My wife and I are now just shy of 17 months from D-Day. I've learned a lot. She's learned a lot. About both infidelity and each other.
One thing I hadn't learned a lot about was the process and progression that went from a coworker hitting my wife up on Facebook Messenger to innocently tell her she should look up something about their boss online, to "we should get a hotel room."
I've asked her, "How did it get to that point? What the hell did you guys talk about? When did you realize things were getting inappropriate?" Etc. I always got vague "we talked a lot about epilepsy, then he started telling me I was beautiful. Then one thing led to another and I let it happen." The Cliff Notes version, with a lot of "I don't know," "I'm not sure," or "I don't remember" answers.
I found out that he did indeed hit her up on Messenger one day to gossip about their boss and point her toward some damaging info he found online about him. Which, BTW, is ultimately what got him fired and trespassed. Ha.
Then he started messaging her more and more often. Telling her how beautiful he thought she was. How amazing she was. She saw this as fairly harmless at first, but he persisted. Then he started calling her using the voice chat feature on Messenger. Then he started calling her more and more often. He told her how lonely he was and how long it's been since he had someone while she vented about our marriage. She started feeling overwhelmed and unsure what to do, but she loved the attention.
Then he started asking her, "Are you my girl?" The first couple of times she said, "I'm married." He persisted. Until one day she gave in. He asked again, "Are you my girl?"
She said, "Yes, I'm your girl."
Then he started suggesting they should get a hotel room. She blew it off as a joke the first time. The second time she more or less said, "Let me think about it." Then she went to a friend and confided in her, seeking advice because she wasn't sure what to do. This friend then helped her cook up a cover story. "Tell Pogre you're staying the night with me because my husband is in the hospital and I want the company."
That tipped the scale for her. The next time he suggested they get a hotel, she said, "Sure."
That was it. That was the moment. Or moments.
That's what I've been asking for the last 17 months.
The venting and oversharing weren't good, but the first significant line was crossed when she agreed to be "his girl." The hotel agreement was the decisive escalation into physical infidelity.
I know this is trickle truth. It's not the type of trickle truth that changes what happened, when it happened, or how many times it happened, but it adds significant pieces of the puzzle I've been assembling over the last 17 months, and it's a lot.
It hurts.
It hurts knowing that when another man laid claim to my wife... my wife... she said, "Yes, I'm your girl."
It hurts knowing she was actually conflicted about the hotel, and instead of coming to me, she went to one of her asshole friends, who nudged her over the edge. I'm not putting the blame on this friend, and neither is my wife. She made the choices. She was already conflicted, and he was being persistent. Chances are she would have folded somewhere down the road regardless, but that friend played a key role in this, and I hate her guts now.
For the record, my wife no longer talks to this friend at all. She hasn't in quite a while. That friendship is over now, but still...
I don't want this to sound like she hasn't been doing work on us and making huge changes, because she has. The new details don't really change anything aside from the fact that they could have been shared a long time ago.
I also don't want to punish her for finally telling me the details I've been asking for. She knows it upsets me, but she told me anyway. I had to let some of that steam out, though. We had some intense discussions about it.
I'm not even really sure what I expect from this thread. I suppose it's more of a vent than anything.
Some more good that came from this is that we've spent the last week talking a lot about her facing what she did. Like, really facing it.
Don't get me wrong, she's been doing very well under the circumstances. She's been very remorseful, loving, affectionate, transparent, and accountable. But I'm wondering what's really going on under the hood. What internal work has she been doing?
She's also been very apologetic, but her version of apologizing pretty much boiled down to, "I'm so sorry for everything."
"Everything."
Hm.
So, you're sorry for everything. For all of the lies to me. To your friends. To your family. The lies about me. The deceit. Telling me, "He's a GREAT guy!" Telling me that you're going to stay here and enjoy your evening. Trying to jump out of a moving vehicle to get away from the confrontation. Abandoning me on the side of the road. Walking away from me and disappearing into the dark at my most critical time of need.
All of it.
You're just going to pile all of that into one box, label it "everything," then close the lid and apologize for it without actually examining the contents of the box?
Not good enough.
So we've been having some intense conversations the last week or so. She's now opening the box. She's naming specific things that are in it. She's apologizing, and crying, for them individually.
She's been doing a lot of that lately.
She's also digging back through a lot of the "I don't remembers," blowing the dust off, and filling in some gaps for me.
And honestly, that's probably the part of all of this that matters most to me right now.
