SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The "Betrayed Menz" threads are found in the "I Can Relate" forum on this site. It's really terrific--these guys don't pull punches when talking about this shit sandwich we've been delivered (not that any have here!) A lot of them have a LONG TERM point of view that's really helpful in the decision making process, too.

Blessings, LA

Here's what I have to say about that, as someone who still lives with it: Stop. Just. Stop. It is not true. You did not make those decisions so that your wife would have character. You made those decisions because you do, and you succeeded. You did the opposite of fail. THAT, my friend, is true, and that's what you need to remind yourself. It's very similar to the "let go of the results" thing people here say: I am sure you did what you did because you thought it was True And Right, not because it would somehow guarantee a Leave It To Beaver life. You did it to be a Role Model for your kids that they would actually see at night. And you succeeded at that, not fail.

JustLearning, this is PURE GOLD.

Walloped, this is an incredible gift from JL. I invite you to lean into it and accept it for all it's worth. Maybe it hurts more if you do, but it's the golden truth.

Blessings, LA

Omg LA - thanks for reposting Forged1's wisdom - that was so powerful....

A separation might be something to try till you decide what you want to do , she should stay somewhere else during it and tell her to start job hunting .I do think you know what way it will end ,i dont think you are going to get past this , to much betrayal.

Yea, you could have taken a better job and made more money. But you wanted to be there for the family.

Now leaving your wife aside for just a minute.....I bet your kids are very happy you did not become an investment banker. They probably loved having you around as a engaged loving father, not some money mule who did not spend time with them.

That makes you a success. You prioritizing them makes you a stand up guy, a real father.

Your wife nuked your marriage. But nothing your wife did can take that away.

@ stronger - there are lots of us on the forum who were blindsided by a ws confession (albeit quite often one full of minimizations, omissions, etc).

@ walloped - there are plenty her who spend 30-40 pages waffling in indecision, stuck in infidelity, and ignoring all advice. The fact you took a firm stand, made a plan, acted decisively, etc is something not to be lightly dismissed. If you choose r the chances of it being successful are greatly enhanced by your actions now.

If you come by the menz thread don't forget to bring the virtual beer

I apologize. I'm just not feeling well and I let it get to me and posted it here. Maybe the indignity of going for an STD / HIV test? I don't know. And I'm meeting with the attorney tonight and I'm really not looking forward to that conversation. I didn't mean to unload like that (well, maybe I did...just a bit).

Thank you all for repsonding. Much appreciated. And I understand your points about doing well vs. feeling well. I'm just not thinking very clearly right now and feel like I'm crashing, both physically and mentally. Just so very tired.

eric1 - Really appreciated your post. And your analogy of milestone meetings was excellent. Your "It's GANTT time" line made me laugh. That felt good. I hear you.

Thank you too for your offer for beers. I apologize, but I'm not there yet. Too ashamed? Shy? Raw? at this point to take you up on it - perhaps in the future - but I sincerely appreciate the offer.

I tried reading some other threads including ICO's. I couldn't get past more than a few posts. I just kept seeing all of these men and women who do these things to their spouses and I have a hard time grappling with it. I get human failing, character flaws, good people making bad choices. I do. But to see it so prevalent and how much pain is being served up by the very people who are supposed to have your back at all costs is just crippling. Someone said I need to get healthy. I think as I progress toward that I'll be able to handle reading other threads more easily. I'm going to keep trying though, because I know there's so much for me to learn there.

JustLearning - Thank you so much for that post. I've actually preached this from a managerial perspective - reward/punish the decision making, not the outcome - and yet here I am falling into that trap. I know the decisions I made and why I made them. Part of the decision for my wife not to work was for the kids' sake. So she can raise them in a loving home. Still the right move - even if that freedom gave her the opportunity to do what she did. Anyway, thank you again - I really needed that.

livinganew - Thank you as well for your post. The part from Forged1 about how this process is about reconstructing me and not about healing the relationship really hit home. Intellectually I know that my marriage is over and our relationship - whatever that will be going forward - will never be the same. Emotionally, I don't know that I ever wanted anything as much as my marriage back. Which of course is moronic because that marriage / relationship was one that my wife felt it was okay to betray. So why would I want that back? But, God help me, I do. Previously, I never understood people who said that ignorance is bliss and they would have preferred not knowing. But I understand the desire now. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad I know (well, not glad, but you know). But pre-knowing was pain free. Or at least this pain.

I will say one other thing that's helping me through this and I hope to keep it at the forefront during the tough times - I'm a fairly religious guy, so apologies if this offends. I firmly believe that God gives each of us challenges that we can handle. They test us, many times greatly, but somewhere deep inside, we have the ability to deal and pull through. And no one has it easy. They may appear to from the outside, but no one gets a free pass. We all have our problems. For some it's the passing of a loved one. For others, the inability to have children. For those here, it's surviving infidelity. My two biggest challenges in my life have been the passing of my father and now this. My concern is not getting through this. I will (or I'm optimistic enough to believe so). We all will or have. It's who will I be when I come out the other side? How will this impact me? How will I deal with people? How will I deal with my kids? Other relationships? Trust issues. Will I fall into bitterness? Despair? Anyway, I'll pull through - move over Gloria Gaynor - but I just want to make sure I'm still me at the end.

My writing here has helped me tremendously and I've actually gone back and read what I've written (I'm completely embarrassed and appalled at some of the things I've actually posted). Laying out my thoughts here helps me organize them and keep the ones I don't want in check to a degree, as well as set aside others for delving into / tackling at a later date. Of course, your posts have been a true life saver so once again, thank you.

Religion can be a very important tool, and it will not offend a single person here.

And your mention of it, preceeding your final volley of questions, gives this fallen angel with a pretty decent memory to whip out something which will encompass all of that.

It's who will I be when I come out the other side? How will this impact me? How will I deal with people? How will I deal with my kids? Other relationships? Trust issues. Will I fall into bitterness? Despair? Anyway, I'll pull through - move over Gloria Gaynor - but I just want to make sure I'm still me at the end.

Matthew 5:13-16

“You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet. “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

Walloped,

You are who you've chosen to be, and you will be again whom you choose to be. You've done it before; you'll do it again.

I, too, knew, even in the midst of my shock and trauma, that I was going to be okay. I didn't have any idea what I was in for, or how long it would take, but I knew I was going to make it.

The pain was so intense, though, I first decided that I was going to do EVERYTHING possible to accelerate my healing--I did IC; went on a powerful men's weekend; joined a men's group dedicated to dealing with emotional health (how about that one, eh? They are fucking awesome); went to Mass every day; chapel, too; exercised/swam every day; went to a spiritual, "silent" retreat (which was also terrific); joined a DivorceCare group sponsored by my local parish; went to additional monthly meetings of the same type; befriended a priest whom I consulted; etc, etc, etc. Whatever I thought would speed up the process, I jumped in.

(On a side note, it was when I finally let go of my need to control the timing of my healing, that big jumps in recovery occurred. But that's the subject of another post! Somebody joked that I was trying "speed grief." They were right; healing doesn't work like that.)

Anyway, I learned in more than one place that happiness is a choice. And when I got that message in full, I deeply resolved (and I am a dedicated, persistent SOB) that I was going to build my life out of that notion, even when I still was in so much pain.

I committed to doing the right thing for me, every chance I could. When I didn't know what that was, I prayed for help. I still do. I leaned more and more on God, and have received so many blessings from Him.

Ultimately, we have no control over others. The world's going to do what the world's going to do. The only thing we can control is how we respond. And you already have IN PLACE the building blocks of faith, integrity, honor, and character to guide you.

I saw my now deceased mother be embittered the rest of her life after my father left her for a string of other women. (Oh, how I now understand her grief! I know now that I only watched her go through it. Only now do I truly understand, and have said over her grave how sorry I am for what she endured.)

I resolved I wasn't going to experience it as she did. As I was sharing this with a friend recently, he offered, "She carried that burden every day, so you don't have to. She carried buckets down to the water, filled them up, and brought them back on her shoulders so you'd be able to make a different choice." What a gift I got from him that day. And from her so many years ago.

God doesn't create suffering for us, but He enables us to grow in faith, compassion, and love through the pain, and to come closer to Him--if we choose. There are so many gifts in each of our lives; things for which we can be thankful.

I know you don't know it, yet, Walloped, but I do... You have a beautiful future ahead of you. You've already shown what you are made of. You aren't just going to recover from this trauma; you're going to become an even better person from it. And that will happen because you'll choose it.

Blessings, LA

[This message edited by livinganew at 5:40 PM, August 12th (Wednesday)]

Walloped, You are doing good so far. I am a believer in GOD also. I believe that you have been sent a gift for GOD. You are a very smart guy. As someone already said, what are the odds of someone she knows haven seen her out with the OM in a city that size? Not only the population but they would have only had a small window of time. I live in the suburbs of a large metro and there are neighbors who shop at the same Target only 100 yards form my home and I have only run across a couple a couple of times. the odds of what happened with your WW are probably higher than being struck by lightning. GOD wanted you to have this for a reason. My parents had a good marriage before my mom dies at the young age of 64. They were factory workers and I am proud of being their son. My dad found out after mom's passing that she had bought my sister( the only female of the 4 kids) a fur coat. It wasn't that they could not afford it. It was the fact that she hid it from him and should not have done this. he would not have been happy, but he would have said okay if he had been given the chance. It has been almost 20 years since she passed. They were married almost 45 years. The thing that hurts my dad to this day was that he was married to her and she carried secrets. She also had insurance on herself and the money went to y sister. Again. another secret. My dad liver a very simple life and does not need more than a few hundred dollars a month to live. I know you are in pain now but would you rather have lived with her for another 40 years and to have found out about the affair after she died? I still believe you have a choice with her. At least now you know what she is capable of doing. I have very few friends, but the friends I have always have my back or they are no longer my friends. Life is hard enough w/o facing it with someone who ahs your back. GOD's blessing to you

Everyone is riding the pain wave with you, Walloped.

You will feel brighter, someday, but you gotta ride this rollercoaster and feel the pain so you can leave it behind.

I think that's why we are all praising you...because you are willing to embrace the agony in order to conquer it. You're not sharing too much as far as I am concerned.

Continued strength.

Everyone is riding the pain wave with you, Walloped.

You will feel brighter, someday, but you gotta ride this rollercoaster and feel the pain so you can leave it behind.

I think that's why we are all praising you...because you are willing to embrace the agony in order to conquer it. You're not sharing too much as far as I am concerned.

Continued strength.

Amen, Valentinessucks, amen.

Hi, I hear you and empathize. All the advice I have seen on your post so far is good, all I would add is that just put one foot in front of the other, don't try and make sense of something that you can't and make sure you take care of yourself. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU WHATSOEVER!!!

BTW I spent 2.5 hours writing my story thinking I was posting it here, only to realize it was in my journal and that it apparently doesn't appear in this forum.

If there is anyone who can help me navigate how to post my story to this forum so I can benefit from the helpful feedback it would be most appreciated.

Walloped

And look where it got me. I failed.

Too early to tell if you ask me.

What is failure?

Your marriage is not over. That is for you to decide in the future. Does your wife have issues? Absolutely. They are her issues to fix.

You can only motivate or encourage her to work on her issues.

I am religious. I chose to marry. I picked my wife for many reasons. My primary reason was because I wanted children with her. I knew she would be the best person to raise my children.

I have 3 daughters (21,15,14) that are happy, healthy and good human beings (kind, respectful and unique).

By that result alone I consider my marriage a success.

You are intelligent, driven and articulate. A good man, loving husband and proud father.

I do not believe "failure" fits into your character.

HM

Every one of us who, at some time, 'just found out,' had / has a spouse who risked what SHOULD have mattered most to them on this earth: their spouse and children. That their spouse and children didn't matter most is THE concern to me. What does that say about cheaters ? Volumes. Everything. It says everything. Realizing that about my xh made D more palatable. Not to say there aren't those who do the work and make an effort to repair the damage. Some do. Most don't. Mine flat out stated he 'didn't want to work that hard.' I have very little to no regard for a cheating spouse who values a quickie, a cheap thrill, which may or may not lead to a LTA, over a spouse and children. It's a hard realization to come to when your spouse cheats, the realization a spouse could even cheat at all. Especially when you believed you had a solid M, a happy M.

My xh said the AP made him happy. I told him, YOU make you happy, another person cannot do that for you. Then he said he didn't like himself. I said YOU can fix that. I cannot fix that for you nor can anyone else. The list of his excuses goes on and on. But, bottom line, he made a bad choice. And the fact he was willing to make that bad choice - then actually made it - speaks to who he is / the kind of man he isn't.

Walloped, you and only you can determine what you want, where you want to land in the time to come. It's a terrifying choice but at least it's a choice YOU get to make this time around.

On another note, I decided if one more person told me, "This will make you stronger," I would simply strangle them. I was already strong and sure didn't need a cheating H to show me just how strong I was. You appear to be a strong personality. You have my permission to strangle anyone who says this to you.

Hang in and hang on; wade through the weeds at your own pace. And DO get something to help you sleep and be able to relax your mind. I resisted it, not a 'pill taker,' but finally caved. Should have caved sooner. The shaking and the body hums faded. Thankfully.

Hi,

I just joined today and sent a short post earlier, after having read your original and some of what followed.

I couldn't help but to share your pain and cry, reading your story, was a little cathartic for me, I have been a pillar of stoicism until D date.

If its any consolation, I found out this past weekend, although I was given my walking papers about 3 months before I made the discovery, he left the carrot of reconciliation dangling throughout, I guess to keep his options open and hedge it. I decided not to chase the carrot when I found out, the information didn't fit and the puzzle had too many missing pieces. Then he said I made the decision to end us....like the earlier decision he made to throw me out of his life, was not hurtful enough, my taking back some self respect by choosing not to chase the carrot was apparently me deciding to end the relationship.

WTF????

There's too much information for you to reconcile right now.

I have relied a lot on the Serenity prayer to help me cope over the loss of the relationship 3 months ago, and a lot since D date. In case you are not familiar....

"Dear God,

Grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can and

the wisdom to know the difference"

I know its of 12 step fellowship origin, but it is equally applicable to this.

You appear to have both the wisdom and the courage. The hard part is acceptance. I am not in any way advocating accepting the infidelity, because it is never acceptable.

I am grateful to this site for its wealth of personal stories and positive feedback, which you appear to be as well, my only suggestion would be to use the common sense filter and take what you need from it.

My heart goes out to you.

Walloped - take a walk with me for a minute and let your mind take you where the story might take you. I posted this to someone else looking at the rubble of their marriage after an affair:

There's a place in Warsaw, Poland.

It's called "The Old Town". It's several stories high and is over 700 years old. Each window has painted flower boxes and the town square is pretty and colorful. There's a museum off to one side that shows what The Old Town used to look like right after the war. It was reduced to more that 85% rubble as retaliation for the Warsaw Uprising.

It's shocking to see how damaged a place can be and still survive. and decades later, look so pretty and feel so untouched from the ravages of a war that for all intents and purposes destroyed it - except for the will of the people there.

When you walk out of that museum, and look up at the town square, with little cart kiosks and window boxes, and pretty features, and realize that the people took back that city square that had been violated by foreign bombs then troops in every way imaginable. They built back up that 700 year old city square with the original bricks and put the crushed bits of brick and dust into mortar and fashioned replacement bricks out of the raw material of the rubble.

You can gain a new respect for rebuilding on rubble. Most cities scrape away the rubble and haul it off to a construction recycling refuse place, picking out a few museum pieces like NYC did after 9-11 to memorialize the permanency of the damage. But the rest is carried away, as there is no heart or will left to rebuild from those original materials.

You have a choice ahead. Not yet, because you don't know your partner anymore. But let's suppose that a few months down the line you decide to make a go of rebuilding. If that is the case, let this Old Town in Warsaw be a metaphor and an agreement between you for no more bombs and destruction. Just rolled up sleeves and hard work and loving, caring tenderness for the pieces of a wonderful life and each other - the original bricks and mortar of a lasting marriage, and let it be thus again, with only a museum to remember the rubble before.

If you decide that the 9-11 style of reconstruction is more your style, no one here would hold it against you, and many would understand with hearts filled with compassion for where you are. No one can make this choice for you, not even your wife. It's out of her hands.

But decide which metaphor is your life.

Well, to be fair Old Town was a victim. The only victim in all of this is Whallup and his family (and the family of her boyfriend).

Old Town wasn't caught holding hands with Erwin Rommel after spending the afternoon riding him in a love nest.

I think the story does offer him hope on how to rebuild himself afterwards. The moral is that we all have scars and it's how you recover from the injuries that gave you those scars is what will define you. Not the scars themselves.

Plus (respectfully) it is way too soon to be talking R or D. Even the famous SoaceGhost had a few weeks of soaking it in before coming here. Introducing that decision at this point is just messes his mind up further. I think that decision is best made after those variables have settled and he has had the benefit of abstracting himself away from emotionally-driven decisions.

(edit: spelling/grammar - typing when kids wake you up @ 4am isn't my strong suit apparently)

[This message edited by eric1 at 6:43 AM, August 12th (Wednesday)]

^^^^^^^

I agree.

Let the dust settle for a few weeks before any major decisions.

ouch Eric. So true. I get where k8 is going with it but you are right about the Rommel image