SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Humor helps you ease some pain. She might have totally have forgotten what was in the boxes, have you spoken to her about it? Mention your friend?

Here's another my counselor told me

draw a rectangle.

then a cross inside it.

On top write "THE TRUTH"

on the left side write Helpful

underneath that write Not Helpful

Then ask your self questions and put a mark.

For example "Like if she cared for your friend, while she was with him."

Would that be helpful or would it not be helpful in your marriage. Ask yourself do you really want to know these question and will they be helpful for you to move pass it or will it not be.

ReunitePangea is right Stu.

Let me out this to you anther way Stu. The shoe is on the other foot in my house. I have way more sexual experience than my wife and she knows it. She knows a lot that she doesn't care to know about and some that was thrust upon her because my ex to this day still hangs around with my family. I had to tell her certain things about my past in case they ever reared their ugly head. I worked with my wife very early on to make sure she was comfortable no matter how embarrassing it was for me. I continue to work on things with her today as some of it crept into our marriage as recently as last year. I got rid of all of my photos and love letters before we moved in together because I knew she was the one and I didn't want to hurt her with that shit. That's what most people do when they think of their significant other. Even if that stuff is that their parent's house because that's where mine was. Hidden in their attic. Most people don't want to hurt their significant other and get rid of that stuff no matter where it is. I don't want to make this about me and I could go on and on about the details. This is about you and your wife. Why is she not willing to do the same with you? Just embarrassment? Take a trip down memory lane with you? I'm not buying that she just didn't deal with it and is embarrassed. If that's the case she would work with you.

Destroying that stuff is an excellent idea for later. What do you want to do today?

I agree with you yearsofpain at some point but really why would you want to sit down and see pictures of your spouse with someone else? These aren't just pictures of them at Disney Land these are explicit photos.

I am like Stu, I didn't have other partners and my husband had many other women. I don't want to go back into his past and relive who he's been with.

Stu are you regretting not doing/being with more women? I thought of that when I saw my husband's list and wonder why I just didn't sleep around the way he did.

oh no! I see your point yme32313. I wasn't trying to say that at all and that's not the point I was trying to make. I got rid of all that stuff BEFORE my wife could see it. I didn't want to hurt her with that stuff so I got rid of it. It wasn't the documentation that was thrust in my wife's face, it was the sexuality of my ex that was still living with my mother and the shit that was said to her. I verbally had to prepare her for that. I came clean verbally before any of it came out and destroyed all the evidence. But I had no idea what other people had and could sent to my wife. I was/am willing to do anything for my wife so that she gets what she needs.

That's my point. I didn't/don't want my wife to have to re-live my past either. Which is why I got rid of everything and sat with her and worked with her. Why would she not do the same and work with him on this stuff? I think it has to be more than embarrassment. Why keep all that explicit documentation around especially at your parent's house? Or anywhere that it could be found? That's more than just careless.

Sorry Stu that I have posted so many times here today. I really do feel your pain and I am genuinely concerned for you. I'll back off as I think I've made my point.

Thinking of you Stu.

ETA - grammer corrections

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 2:01 PM, March 10th (Monday)]

yearsofpain, you said you were the more experienced one. It just hit me, could it be, maybe I'm feeling inadequate. My wife was the experienced one and I kept asking her about her past. Why, to live vicariously through her experiences. I said I did have self esteem issues that I worked at over coming.

Gently, Stu... I don't really see why that is a critical point right now. I mean, whatever is going through your mind as you come to grips with this is totally valid and this kind of question is the perfect thing to work on in therapy... but...

What are you doing to address the central issue here? Your wife has been lying through omission to you for years. Are you planning to do the 180? Do you want R?

Maybe Stu. My wife has expressed inadequacies in the past that were all irrational and I let her know in so many ways that she is the best at everything in every way. That's what I showed my wife. That's what I continue to show her. For what it's worth, I don't think the amount of partner's matters. I'm going to exaggerate the numbers here a bit. I have had sex with far fewer people than my wife. Let's say she has had sex with 12 and I have had sex with 5. She didn't have a lot of sex with 12 guys and all of it was terribly bad for her. While I had sex with 5 partners, 3 of which were long term live in girlfriends where we were having sex every day and were having very "adventurous" rewarding sex. She felt totally inadequate in that way.

Is this similar to what you are feeling? Have you let your wife know this? I don't want you to lose track of that she's not working with you on this stuff. That's what alarms me. I bend over backwards and then some to work on my wife with this stuff. I can't fathom keeping all of my old "documentation" around past the relationship or ONS that I was in. The next "true relationship" that come along pays the price. There are just so many things that do not add up with your wife Stu. I'm worried.

I don't want you to lose sight of the issue at hand Stu. What is going on with your wife? Do you want to 180? Do you want to separate so you can get well? Those are the issues/questions you need to ask.

Exactly what Phantom Limb just said. Cross posting again or I would have included that in my message.

Stu,

like me you wish you were the ONLY one but you weren't and you feel that you should ask how they were with them and see if you live up to their standards. I'm thinking a lot like you!

Now I understand you yearsofpain, my husband had thrown somethings out but others he didn't that I ended up finding out said that he just forgot because he hadn't seen them in years. That's how I discovered his betrayal. I'm with Stu finding this out years later.

My husband said there is a BIG DIFFERENCE between making love and having sex. Are you making love, Stu?

I have been confronting all of this directly and have discussed this with my wife. As I said in an earlier post she said we have discussed this to death. She has said I’m battering her with all my questions, it happened and it can’t be undone. She said she has nothing to apologies for, she had told me she had an upcoming date and thought our relationship was over or ending. She said it is very uncomfortable for her, she doesn't want to talk about anything relating to sex or sexual activity. She began to cry and asked me what her favorite song was, I didn't know, and she began crying even more. She wrote down on a piece of paper the title, "Someone to Watch Over Me." I asked her about IC or MC an she said she was afraid where it might lead. I haven't discussed the pictures, diary or what I learned from my best friend. I'm meeting later so we can talk more. He said I can ask him anything I wish, everything will be on the table.

Stu

Can I make a suggestion.

Burn everything you found with your wife.

And while it was nice your friend told you the truth that he was involved with your wife before your marriage she should have told you.

If you wife has been great to you all these years and been a great mother than all you can do is bury the past.

Because if you keep digging in the past with your wife you are going to kill the future.

And the fact was you two were not married at the time she had her fling with the Adonis. Was it a crappy thing she did? Sure.

Was there anything you could have done about it? No.

And if you give your wife sever consequences now you can kiss your marriage goodbye.

like I said take all her old "pics" of her past boyfriends and burn them together.

And make sure she discloses any others that you are both friends with. I think she owes you that.

HM

My husband told me the same thing.

It was a long time ago.

We were just dating.

Didn't think we would last.

Never saw them as a relationship only sex.

We are kind of beating them up with all these questions when really we want to move on.

WE NEED to live in the present there is no way we can go back.

Try to think of a time that you've done something that hurt someone you care about and regretted it. It doesn't have to be cheating, just anything. Now imagine that years later, that person keeps asking you for more details about that thing you did that hurt them. It's basically saying, "Tell me more about that time you really fucked up and hurt me." How horrible would you feel? How long do you plan on making her pay for what she did.

As male this may sound strange, I put of intercourse until I found the right women. My guy friends who were screwing left and right would call a girl, a "P..y." I had many opportunities,I chose to wait. After spending hours (about 9 to 12 hours) with her on our first date, I knew she was the woman I loved. I did not intend to have sex with her. I asked If I could sleep over, I lived a long drive from her house. I did mean sleep over. I had made a bed on the floor. She said why don't I share her bed, it would be more comfortable. The rest is history. At that time my friends (guys and girls) told me I was the woman and she must have thought I was a great piece of ass.

happyman and yme, what you say makes sense, however I'm not there yet, the pain is to great. I said this in another post, I love my wife and hate her at the same time. There are times I want to hurt her like she has hurt me (I don't mean physically)emotionally.

I told you I know how you feel, I found this out in July, when did you find out?

There are times and still times I want to hurt him. I want him to feel the same pain as I do and the past few months have been miserable for us. I lost weight, he lost weight. I cried he cried. I couldn't sleep, he wasn't sleeping.

happyman and yme are not wrong here Stu. There are many ways to look at and approach your situation. You don't want to beat the past to death. I'm more focused on the current relationship with your wife.

she was afraid where it might lead

Tell her you should face your fears together. That in order for you both to get well you will work on this together. This is what you need. This is what she needs. She also needs to work on her issues/fears. Just like you need to work on your issues. If she can't see that, then you need to think of yourself so that you can get better. Or is she hiding something else that she's not willing to face? You need to tell her the fact that you know a lot more than you have told her. You have to. That is not fair to withhold information like that on her. Then see what she says about working on this stuff together. If she continues to minimize and say there is nothing wrong, then what are you going to do to make yourself better? What's your plan for that? 180? Have you read up on it in the healing library?

There are times I want to hurt her like she has hurt me

^^^^This really worries me. You can't have that Stu. She can't have that either. I get that you want to make her feel what you have felt. Many of us here at SI say similar things. That is not you talking. That is your pain. However, you've eluded to the fact that you have done some things that may have hurt her in earlier posts. You need to get help for yourself and if she's not willing to work with you on that there is a problem. This needs to be addressed immediately before you do it again. I continue to say to you, what do you need to do to make yourself get better? What's your plan for that? Do you need to detach and do a 180 NOT JUST FOR YOU, but for HER also?

There are really unhealthy things going on here for both of you Stu. There is so much going on here. How are you going to work through this if she is not going to work with you? What can you do to focus on the issue at hand?

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 3:37 PM, March 10th (Monday)]

I second yearsofpain25 here, Stu.

Minor 2x4, but it hasn't escaped notice that you choose not to answer the questions about WHAT you're going to do about this... you just keep responding with more speculation about your own mental state and your evolving emotions.

I agree with yearsofpain. What do you want to do in this marriage?

In response to some questions:

a)I learned about this in Jan. after a New Years party, I believe it is day 67 since I was told. I have been living with this info myself. I didn't have a person I could talk to about this. Not being able to get it off my chest, not a person to talk to. It wasn't until I went on the computer that I have found a way to get it out. The unknown friends who have shared, has helped.

b)I love my wife, we have shared many good things together, I still think I am lucky to be with her. Right now I'm not sure why. I think I, we can save our marriage. I told her this morning that I hope we can talk about all of this some day and laugh at it.

c) go to MC and or IC together or alone

Those of you who have gone through this, is this possible? I have faced challenges before and worked to over come them. Can this be done?

Right now I'm to close to the problem, the pain is great. Thursday I will see my doctor. I have lost almost 25 to 30 lbs. I am hopeful!