You may be bruised. Yes, you may be scarred. But you will also become wiser and stronger. Good luck.

(((Devastated)))

Be prepared for him to love bomb you, claim it was the addiction, they never meant anything to him. You do deserve better. Living with suspicion is untenable.

You need a lot of support to survive this. Use everything at your disposal...counseling, journaling, talking with friends IRL and some physical exercise to expel some of your anger and pain.

The mountain of lies and deception does seem insurmountable. This is a deal breaker for most people.

You'll feel a lot better with your decision once you talk it out with the help of a competent counselor. With regards to custody, standard is 50-50 unless your husband relinquishes his share. Talk to a lawyer but do keep your expectations a bit grounded.

Taking some time off is a good idea too.

What I read between the lines of your post is that at some fundamental level you are not really surprised. Something inside you that you never wanted to acknowledge knows he was capable of this. And can always do it again....

I am so sorry. There is a level of “giving up” when a decision to leave becomes clear that is just pure grief.

We are all here for you....

During my alone time I went to the mall and everything is different to me now as I see men, couples, families walking around. Looking at some of the ladies that remind me of her in this photos and videos and telling myself she’s his type.

Everything looks different right? It's almost surreal. That's what it looks like when your world has blown up. Anyone who even vaguely resembles the OW brings her to mind for me. I look at couples now and wonder which is cheating. I look at families that seem happy and wonder if it's all a facade. All the things you're going to feel and think are normal. That's the beauty of SI, things you experience that you think are not normal are and there are people here who get it because they have and are experiencing it too.

Getting into therapy will help you navigate the different effects this will have on you. At this early stage the triggers will be off the charts and you'll experience emotional ups and downs many times. There's a reason it's referred to as a roller coaster.

Triggers will lessen over time, and their severity and duration will ease up as well. Some will actually stop being triggers due to an indifference that will grow in you. Time is key. It's a slow process and it sucks but it will start to change. When they come, ride it out, distract your mind in any way possible. What's going to stun you is how far and deep the tentacles of infidelity reach. The intrusive thoughts. Questioning everything about your marriage, your life and yourself. Loss of focus. There's so much that's going on inside you. This is a traumatic experience but you will heal. Believe that.

Living with suspicion is not a marriage and you shouldn't have to be the warden within your own. It's not a way to live. I don't trust my WH at all anymore. That ship has sailed. When someone has lied to you over and over for years how can they be trusted? Talk to several attorneys and get an idea of what you're entitled to.

Shockedmom is right about what to be wary of. They all spew out the same things. It's like a scripted form of damage control. Be aware of that.

I'm glad you are going to confide in a friend. It will release some of the pressure of holding it all in. What about your family? You need their support now. Have you told them?

What's his demeanor? Has he been forthcoming, or is he making excuses for his behavior? I'm curious as to what his reaction has been.

Don't get me wrong, we don't owe a cheater another chance. We just don't. If you're done, you're done. Cheaters know fully well, even when they don't admit it, that their actions can cause the dissolution of the marriage. But I'm wondering how he's treating you and what his rationalizations have been. Has he told his parents what he did yet? Was he candid in answering your questions?

I know with SO much swirling thru your brain and trying to take care of yourself and your baby this all seems incredibly overwhelming. All of it. Please know we understand.

One of the hard parts in all of this is trying to think logically, during a very illogical crazy making time. So again, do what you can, take things at a minute or day at a time, or just write things down as you think of them, like a list... so you can check them off as you go along.

Logical things to do to try to gain some control over your life.

1. As you said, get into IC. Don't tell him or his parents, set it up for you and follow thru on it. This person will be just for you and your listening board that you need to help you navigate thru this time period.

2. Before you talk to his parents (and I know you love them and feel horrible for them, but please understand that they will FEEL like you are taking something away from them, their son is their son.. blood is thicker then water) so be very careful in telling anyone your game plan right now. "Get your ducks in a row" is a phrase you will hear a lot on here. Work out the logistics of how or what you are going to do if you want to move out.

3. Get copies of all paperwork, bills, credit cards, bank statements...whatever it is, get copies and keep a set just for you.

4. If you can... if with just a small amount of money, go and open up your own bank account, if you don't have one already. Just in your name. If nothing else it is always good for a rainy day if needed.

5. Do you currently work or have a job? If so, great. If not... start looking into what you might need to do to go back to work.

There are so many other things to do, but take baby steps and start to figure out how you will detach yourself from this situation. It's hard... you will feel scared and unsure many times. It might seem easy to fall back into "what has seemed normal" to you, change is really hard and you are going to need to find a ton of courage to get thru this part.

Get friends and family around you. Do YOU have any family close by or anyone you can connect to? Many WS's try to isolate a BS by getting them to be totally dependent on them, so you must think about what you would like to do or people to get around you that are in your camp. Keep a support group around you.

How are you doing today? I hope you have been able to find a lawyer to talk to on short notice, and that you have been able to tell his parents and your own family, as you need support.

You have gotten really excellent advice, but I know it is hard to process all that as this is all unfolding in real time. A week ago today this all started unfolding. Maybe take a little time to re-read your thread with a pad and paper at hand and make a list of what you need to do and prioritize.

As crazy as all this is now, that is actually normal in these circumstances. You are normal. You will be OK.

Do you know how to check PMs? Go to forums.

So sorry! I understand this pain too well. Although our marriage ended in divorce after my ex-husband's infidelity, I still believe if we had worked HARD, we might have been able to save it. I still believe marriages are worth fighting for. There are books which describe restored marriages, like "Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity". You might want to check it out. There may be hope!

How are you doing? Getting a bit worried here....

How are you doing hon? We're concerned about you.

Hey there Devastated,

I know this has been a lot to deal with. Are you doing a little better?

I know events must be moving at light speed in your life right now. Are you OK? There is a huge community here of people who have survived what feels like a near-death experience. I do hope you will let us help you.

It occurs to me that perhaps you have decided to give him a chance after all, and maybe you don’t want to come back here to a chorus of “run!” I get that. Advice on SI tends to be blunt, and we don’t want to see others make our same mistakes.

But if you have made that choice, SI can be invaluable in helping you assess what he is doing and his progress. False R is the worst thing there is.

For example, insist he read “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by Linda MacDonald. You read it first and mark it up. Give him 24 or 48 hour to read it and come talk to you. You will see right away whether he has the mettle to be a “re-builder.”

He also needs IC and must give you full transparency on all platforms. Including divulging all APs names and sending NC notices that you review and approve (no fond goodbyes).

SI members have been through this. I would say, very roughly, that under 1/4 successfully reconcile, 1/2 or more divorce, often after a second DDay, and about 1/4 never get out of infidelity and live in the limbo of rug-sweeping. Eventually many of them get many more DDays. So your WH’s odds (especially a chronic cheater for at least six years) are not good unless he gets a strong start on becoming transparent and remorseful (not just sorry he got caught, but understanding your excruciating pain). I hope you will let us help you!

[This message edited by Odonna at 11:06 AM, July 14th (Sunday)]

Sorry been away from social media as per my counselor said I needed to focus and not get distracted so I can start healing. I apologize if I caused many of you to be concerned. I have not given him another chance and of course he is running back to the ow already. It’s been a painful painful week and I am exhausted with so many emotions . Also taking care of my son is hard when alone but yes his parents know now. He broke the news to them and as I expected they were angry at him and supportive of me. They even have been more helpful to me with my son so I have time to breathe. So like I said they are good people and they would not stand for such shameful acts. They were in total disbelief and I am glad he told his mom because they both broke down in tears. I can se

E that he hit rock bottom at that moment because he adores his mom. Anyway I am still struggling with everything from interviewing divorce lawyers to figuring out everything that’s changing. It’s bren a lot and I am still seeing my counselor. It’s been real tough and it will only get harder from here. I can’t believe this is my life.

Devastated2018:

You are a very strong person and are doing incredibly well so early on in this crap story. Take deep breaths. This will be a long process. A marathon not a sprint. Be there for your child. Graciously accept the in-laws help but be vigilant. He is their son after all. Eat healthy. Find a distraction you enjoy to get your mind off of this crap for a while. But do begin to look for a D attorney and get started with the paperwork and filing. It will make you feel like you are moving ahead. Please remember as little contact with your WH as possible, kids and finances only. Do not engage in arguments or his manipulation. Civil but short and sweet. He is soon to be your past not your future. Treat him that way.

[This message edited by fareast at 6:35 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

I never think of SI as “social media” or “distraction”

But rather as a critical component of healing. The maelstrom of raw emotions you are going through now will disrupt everything in your life and impair both your memory and your judgment. Having the collective “hive” of similar souls here on SI really can empower you.

So he left and went back to Florida to OW? So much for the confession and commitment to you and your son. I am so sorry he proved so very worthless. Does OW know about you and his baby?

You seem to be on a good path with a counselor in place and shopping for an attorney and the support of your in-laws. I am glad you insisted that he tell them. Hopefully they can provide good counsel to him as the divorce moves forward so you avoid the kind of flame-throwing that gets in the way of productive co-parenting. Everyone should focus now on what is best for that baby.

Shoulders back now and stand tall! You can do this and we will help!

[This message edited by Odonna at 11:15 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

Duplicate ... sigh... when that “submit” button freezes up I feel like Charlie Brown debating whether to run at the ball....It always sucks me in!

[This message edited by Odonna at 4:32 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

I have not given him another chance and of course he is running back to the ow already.

It's time for you to let her know that he's married with an infant and that she is not the first. Get her number from the phone records and contact her yourself.

You also want to find additional support beyond your in-laws. No matter how much they feel for you, ultimately they owe their allegiance to their son. Start working on finding somewhere else to live and your support network before they pressuring you to forgive him.