SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know children come into the world in all sorts of ways in all sorts of situations... I guess I am struggling because I thought my children had one story, and now they don't. Particularly my youngest, because my husband's affair went on the whole time I was pregnant and while they were a baby. I feel this pain on their behalf that they don't have that story any more, even though they're too young to understand it for the most part (not entirely too young, my eldest likes asking for the story of when they both were born. Unfortunately, memories of my youngest's birth have become extremely traumatic now...). Has anyone else navigated this? What story do you give them when the one they had is now full of such deep betrayal and deceit? My husband insists he always wanted another baby, but I absolutely cannot believe that can be true and he can have been willing to risk harming him the way he did.

I don't know how much of a Star Wars fan you are, but there is a line from the movies that has always stuck with me:

"Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

I think when you tell your children their birth stories, what matters most is telling them the story as you experienced it at the time.

You can even be very specific: "When I was headed to the hospital, I remember thinking..." or "When they put you in my arms, I felt..."

Those things are still true. The knowledge you have now changes the context around those memories, but it doesn't erase what you felt when your son was born.

I don't think there is any reason to disabuse them, or yourself, of the magic you genuinely felt in those moments. The birth of your child was still a magical event for you, even if you later learned there was betrayal occurring alongside it that you didn't know about.

His affair changed what you know about that period of your life. It doesn't get to steal your most precious memories of your son.

My xWS also cheated during my pregnancies and throughout the whole M, but I will never let that tarnish the story of their births. They are both adults now and know their dad cheated the entire M. That is on him not on us. It is what he has to live with.

My xWS told my mom after my daughter's birth that he didn't think this "fatherhood" was for him. He also told his sister he wished he never had a second child. He's a royal ass. I know he loves both of them and is sure happy he has them now because he would be a lonely man. Dating since our D has not been easy for him.

My children are my greatest gifts from my xWS.

I think when you tell your children their birth stories, what matters most is telling them the story as you experienced it at the time.

Exactly this ^^^ it doesn't even need to involve the A. That is for your WS to keep.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 11:26 PM, Wednesday, September 23rd]

Hi,
Your post really hits home, although in my case I am the wayward wife.

I second what LittleMonk and crazyblindsided said.

I will always, always carry the guilt for having sabotaged my family and in particular my children’s early years.

But the love we feel for them has never faltered.

Your children’s story is also that they were wanted, loved and cherished. Your world was falling apart because of your WH, but you could still tell them how you wanted them and cherished them. What you thought the very first time you saw their little faces.

I repost this from LittleMonk because he expressed it better than I could ever do:

The knowledge you have now changes the context around those memories, but it doesn't erase what you felt when your son was born.
I don't think there is any reason to disabuse them, or yourself, of the magic you genuinely felt in those moments. The birth of your child was still a magical event for you, even if you later learned there was betrayal occurring alongside it that you didn't know about.

Although I am from the other side (the one who harmed), I understand the pain you feel for their stories.

Struggling sending positive thoughts your way. This is tough stuff this betrayal stuff.
Your love for your children comes through in this post and that is your side of the story.

Many of us have experienced these sorts of horrific betrayals. I choose to deal with it by telling DC my side of their story: how much I loved them and cared for them.

If there is one good thing from this relationship is the little ones who you birthed.

Their father’s shit doesn’t have to soil them. Their memory.
Actually something good still happened no matter how shitty he was back then.

And while you were dealing with diapers, it was the "adult" man who pooped himself and stayed in it waiting for someone to change him.